P.S. I love you platonically and I'm going crazy

Content warning: violent graphic imagery, mutilation, depression, and suicidal ideation.

I said I missed you. In itself not a lie. But definitely not the entire truth. I said I missed you. What I meant to say was I miss you and please tell me you're not passive aggressively avoiding me cuz you don't know what to say. I miss you and please tell me you're not pushing me away because I became too clingy. I know that I clung to you like the last strand tieing me reality for a month. And that wasn't fair. Even if I try to make it not so obvious you probably noticed. I wish I could tell you it's not as bad as it looks. But I am trying not to lie to you so when I tell you that I tried not to cling to you what I mean is I tried not to cling to you in a way that you would notice. For every message I sent I could have sent a thousand more. I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to curb and edit my stream-of-consciousness into the characters of just one text message. I tried to only text you on the days that I didn't cry for more than 5 hours. I tried to be as stable as possible and texting you and not scare you. But I also really wanted to be honest with you because I knew you would understand. I knew you wouldn't be scared. I knew I could say that today was a day where I wish to remove my teeth and my tongue so that I could stop talking. I wish you did it so that when people asked me, when my therapist asked me to talk about it I literally could just open my mouth and show them I couldn't. I wish you did so that I can just spend more time crying and not doing the hard work of rebuilding my life. I wish you did because I'm much better at dealing with tangible physical pain that I am with emotions. I knew that you would understand when I said I would be willing victim to your grotesque horror movie you would know exactly what I was talking about. Not the thrillers like "Get Out" where they play mind games with you more of "Jason" and "Chucky". Just chop me up to pieces and get on with it already. I know that you will see the deeper meaning and when I ask you to chop me into pieces or put me through a woodcutter. I want to physically be as broken as I feel. I've always loved a good jigsaw puzzle. I've always been much better at treating my physical wounds then anything I couldn't touch. I think it would be cathartic to put myself back together. If you made me a jigsaw puzzle and I could put myself back together, I'd be a beautiful complete image. There would be closure and the feeling of being incomplete and the pain would be finite. I would take great joy and being a 5000 piece puzzle. Searching for the different parts of me and seeing how they all fit together. I knew I could say these things to you because of your dark fantasies but also being a pacifist. I know you would never hurt somebody unless you had to and even then you might not do it. But I'm not asking you to go against your beliefs. That's not why I send you the text of today I would let you filet most of my skin off. I send it to you because you're a pacifist and you don't like seeing people in pain. You wouldn't do it to cause me pain but to ease my suffering. If I asked you to Shatter Me I know you wouldn't take joy in shattering me. You would take joy and helping a friend, and helping get better. And you might take a little more joy from that if that involves shattering me. I did not mean to overload your senses or make you worried. When you met me I was broken and you just see me fall more part since we've been friends. I am a phoenix my fire dies I turn to ash, but then I'm reborn out of the ashes. I meant to burn out and wither. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that up front. I miss you not because you're the string that ties me to reality. I'm back unfortunately. I miss you because you understand. I miss you because you're strange. I miss you for the reasons you like Dr. Hannibal Lecter. I miss you for all the many ways I will never understand you. I miss trying to understand anyway. I miss acceptance being a two-way street. I'm not saying you don't accept me anymore and I'm not saying I don't accept you. I'm saying I have anxiety and the many ways that your mind is creative and creates beautiful unique seemingly unthinkable things to me. My mind finds a different reason for you to hate me, push me away, or ghost me every second. Sometimes my ADHD joins in on the fun and can't even focus on each idea as they appear it gets distracted and combines things to completely new ideas or takes it somewhere it wasn't even going. Yesterday I decided you didn't want to be friends anymore because I gave you the wrong Christmas gift. Even though I know you love your Christmas gift it's Fenty you love Riri. I had one where you thought your partner here was cheating on you with me which is not a thing because you both are polyamorous. Not to say polyamory can't have cheating. The way that you do it and the way I understand both of your relationships that wouldn't be a thing where I'm concerned anyway. There was also one where you ghosted me because I told you I like the way you snore. I know it's an odd thing to say but I've already said it and you weren't bothered by it and let me come visit multiple times after that. I have not said it since the first time so I know that that could not be a reason. Still I dwelled on it for about 2 weeks. All this is to say I wasn't completely honest when I said I missed you. But in all honesty the truth wouldn't fit in just one text message.

I will never send this to Lovely because I panic. This is very anxiety-provoked and I know that I am currently in a manic state. Neither are the best for communication when you're worried that what you've been communicating is the source of the problem. I will talk things her when I see her next. It has been a hard summer not seeing her at all. I'm very used to structure and the structure has been seeing her at the beginning and end of my summer. Which is not the case this year. She's also going through her own shit and so time apart is probably the best. I don't need to lose more people in my life right now. It is probably best to take a patience route even though it's longer.