Daily struggles

When your new co-worker is a snake bish. I'm not happy and we ( the rest of the co-workers) are going to black ball him.

Skit: Coming out day 2017

I've been dragging my feet about writing a post for coming out day which was October 11. I didn't want to write it not because I don't have anything to say. But if you have as many queer activist friends as I do on Facebook, Tumblr, or Istagram you probably herd it all already. I really don't have a fresh take on what trans, non binary, QPOC, queer disabled, or intersectional feminist groups had to say about it. If you haven't heard what these groups said I will use my own words to try to convey their ideas. I will also offer my own thoughts on coming out day based on where I'm at now with my queer identities.

The groups I mentioned had a few overarching themes when it came to coming out day. 1) Come out if you want to come out when you feel safe to do so. Don't feel like you owe it to anyone to come out. This is your life and your identity. You should do it when you want to and when you believe you won't be putting yourself at risk for inescapable violence (physical, mental, or emotional).

2) You never have to come out if you don't want to. You can live your life as queerly as you see fit. You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you choose to live your life. Straight people never come out as straight, cisgender never come out. They just live their life and you can too.

3) The idea of coming out of the closet is kind of misleading and classiest. It implies we were living a lie in our closet in our homes. We were never lying, we were discovering ourselves. We don't have to share our personal self discovery with anyone. Also we could be protecting ourselves. Not everyone can come out due to their situation. We see you, you are not forgotten. Not everyone has a closet, physical or metaphorical, that they could "hide" in or come out of. We need to recognize those people in our community. We need to listen to their stories. We need to give them our help and support if they want/need it, not on our trems but on theirs.

3)When you are already a minority coming out can make you feel more isolated and and alone. There is this lie that pinkwashers perpetuate that ethic communities and certain religious communities (they usually focus on Islam) aren't accepting of queers. They use this to further their own agendas. For example Israeli pinkwashers claim that Palestine needs to be dissolved as a country and the land and people need to be under Israeli control because Israel is more progressive in LGBTQ rights and would benefit millions. When what they really want is control over what is Palestine. You can't make sweeping statements. Just like not all Christians hate queers not all *insert race, ethnicity, or religious group here* hate queers either. Most pre colonial races had a third gender option and accepted all sexualities. It was only after colonization that these genders were limited to male and female, seeing most other gender options completely erased from history. With the exception of a few races. Colonization also brought strict rules and limitations to the binary genders that still effect us today. The idea that boys are naturally more violent and girls are inherently more nurturing. Colonization also brought homophobia. These same races and civilizations are now being criticized for being homophobic by the colonizers. So even though in my personal experience as a black person has found that my specific black communities I've encountered in Chicago and at college are not accepting, I believe that some black communities are. Sometimes the Black Lives Matter community is queer accepting. Mine here in Chicago is.

4) You can be queer and also have basically physical or mental ability status. The blatant ableism that says disabled people aren't sexual beings is extremely wrong. People who become disabled do to accident or illness were sexual before why wouldn't they they now? So if you can rationalize those people as still being sexual beings why not people who are born that way? So yes disabled people can be queer. They can come out if they want.

5)Coming out maybe a constant process. You might come out just once, or you might come out a million times. People come their friends, family, work (if you want to), religious communities (if that applies), partner'sfamily (if applicable), strangers, people in your social club/org/group, neighbors, etc. You may never stop coming out. This is especially relevant to trsns people transitioning, that never want to transition, that don't "pass", gender fluid/creative people, people who identify as both genders, non binary people, agender people, or people who identify as a gender that is neither male or female ( like one of those third gender options some races still have). I have trans friends that are constantly coming out, because people are nosey and/or they get misgender and feel like correcting the person. If a server calls my trans male friend a lady he might correct them, thus outing himself. Your identity might evolve, prompting you to come out again. Coming out may never end, but that's all up to you.

6) Coming out is important for some and not for others. Never out someone. Never pressure someone to come out. Coming out is a personal choice, not for others to make. Believe people when they come out to you. How can you tell someone how they feel? Or who they are? Experience does not equal or define someone's gender or sexuality. Do not question them for proof, ask them how do they know, or ask them are they sure. Appropriate questions include: what does that word mean (though you can probably google it), how can I support you, you can ask if they want you to call them by a different name or use different pronouns (if applicable), would you like a hug, do you have a partner or crush, ask if they want safe sex stuff condoms dental dams lube latex gloves( if of age), and/or can we celebrate? You can always do your own research on their identity because Google is your friend (just stay away from suspicious looking videos), then you can ask them if you can both talk about it. I get it non queer people, their are a lot of words in the queer dictionary, but you can try to learn some. Chance are if they are just discovering themselves, they are telling they are learning too.

I've been out for 10 years now. I've changed a lot since then. I've gotten really really queer. I still do activism and I'm still learning. We create new words to describe our nuances all the time. My sexuality has evolved I still identity as bisexual but my attraction is very narrow. I like queer male identified people who are very feminine. I like fem leaning gender fluid, non binary and gender creative people. I like androgynous or gender ambiguous queer people, agender people and non binary people. I like female identified quuer people who have just a touch of masculinity. My gender identity has changed. I identify as a trans non binary fem presenting person. I also identify as kinky (dom) and polyamorous. I've changed and learned so much 13 year old me would be shocked. I am constantly coming out to almost everyone in my life except family (as usual). I think I'll continue to change, evolve, learn and thus come out. It is not as big of a deal now as when it was when I first came out to my sisters. I was really worried about being accepted the first time. I wanted the people I loved to still love me, which they did. Now being queer is my favorite and most important identity. I have found a really loving queer community who accept me. So now when I come out to people I don't care if they accept me or not because I have my communities love and support.

Daily struggle

Brain: get up
Me: no I'm sleeping
Brain: time to wake up
Me: still tired
Brain: *starts having a panic attack*
Me: that's not fair. Its so early. I hate you *gets up*

Skittles: who is Latka

I know, I know I mentioned him about a week ago and never did a follow up story. I'm doing that now though.

Latka and I met while I was at UIUC. I believe we met my second year in 2013. That's when all the scared queer freshman realize that they want to hang out with other queers instead of straight people. So now we're all sophomores but all the ones who were out and involved freshman year already have a click and were very picky about who we let in our click. We were the cool queers hanging out with the upperclassmen. We don't need any newbies coming in and embarrassing us. I was already in a click, already an intern, already working to make my other campus job more queer friendly, and already a badass. I was picked to be queen of the gays at the end of my freshman year by usurping the previous queen. So I was a big deal. Everyone else wasn't. I had already started creating programs for incoming freshman to get them involved from day one so that they too could be a big deal by their sophomore year.

However, I also saw how the senior class that had just graduated was extremely divided and held a lot of animosity for one another. So one of goals was to get my graduating class to graduate friends. So I started hosting parties to keep us together. Not too close to create drama, but close enough that we were all loosely friends. However, not all queer sophomores partied so I had to get to know them and bring them in by hanging out in our resource center. This is how I met Latka. Through basically living in our resource center. It was also around that time the sophomores that didn't party started a new student run organization. As intern I should have helped but I was busy. After they did become an org (That foused on our trans and non binary stundents) I had to attend their weekly meetings and their board meetings. Latka was on the board. So we became friends. He also eventually joined my favorite student orgs OSTEM.

We both liked to cook and even had a freindlyish competition over who's chili was better during friendsgaying. I won. We wouldn't hang out too much while I was at UIUC but we stayed friends after I left. I eventually asked him to be my kink group's executive administrator (assistant). That made us very close, as the whole board is extremely tight knit. Latka stated sending me postcards like once every 2 months just to check on me. I eventualy went to visit one winter break. We have visited each other at least 2 more times since then.

So this August (2017) I noticed something very small that they said during one of our phone calls or text convos that made me think at one point Latka had a crush on me. So I asked him about it and he said he's liked me for a while. We talked about it, me mainly concerned with why he didn't tell me, and him trying to get me to drop it. I won again. We talked about dating at some point in the future and how to make that work given his situation. He's at home with his dad who's not very trans friendly. Probably republican if I had to guess. Latka is working and taking classes to further himself before he joins the work force in his desired field. Also he lives two states over.

We had this running joke for a while where I would ask everyday if today was "yes day" the day they say yes to being in a relationship with me. During one of our calls I asked if yes day had a time I could point to on a clock and he said "yes just don't ask me what day it is." I said I would Send them a calender ( the warwick rowers calendar) where I pick the day and time for yes day. They sarcastically agreed. To which I responded in child like form no takies backies. So on a day of my choosing in 2018 we will be in a relationship. Thus why I refer to Latka as my future partner.

Skit: Essay on banning conversion therapy

So in my post on world mental health day I talked about having a learning disability that effects how I process language. I wanted to share with you all my one of my essays where I used my accommodations to actually get the best out of my writing.

In the past decade, there has been a great shift in public opinion when it comes to the Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender (LGBT) community. As of June 26, 2015, right before many Pride Parades took place, the United States Supreme Court made same-sex marriage legal. It is also legal for same-sex couples to adopt in all 50 states. With growing support for LGBT identified people, one would think practices in place to harm LGBT identified youth would be illegal. However, that is not the case.  One of the most harmful practices to LGBT youth is still legal in 44 states:  conversion therapy. Conversion therapy is dangerous, there is no empirical evidence showing that it works, and it implies there is something that can be cured when it comes to LGBT people. Licensed medical professionals should be barred from practicing conversion therapy on children and adolescents.

Conversion therapy, also called reparative therapy or sexual orientation change effort, is a variety of treatments rooted in psychoanalytic theory. The treatment is based on the belief that homosexual, bisexual and gender diverse people need to be cured, turned heterosexual and made to conform to gender stereotypes matching one's assigned sex at birth. Gender diverse people are people who do not identify with the sex they were assigned at birth, have a gender expression that doesn’t conform society's gender stereotypes, and/or have a gender identity outside of the male/female binary. Conversion therapy treatment can include but is not limited to: “praying away the gay,” “psychoanalysis, hypnosis, social skills training, adverse behavioral therapy”(Moss 317-318), “electroshock, institutionalization, castration, noxious stimuli” (Fritz 8) paired with imagery, rape, and “group or individual shaming” (Fritz 8). These treatments are dangerous and often mentally damaging. Six states have already banned licensed medical practitioners from practicing conversion therapy for children and adolescents. However,  conversion therapy practiced by licensed medical professional for children and adolescents  needs to be banned at the federal level.

Congress should ban conversion therapy for minors because there is no disease or mental ailment to cure and the majority of the medical community agrees.  “ In 1973 homosexuality was removed as a diagnostic category in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) with the declaration of support for the civil rights of lesbian, gay, and bisexual people from the American Psychiatric Association” (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration 15). Not only was it removed but one of the nation's top mental health organizations showed support for LGBT people. The American Psychological Association, the National Association for Social Work, the American Counseling Association, the American Medical Association, the American Psychoanalytic Association, and the American Academy of Pediatrics all have come out against conversion therapy saying there is nothing to cure (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration 15). All of these organizations have also come out with their own statements supporting the civil rights of LGBT people. Conversion therapy is no longer up for discussion: the mental health community has spoken. The an overwhelming majority of professionals agree that having a sexual minority orientations is not a disease. Instead, sexual minority orientations are a normal part of human sexuality.  The same applies when it comes to gender diverse people.  Gender Identity Disorder was removed in 2013 from the DSM (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration 16). Gender Identity Disorder was defined as “ evidence of a strong and persistent cross-gender identification, which is the desire to be, or the insistence that one is, of the other sex … evidence of persistent discomfort about one's assigned sex” (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 523-533). Removing it from the DSM is big step away from looking at gender diverse people as suffering from a pathological problem and accepting that gender expression lies on a spectrum.  

In addition to being unnecessary there is no empirical evidence showing that it works. There have never been any articles published in peer-reviewed journals showing evidence of successful conversion therapy. The National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH) would have people believe that the lack of evidence would be enough to prove that it possibly can work. However, that's not how science or the law works. The burden of proof lies with the party saying that it does work. For instance, the scientists must prove their theory to their peers, and the prosecutor must prove to the jury beyond reasonable doubt that they are right. We need to hold pro conversion therapy organizations to the same standards.  Most mental health organizations are not willing and cannot ethically go about proving that conversion therapy does not work due to the severity of some of the treatment. On numerous occasions the United Nations has called electroshock inhumane torture. Ethically, if an organization wanted to prove that conversion therapy did not work they wouldn't be able to prove it scientifically because electroshock is used. The majority of scientist  are not going to put subjects through inhumane torture. This is where the problem lies. Some of the more extreme treatments used in conversion therapy are unethical, thus impossible to test for effectiveness. However, the fact that some of the more extreme options are unethical should be reason enough for said treatment options not to be used and instead, discounted as plausible practices due to evidence of harm from conversion therapy survivors.

Congress needs to ban conversion therapy for minors on the grounds that it is dangerous and harmful. Anecdotal research proves this. There have been many accounts from conversion therapy survivors of the abuse that they experienced. Many survivors experience mental health problems.  “ Shame, withdrawal, depressive symptoms, and substance use have been frequently associated with conversion therapy” (Fritz 8). All this is evidence of someone who had undergone severe trauma.  In addition, conversion therapy survivors are about 9 time more likely to commit suicide than the average population (Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation 33).  It leaves mental damage because it often occurs at young ages. Parents are seeking out professionals to help their children, often not knowing how much they are hurting the children they love. Proponents and practitioners of conversion therapy assure the parents that the benefits far outweigh the risks when that has been proven not to be true.

Some organizations still support conversion therapy. The Alliance for Therapeutic Choice and Scientific Integrity (Alliance), previously NARTH, whose former president was Dr.Joseph Nicolosi, a very famous proponent of conversion therapy.  Another is Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays (PFOX). Both of these organizations are religious non for profits, whose reasoning is rooted in the belief that homosexuality is a sin. PFOX’s website has a blog against homosexuality and how it is ruining society and families. They also offer resource such as articles and videos against homosexuality.  One of the articles on  PFOX’s website is from the Wall Street Journal by Dr. Robert L. Spitzer regarding a study of  gay men who wanted to change their sexuality. He says, “What I found was that, in the unique sample I studied, many made substantial changes in sexual arousal and fantasy — and not merely behavior” (Spitzer). Dr.Spitzer argues that change is in fact possible. He believes that the option of this therapy should be available to those who want it. PFOX supports this view not only by offering this article as a resource on their website but also offering similar articles in the same vain on the blog. The Alliance also supports the view point that homosexuals/ bisexuals can change: “individuals who report unwanted same-sex attractions and pursue psychological care … achieve sustained shifts in the direction and intensity of their sexual attractions, fantasy, and arousal that they consider to be satisfying and meaningful” (NARTH). They say conversion therapy works and have videos from ex gays to back up these claims. The Alliance also has a entire section of their website devoted to the treatment of adolescents. This proves that they believe that this is an appropriate treatment for youth. Both groups repeatedly explain that a person must want or seek the treatment. They both believe that for the treatment to work LGB people have to want to change.  Youth might seem willing or try to change due to parental or community pressure and fear of rejection. If one could potentially be facing homelessness or abuse, perhaps it would seem more favorable to go through therapy. Proponents of conversion therapy  think that this needs to exist for those who seek it to help their children, and in both of these organizations’ opinions, banning it prevents a consumer's right to choose and infringes on parental rights.

Another argument for conversion therapy has to do with gender diverse people. The Alliance  believes that a person is whatever gender he or she  is born, because God makes no mistakes. The Alliance specifically talks about gender diverse people needing professional help.  The Alliance states that the media and politicians are harming the  “...transgendered by treating their confusions as a right in need of defending rather than as a mental disorder that deserves understanding, treatment and prevention” (McHugh). They still view gender diverse people much how they view homosexuals as suffering from an illness. The Alliance believes that you can treat this illnesses through conversion therapy.  Before kindergarten a child knows their gender.  Children age 6 or younger could be in conversion therapy to prevent atypical gender behavior. In their view,  the Alliance just wants to help parents raise their daughters as females and their sons as males.

The Alliance also discredits Gay Affirmative Therapy as a healthy alternative to conversion therapy arguing that it is too superficial, that Gay Affirmative Therapy is “accepting the attraction at face value without questioning their origins. This is a highly unprofessional omission” (Nicolosi). They contend that Gay Affirmative Therapy does not ask enough questions and just accepts the homosexual identity at face value instead of looking for the root of the problem/ attraction.  The Alliance does not believe that lesbian, gay, or bisexual (LGB) people are born this way and there has to be a source of the “illness”.

Samuel Brinton (Sam) is a conversion therapy survivor, and has been one of the main faces against conversion therapy. Sam co chairs the Born Perfect advisory committee, run by the National Center for Lesbian Rights, and is a founder of 50 Bills 50 States, an organization leading the charge in banning conversion therapy for youth in all 50 states. Sam has also helped spearhead bills in 29 states against conversion therapy. I interviewed Sam about their viewpoints on conversion therapy. Sam prefers gender neutral pronouns they/ them/ theirs/ when I refer to them.  When asked about conversion therapy's effectiveness they said “conversion therapy has been proven not to be effective. The science speaks for itself. Many national medical organizations have discredited its effectiveness.” Even though the Alliance and PFOX both have videos on their websites from “ex-gays” to prove that it does work,  Sam argues that these people are suffering from severe trauma and should instead seek Gay Affirmative Therapy to explore their identity for themselves.  However,  Gay Affirmative Therapy  has been discredited by the Alliance. Yet Sam explains that  “ affirmative gay therapy is a process that explores identity and helps the patient come to terms with what their identity means to them, without bringing in outside viewpoints of society or one's family. It really asks the patient to come to a conclusion for themselves whatever that may be.”  This type of therapy is helpful to anyone exploring one of their identities whether that be religious, sexual, gender, etc. Instead of being told that their identity is wrong or invalid. It lets a patient define their identity for themselves.  PFOX and the Alliance both argue that this treatment is appropriate  for youth, but Sam disagrees saying that “people under the age of 18 cannot emotionally, mentally, or legally consent to conversion therapy.  Even though it is completely feasible that a young person could want conversion therapy, they could be seeking conversion therapy due to environmental factors or social pressure. We protect children from making bad decisions. However, if they still want conversion therapy as an adult after being able to make an informed decision, they should have that option.” Sam not is not trying to outlaw conversion therapy completely, though some countries have gone that far. Instead, they are trying protect some of our most at risk youth from something that has been studied to be harmful. When asked wouldn’t banning licensed practitioners from practicing conversion therapy just make it more dangerous Sam responded,  “I am  protecting LGBT youth from licensed therapist and medical professionals. People still have access to conversion therapy if they choose it for their children but no licensed medical professional should be able to provide such a service. Only unlicensed therapists or religious leaders are able to practice conversion therapy. That does make it more dangerous; however, by reducing the population that have access to it there are less people being harmed by it.”  Finally, I asked them whether or not it was appropriate to treat gender diverse youth with conversion therapy as the Alliance suggest, “Conversion therapy is the practice of refuting one’s sexual orientation or gender identity. Conversion therapy would be forcing that a child to live as the gender that the outside world perceives and not as the child necessarily identifies as. This would be harmful and damaging mentally to a child. Instead they should be offered affirmation therapy to help them explore the gender they identify as and help them align their perceived identity with their actual gender identity.” Gender diverse people are not confused. They just need to be believed and affirmed just like people with sexual minority identities.

Brazil, Malta, and Switzerland (de facto illegal) have all banned conversion therapy. The United States of America needs to join that list. These countries have gone as far to make the practices illegal for  minors and adults, yet the United States is dragging its feet in protecting children from conversion therapy. Conversion therapy has been dismissed by most major health organization as an appropriate therapy for LGBT people. It is dangerous and causes permanente mental health issues. There is no empirical evidence to support that it even works. The United States needs to banned licensed medical practitioners from practicing conversion therapy for children and adolescents on the federal level.

Work Cited

American Psychological Association, Task Force on Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation. (2009). Report of the American Psychological Association Task Force on Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbc/publications/therapeutic-resp.html

Danlev. "Equaldex." LGBT Rights in Brazil. Equaldex, n.d. Web. 9 Apr. 2017.

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition. Washington, DC, American Psychiatric Association,1994.

"Equaldex." LGBT Rights in Switzerland. Equaldex, n.d. Web. 9 Apr. 2017.

Fritz, Gregory K. “‘Conversion therapy’ and homosexuality - never an appropriate treatment for children or adolescents.” The Brown University Child and Adolescent Behavior Letter, vol. 32, no. 3, 2016, pp. 8–8., doi:10.1002/cbl.30111.

"Malta bans 'gay cure' conversion therapy." BBC News. BBC, 06 Dec. 2016. Web. 9 Apr. 2017.

McHugh, Paul. “Wall Street Journal .” Wall Street Journal , 12 June 2014, www.wsj.com/amp/articles/paul-mchugh-transgender-surgery-isnt-the-solution-1402615120. Accessed 29 Mar. 2017.

Moss, Ian. “Ending Reparative Therapy in Minors: An Appropriate Legislative Response” Family Court Review, vol. 52, no. 2, 2014, pp. 316–329., doi:10.1111/fcre.12093.

“NARTH Institute Statement on Sexual Orientation Change Efforts.” National Association for the Research and Treatment of Homosexuality, NARTH board of Directors , 25 Jan. 2012, www.narth.com/about1. Accessed 31 Mar. 2017.

Nicolosi, Joseph. “What is Reparative Therapy? Examining the Controversy.”

Spitzer, Robert L. “Commentary: Psychiatry and Homosexuality.” Wall Street Journal , 23 May 2001, www.pfox.org/sidebar-pages/athiest/. Accessed 29 Mar. 2017.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, Ending Conversion Therapy: Supporting and Affirming LGBTQ Youth. HHS Publication No. (SMA) 15-4928. Rockville, MD: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 2015.

Skit: #METOO

Content warning:
Sex abuse
Rape
Sexual assault
Physical abuse
Mental abuse

October is domestic abuse awareness month. To raise awareness, people who have been abused are posting Me Too on their Facebook, or using the #metoo. If you want to I encourage you to at least post me too on whatever social media platform you use. You don't have to elaborate if you don't want to.  I didn't. I have too many family members connected to my Facebook.

My Facebook is filled with Me Too. Trust me you are not alone. All my close friends have posted a Me Too status. Almost everyone I'm friends with that I've worked with have posted a Me Too status. People I try to see at least once a year are posting. My international friends are posting. All my queer friends have posted. All my non binary, trans, and trans femme  friends have posted Me Too multiple times to give you a since of how often this has happened to them. My disabled friends are posting it multiple times often citing the situations, like encounters with the police or trying to get services. This is all to say domestic abuse can happen to anyone, but some people are more at risk than others.

Less than 1% of domestic abuse gets reported. So the statistics we do have extremely limited. They mostly focus on women, excluding gay, men in general, trans people, and non binary people. But we will deal with what we can find. On average 20 people are abused per minute.  In the U.S. about half of the population (regardless of gender identity) will experience DA (Domestic Abuse) in their lifetime (they break this down by men and women which are both at 48%). Females ages 18-34 generally experience the highest levels of DA according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Globally 1/3 of women have experienced DA accordibg to World Health Organization. According to The Williams Institute bisexuals and lesbians experience more DA  than heterosexuals and gay men. Also according to the Institute 31%-50% of transgender people report experiencing DA in there lifetime. It should also be noted that one study ( I can't remember the name of said study) reports that most trans muders are a direct result of DA. Meaning the people who kill trans people often DA them first.

What is DA also known as intimate partner violence? Wikipedia defines it as: is a pattern of behavior which involves violence or other abuse by one person against another in a domestic setting, such as in marriage or cohabitation. So children that live with their parents or guardians. Two people in a romtantic or sexual relationship that don't live together also counts. Two people who live together that aren't in anything more than a platonic relationship counts. Kink relationship that may or may not live together count. The violence can be physical, mental (extremely controlling is an example), sexual, stalking, and/or emotional (denying love or emotional connection to a child by a care giver is example).

I experienced physical and mental abuse growing up. My mom would beat me beyond a reasonable measure when she thought I was wrong. It could be as small as not doing one homework assignment. She would beat me until it left bruises and welts. She was also very controling of me until I left for college. She even decided which college I was going to attend after I got my acceptance letters. I had no say in the matter. My parents were divorced and lived apart. I never told my dad but he knew because he would see the marks she would leave on my thighs. He never did anything. My step dad lived with my mother, my little brother and I. Sometimes, when things got really out of hand he would step in. Like the time my mom had beat me and I was already starting to bruise. I ran to my room but she followed me. I blockaded my door. She broke the door down, right off of its hinges. Then my step father stepped in. I didn't have a door to my room for 7 years. I finally was allowed to fix it when I came home from college. She didn't really abuse my brother, and when she tried I always stepped in and stop her. I would say it's not his fault its mine. I would say that I took his homework which is why he couldn't do it. Anything to stop her from beating him.

I was raped by different people from the ages of 5-10. Male children victims of sexual assault are 35% more likely to become perpetrators. The jury is still out on females.That is not a justification for what I'm about to say, at about the age of 10, I started to sexually assault my little brother. I would sleep with him at night and while he was sleeping, I would make him touch my parts. I wouldn't touch any of his parts. He began to wet the bed shortly after and nobody knew why. He had trouble sleeping. It really took a toll on him. He never told anyone because he loved me so much and knew what mom what our mom was capable of doing to me. This went on for about two years. So from 5-7 for him. I talked with him about it over the phone yesterday. I explained I was wrong and that I'm sorry. I told him he doesn't have to forgive me ever. I'm not looking for forgivenes. I was old enough to know what I was doing at the time. I'm old enough now that I am taking responsibility for it and that he should hold me 100% accountable. I have always known better but now I do better. I told him he should go to therapy to deal with any trauma I caused. That if his therapist thought it was a good idea I would come to a therapy session with him and he could say whatever he needed to say to me. That I would listen and respect him and do whatever he asked of me that I could do. He said he doesn't remember any of the assault happening. He remembers wetting the bed and me sleeping with him when he had trouble sleeping. But not making him touch me. He said he either doesn't remember because he was a very hard sleeper or because he's blocked it out. He said all he really remembers of that time is how mom abused me and me protecting him. I told him if remembering that time in your life causes you stress and makes you uncomfortable you should still probably go see a therapist. Maybe you'll start to remember, maybe you never will, I just want you to live the happiest life you can live. He said he would go. He said he loved me and that I caused him no pain.

My mom never owned up to the pain she caused me. She never said sorry. She never took responsibility. That's all I wanted from her. Other people never want anything from their abuser. I never want a sorry from my rapist. I want them to learn what raping someone can do to ba person. I want them to become allies to victims, stand up for them, believe them. I want them to not be bystanders and actively stop situations they see. I want them to tell others why it's wrong, and try to prevent someone who would be rapist. I want education from them. But I do not want them to ever contact me. 

I've been on both sides of the abuse. I believe on both sides there is pain. I think that if I could have gotten help for dealing with my own sexual trauma I wouldn't have inflicted it on my brother. The abuser needs help too. I'm not saying the victim has to understand their abusers trauma. The survivor has there own stuff to now process. They can hate their abuser. That is their right. They are allowed to feel anything they want to. They have the right to pursue legal action against their abuser if they want to. However, instead of just sending abusers to jail they should be required to attend therapy while in prison to deal with their trauma. They should get the help they need so they don't go on being abusers.

Skit: World Mental Health Day

October 10th was World Mental Health Day.  I spent the day self caring for the most part. I got to talk to my future parnter Latka. I'll tell you all about that later. I watched some Netflix with my mom.  I generally took it easy becuase honestly I didn't have the spoons to do what I had planned to do that day.

Mental illness is extremely common. According to the World Health Organization, 1 in 4 people, world wide, have been diagnosed with mental illness.  In America I know that number would be higher if we had universal healthcare.  If you can't afford the doctor here you don't get to go get the help you need.  You go undiagnosed and there for go uncounted. I would imagine it would be the same in other countries with out universal healthcare or lack of mental health resources in rural areas.

Mental health illiness occurs on a spectrum. My ADHD is really bad without my medication. I am forgetful, I can't foucus for more than 5 or so minutes, my brain moves so fast I can't keep up with it, I go off on tangent after tangent when trying to explain something simple, etc. For others it might look like needing a distraction free environment to get work done. They might not know they have ADHD becuase they have developed coping skills over the years to manage it. People at the lower end of the spectrum ( imagine it like a pain scale where 1 is I notice very slight discomfort but it's barely noticeable so I'm not going to do anything about it. Compared to an 8 where it really freaking hurts and is impeding you from doing anything) don't really know something is wrong so they never go seek treatment either. They go uncounted as well.

There are the lesser known mental illness, meaning that becuase people really don't know the symptoms they go undiagnosed. I didn't know eating disorders fell under mental health. Very spefic phobias fall under anxiety disorder.
Cyclothymia, Dysthymia, and Hypomania are lesser known mood disorders. Mood disorders include depression and bipolar disorder. Things that effect your mood. Delusional disorder and Shared psychotic disorder are psychotic disorders (a disorder that cause abnormal thinking and perceptions. It does not mean a person is out of touch with reality necessarily.). Impulse control and addiction disorders; compulsive actions or a uncontrollable dependantcy on something.  Personality disorders, these are hard to explain so just click the link to read about it. Stress response syndromes  is another one that is hard to explain.  I could not find a website I trust that have a simple overview of it however there are tons of scholarly publications on it. So if you have the time and want to decipher medical jargon Google it. I  do know that Acute Stress Disorder falls under this. Dissociative disorders are also hard to explain.  According to NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), also the site I just linked you to,  says that this disorder cause an "involuntary escape from reality characterized by a disconnection between thoughts, identity, consciousness and memory." Somatic symptom disorders as I understand it is usually a negative physical manifestation of mental illness, stress, or trauma. I also have this becuase when my depression and suicidal ideation are at their worst,  I develope an auto immune disease. The auto immune disease never has a physical cuase. They can't seem to cure it with any medicine used to treat any auto immune diseases. I only get better when I start to feel better mentally.  Then it magically goes away.  Some Tic disorders also fall under mental illness. The most notable is Tourette's syndrome.

These illnesses are just as serious as physical chronic illiness. Consider ashma, arthritis, or nerve pain. You can be born with it, some event can cause it, or it can develope over time. Once you have it, it never goes away. You can manage it. You can go years without any symptoms or side effects of the illiness.  You might not need medication to manage it, or you might need to take medicine everyday. You can start on medication then no longer need it to manage said illiness, or you might constantly need to increases dosages or even try new medicine to manage it. When you go for your yearly check up your doctor will always ask you about it. You might need to see a medical professional often, or once a year. Out of no where the illiness can come back with a vengeance for no apparent reason. Some days are better than others. Weather changes might make the illiness better or worse. If you have more than one chronic illiness they might compound on top of each other or both work together against you. The only difference is people tend to understand a physical chronic illiness, even if they can't see it like nerve pain or Irritable Bowel Syndrome. People can't see it but they sympathize and empathize with people who have it. Nobody tells them to just get over it, accuse them of faking it, say it's a cry for attention, chastise them for needing medication everyday, gets mad when they cancel plans due to their illiness, etc. So why do we do that to people with chronic illiness that effects a person's mental health? If you have to put it in terms of of physical illiness to make it easier to understand, fine.  A person's brain, a very important organ that we really don't understand how it works, is sick. That's the truth.  The brain is not functioning in a nero-typical way, thus the illiness.

on top of all these mental illiness, that are just as serious and valid as chronic physical illiness, there are a variety of mental disabilities. Automatically everyone thinks autism. Yes, that is one.  It deserves understanding and people with it deserve accommodations just like anyone with a physical disability. Did you know that there are others?  There is so much more. I have one of countless processing disabilities. Mine centers around language. Learning languages through writing and reading is extremely hard for me. In English, my first language, writing my thoughts out in an organized comprehensive manner is hard. That is part the disability and part ADHD. Though if I can talk out my ideas with someone, they can help me find the words to communicate what I'm thinking. Then they help me organize my thoughts in a liner manner. You all wouldn't know it, because I don't use my coping mechanism to write this blog,  but I'm actually a pretty thoughtful, thought provoking writer. I might upload one of my essays I've written for class later so you all can jugde me. It also effects my reading, but not my comprehension. I read extremely slow, I'm dyslexic, and I often have to re-read sentences becuase my brain doesn't process all the words and put them toghther to form the bigger picture on the first try. You think that would mean it would be hard for me to understand what I'm reading. If you just give me more time to work through it and talk to myself about it, I'm actually very good.  When tested I scored in the 95th percentile in the world for reading comprehension. Meaning only 5% of people all over the world who've taken the test scored higher than me. I also have a hand eye coordination disability. There is some kind of disconnect between what my brain tells my hands to do and what they actually do. This affects my ability to catch, hit a ball, throw, write, type,  and play an instrument like piano. I have been in physical therapy for 14 years. I can basically catch, throw, hit a ball, type, and learn to play piano as well as anyone else my age. My handwriting, on the other hand,  looks like that of a seven year old unless I write extremely slow. Those are my two but you can read about others here and here

I don't know of any country that takes mental health as seriously as physical or oral health. You go see your primary care physician yearly (or at least you're suppose to). You do see the dentist every 6 months (again you're suppose to). You might even go to the eye doctor once a year.  When was the last time you saw a psychiatrist or psychologist (the first one can prescribe drugs the second one you just talk to)? You should go talk to them. Tell them you've never seen a mental health professional or if you have the last time you saw one and what for.  Tell them you just want a mental heath check up.  They will probably be shocked becuase no one does this. They will ask you questions,  might give you a series of test, or might have you take a survey. After talking to toy they might revel you have an undiagnosed mental health condition or they will tell you you're mentally healthy. You can ask them what to do to stay mentally healthy.  I know my insurance required media have a referral from my primary care physician. All American insurances cover mental health treatment. Therapy is a great out let for stress and frustration caused by daily life. It can teach you better ways to cope with stress and how to be better in any type of relationship. So go! Stay as healthy as you can.

#WorldMentalHealthDay #WMHD

Daily struggles

I approach new lovers the way I approach cats. I am severely frustrated by both at first. When ever I meet a new cat that I like I'm immedietly like "let me love you!". The cat's response is normally and understandably "No! Who are you? Get away from me!" Then they go and hide.  New people I fall for are the same. I almost certainly scare them. Then that takes months to get them to relax again, if they are still talking to me whilst hiding from me. This frustrates me to no end but I get. I am a bit much at first and my intensity takes some getting used to. The frustrations subsides and I wait impatiently and sadly for the cat or person to come around.  All things in time.