When will love stop feeling like an addiction. I admit it I was addicted to them. Why else would I tolerate the way I was treated? I'm better and stronger than that. But here without them, all I want to do is crawl back into thier arms. I want them back. I want the pain and abuse. I hate how empty I feel without them. I hate how lonely I am. I hate who I am without them. I know that will all change in a month or two. But right now everything hurts. I don't eat. I barely sleep even with my sleeping meds. I'm trying not to rebound becuase no one deserves just to be someone's rebound but its so hard. I know I left him so I should be fine but it's not that easy. I love them with my mind, soul, and spirit. Everything that is me resonates with them. I want that. Send me strength to keep on without them. I am not strong enough to do this alone but I'm being forced to. God help me.
This is an unedited blog about my thoughts, my life, and my experiences living it. I leave it unedited so I can actually watch myself grow. It forces me to acknowledge my mistakes and learn from them. Feel free to leave comments
7/24/17
Daily struggles
I kind of like this badass Queer activist drummer/ bass guitarist. We'll call her V for Vendetta. But I'm too much of a hot mess right now to pursue anything. My feelings need to cool it.
7/23/17
Skittles: what do you want to be when you grow up?
content warning: death and illness
I am struggling with this question. I know what I theoretically want to do. I want to do product development for Raytheon. I want to be an engineer. These are my goals and why I'm in school. But I lose my insurance when I turn 26 and I defiantly won't be done with school by then. I know without insurance I will die. It's not a question it's a fact. My brain is sick which makes my body sick more often than not. If my body doesn't kill me my brain without treatment surely will. So when people asked me this question I use to answer with my job aspersions. Then after I got depressing I answered I wanted to be happy more often than not. Now with just a few years left to finish school and get a job with insurance, I answer I might maybe kinda want to be alive. I am still very sick and how much I value my own life is still very low. However, the logical part of my brain that has dreams and goals wants to live to accomplish them. The rest of me just wants to see the world then whatever may come I'll be ready. I will have lived a life worth living, making connections and loving. Everyone says I need to put school first but if I get to 26 and I look back, I will not remember the days I spent in the classroom. I will remember all my travels, those I've met, and all the love along the way. So that's kinda where I'm at.
7/19/17
Daily struggles
I just got out of a relationship so I'm not really looking but I would like a weekly snuggle buddy.
7/18/17
7/15/17
Skittle: The end of an Era Amoriartii. Part 2
I flew all the way to the east coast to break up with Amoriartii. I was there for less than 24 hours which is the second shortest amount of time I've take to see them. It was bitter sweet. We saw the monuments at night and went for a hike in the morning. The entier time I was distancing myself, trying not to forget why I was here. I eventually gave in and snuggled with them on the couch. But as we were leaving I stated we should just be friends. I want to have equal or as close equal emotional input as possible and I clearly cared way more than they did. It was causing me a lot of stress. I was scared, I am sad. But I found it's like ripping off a bandaid just do it quickly and get it over with. They recived it very well I think. There was no crying, however we did share some slight chuckles. I'm hurting, I'm healing. I haven't lost them I just lost the love we shared. They are hopeful everything will work out in the end. If we are meant to be they believe we will be. But they aren't going to try to make it happen either. Which is where we differ. I wanted this. I did everything I could to make it work and just me trying will never be enough. They weren't willing to try with me so I had to move on. They said something really interesting before we parted. "The universe keeps pushing us toghter like fusion it also keeps pulling us apart like fision. But eventually we will have to equalize." I think they have hope that we will end up together. But I don't. I'm done. I can't hope any more. I ran out of wishes. I've rubbed all the bottles and I'm fresh out of genies. I've caught all the fairies, plucked all the 4 leaf clovers. This is the end.
7/12/17
Daily struggles
Already really emotional becuase of depression and this break up. I didn't need my period too.
7/11/17
Skittles: The end of an Era Amoriartii Part 1
We don't try anymore. I don't think we put as much effort in. It's evident by the lack of photos of when we are together. Me wearing an outfit they've already seen. It is just little things that don't really mean much but it's a sign that we are slipping. Maybe we've grown comfortable or maybe we don't care. I've been questioning whether or not I still loved them and hadn't really reach an answer when they told me they didn't love me anymore. Guess I can stop soul searching on my part. I wish I felt blindsided but I don't. My heart has been preparing for this moment for almost a year now. It's strange to me how it's happening though. All of our big moments happen around conferences becuase that's when we get the most alone time. This is not happening around a conference or anything at all. It's very random. Maybe becuase I pushed for more contact. I wanted to know things now instead of wait and see how things unfolded. Patience has always gotten me what I wanted in this relationship and my haste might have been its demise. Waiting is not my strongest virtue. But it's been three painstakingly slow years, most of which has been me waiting for them to wise up and realize they love me, and them running from the fact that they love me while hurting me in the process. I don't think I could take anymore. I've processed so much pain from being neglected, disrespected, and disregarded. I think I'm done now. I never thought I'd be strong enough to walk away but that's what I'm doing on Saturday. I don't exactly know what I'm feeling in respect to the coming event. I've cried, I was sad, I was hurt, I was angry, I was in denile, but I think I'm ready. I'm just nervous. I am scared to throw away three years of my life. It was all for nothing. I will never be recognized as an ex and our relationship was never official, even though the feelings were always there. I will never have my babies. I won't have the life I've been dreaming of for the past three years. I have a blank canvas with so much potential. Most people would kill for that but I'm scared. I don't like not having a plan or an end goal. This relationship however toxic provided that security. Now I don't know what to do. What do I want? Outside of school and professional things that's always been hard for me to answer. I just want to be happy and have 2-3 dogs and a cat. I want to live in a city or a very close suburb ( think Jersey to NYC type close). That's all I know, and that scares me. But I know getting over Amoriartii is something I have to do if they don't love me anymore and I want to be happy.
7/4/17
Daily struggles
Going out with your male gay friends and watching them go home with someone every night. Meanwhile you always go home alone to an empty apartment. Constant feelings of inadequacy coupled with loneliness is enough to make you desperate. Trying not to do things out of desperation for human contact. Going to spend more time focusing on me and fostering platonic love.
7/3/17
Daily struggles
Thinks to self
*man I'm so hungry*
•you've already eaten three meals and two snacks and its not even noon yet•
*but I'm so hungry*
•did you take your adderall today?• 🤔
Already eating slice of cake
*no*🙁
•take your adderall and stop stuffing yourself•🙅🏾♀️
Orders a sandwich
*after we eat this*
Orders gelato
*I'm meant after this*
•🙍🏾♂️•
Eats tacos
•🙏🏾•
*🤷🏾♀️*