Skittles: what do you want to be when you grow up?

content warning: death and illness

I am struggling with this question. I know what I theoretically want to do.  I want to do product development for Raytheon.  I want to be an engineer. These are my goals and why I'm in school.  But I lose my insurance when I turn 26 and I defiantly won't be done with school by then.  I know without insurance I will die. It's not a question it's a fact.  My brain is sick which makes my body sick more often than not. If my body doesn't kill me my brain without treatment surely will. So when people asked me this question I use to answer with my job aspersions. Then after I got depressing I answered I wanted to be happy more often than not.  Now with just a few years left to finish school and get a job with insurance, I answer I might maybe kinda want to be alive.  I am still very sick and how much I value my own life is still very low. However, the logical part of my brain that has dreams and goals wants to live to accomplish them. The rest of me just wants to see the world then whatever may come I'll be ready.  I will have lived a life worth living, making connections and loving. Everyone says I need to put school first but if I get to 26 and I look back, I will not remember the days I spent in the classroom. I will remember all my travels, those I've met, and all the love along the way. So that's kinda where I'm at.