We don't try anymore. I don't think we put as much effort in. It's evident by the lack of photos of when we are together. Me wearing an outfit they've already seen. It is just little things that don't really mean much but it's a sign that we are slipping. Maybe we've grown comfortable or maybe we don't care. I've been questioning whether or not I still loved them and hadn't really reach an answer when they told me they didn't love me anymore. Guess I can stop soul searching on my part. I wish I felt blindsided but I don't. My heart has been preparing for this moment for almost a year now. It's strange to me how it's happening though. All of our big moments happen around conferences becuase that's when we get the most alone time. This is not happening around a conference or anything at all. It's very random. Maybe becuase I pushed for more contact. I wanted to know things now instead of wait and see how things unfolded. Patience has always gotten me what I wanted in this relationship and my haste might have been its demise. Waiting is not my strongest virtue. But it's been three painstakingly slow years, most of which has been me waiting for them to wise up and realize they love me, and them running from the fact that they love me while hurting me in the process. I don't think I could take anymore. I've processed so much pain from being neglected, disrespected, and disregarded. I think I'm done now. I never thought I'd be strong enough to walk away but that's what I'm doing on Saturday. I don't exactly know what I'm feeling in respect to the coming event. I've cried, I was sad, I was hurt, I was angry, I was in denile, but I think I'm ready. I'm just nervous. I am scared to throw away three years of my life. It was all for nothing. I will never be recognized as an ex and our relationship was never official, even though the feelings were always there. I will never have my babies. I won't have the life I've been dreaming of for the past three years. I have a blank canvas with so much potential. Most people would kill for that but I'm scared. I don't like not having a plan or an end goal. This relationship however toxic provided that security. Now I don't know what to do. What do I want? Outside of school and professional things that's always been hard for me to answer. I just want to be happy and have 2-3 dogs and a cat. I want to live in a city or a very close suburb ( think Jersey to NYC type close). That's all I know, and that scares me. But I know getting over Amoriartii is something I have to do if they don't love me anymore and I want to be happy.
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