Daily struggle

Check-in on you has begun to hurt. Can't even enjoy my weekly Facebook stalking anymore.  ><

Skittles: She said I was settling

I saw my therapist last week and at the end of our session she said I was settling for Amoriartii. This came as a shock to me. In terms of professionally or even socially I would say Amoriartii is out of my league.  They are a supper activist. Extremely well connected. They know many congress members on a more personal level. Celebrities know them. They have two bachelor's decrees and a master's from MIT. They have worked for think tanks and consulted for our government. I don't think I could aim any higher, maybe Obama (I doubt Michelle would approve though) , or the humanitarian of the year. How am I settling? I talked to my best friend about it and realized my therapist meant I am settling for how Amoriartii treats me. I want to be part of their world. I want affection. I want to be missed. I want to be thought of and considered. As far as I know and from my point of view I am not getting any of that.  Granted our relations have improved greatly.  I am use to lies, walls, being manipulated, having promises broken, them being unreliable, and them being inconsiderate. There's none of that any more. We are in a neutral space. It's not bad but it's not good either. I have always been there for them, giving all of myself and never asking or expecting anything in return.  Which I was fine with. That's just how I am. I don't expect to get anything out of it in the moment because I hope that if I do it for you, you would be willing to do it for me if I ever need it. Also, just generally being a good friend to develope good friendships. But instead of getting nothing in return, my trust and love was used and abused. I would normally cut my losses and leave but I never did that. I stayed. I gave them chance after chance. I was either stupid in love, or just a sucker for punishment but I stayed. I don't think that Amoriartii fully appreciates that. I don't think they fully appreciate me. Even through we are on neutral ground and I'm not being hurt anymore I think I deserve better than that.  Especially since they say they love me.  I want to be treated better. I deserve that. Not because of everything I've been through with them, I'll put all that in the past. No, I deserve it cuz I'm freaking great. I won't go into, because I'm not one to toot my own horn, so you'll just have to take my word for it. If they love me they need to act like it.  I don't want much but I need more than what I'm getting. I maybe want kisses and to hold hands sometimes. I want text for no reason. I want them to consider my feelings be for they act in front of me or decide something that will effect me. I would rather have silence over lies. Most importantly I don't want to be toyed with.  If I can't get that I think I will have to walk away.  I need better. If I can't get that then I'm done.

Journals for class: Gross out.

It was a normal day at work. We were teaching our normal classes. Cass our aquatics coordinator was teaching too today as someone had called off. Here's the thing about Cass. No one liked her. She was harsh, lacked tact, needed to work on her people skills, was all around unfriendly. Any who,  we were all working on this early Saturday morning, when the lifeguard blew the whistle and a parent was running over to their child. Everything was happening so fast. We had to get kids out of the water to a safe area. In the midst of the madness. I saw Cass running to the locker room mouth ajar, face of disgust, and hands moving in a panicked way. She was covered in diarrhea from her hair down to her waist. A child shat on her.  As she lifted the child out of the water to sit down, the child shat on her. If there hadn't been children to attend to I would have rolled on the floor laughing. We were all so amused. Our supervisor finally got a actual taste of her own medicine.

Blogs for KU

I am working on turning this group I run into a non for profit. It's been an overwhelming amount of work, but hopefully it pays off. I am doing this because right now we run things by paying out of our own pocket, which limits how much we can do. But if we can get grants, sponsorships, and donors we could do much more. Fingers crossed. So right now we are working on launching our website and part of our website has a blog so I will share with all of yo what I am planning to be my first blog post for the website. This does not effect this blog and anything I write for them, I will also publish here so have no fear.

HOW TO GET INTO KINK
By J Skittles

I am the newest to kink and how I got into kink is probably not the recommended method, as it was extremely by chance and atypical of how most people do it. I would recommend getting a Fetlife. However, instead of joining Fetlife and going to the first munch you can find, I would do a little research. Talk to the organizer of the munch online to get a feel of what this particular kink group is like. It is completely acceptable to tell them you are new to the scene. I find this way they can tell if this particular group would be a good fit for you. Now you might run into the jerks who don't want any newbies, but you really don't want to be a part of a group like that anyway. If they aren't welcoming, try to make you feel comfortable, and don't seem to have time to answer any of your questions, don't bother attending that munch. I sought out munches based on some of my identities. I really liked one of Chicago's POC munches. They were nice, welcoming, friendly, and didn't think of me as a burden because I was new. That is what to look for. It also helps if you have friends in kink. Then you can lean on them for support and ask them questions as well. Spend a lot of time getting to know people, and when you feel comfortable you might attend your first play party with someone from your munch or do a scene with someone from your munch. You can look up play parties on line but do your research on those as well. Read about them and contact the person/people running it before you decided to attend. Always attend your first play party with a friend or a friend you met at your munch. That way, if you want to play you have someone you know to play with and if you don't you have someone there with you regardless. If you choose to do a scene with someone from your munch first, which is the path I would recommend taking, spend a lot of time talking first. Find out what they like, talk about what you might like. Set up how you are going to check in with each other, talk about hard and soft limits and boundaries. Then go ahead and play once you feel comfortable.

I did not do any of this. I still don't have a Fetlife and have no desire to get one. I run an ever expanding kink org. So for right now I am as connected as I want to be with the kink community. If I didn't run KU I would probably have a Fetlife. My first encounter with kink was a huge play party at Creating Change Houston, where KU was born. There was a play party in my hotel room with the founding members. It got shut down by security so we moved to one of the ballrooms.  It was a huge success. All I did was watch out for security, let people in and out, and fetch water, but I had never seen anything like that before. It was also my first Creating Change.  My first scene was just a week later with two people who are board members. It started out as learning to tie a harness and turned into a 3 hour scene. There was no talking before hand, I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know what I liked or what the person I was playing with liked. I was so nervous. I didn't play again for two years. Not because my first time was bad. Despite not having any prep or knowing what I was getting into it was still very good. I was just shy and still didn't know what I liked. I also spent most of my time as a dungeon master during most KU parties, running the play parties and making sure everyone was okay. That never left a lot of time for me to explore what I liked. Then I met our newest board member in 2016 and all of that changed. I still hadn't had much practice, but when I played with them something just clicked. I decided that I liked dominating almost exclusively. I started to learn different things like how to flog and where I can hit with what toys. I also developed a relationship with my now primary, and only, play partner. I'm still learning as I would like to get into fire play and learn how to throw a dragon tail. I am still developing my relationship with my play partner and learning what they like. My take away from getting in to kink is it is suppose to be fun. You will always be learning. If you get into a kink relationship it's constantly developing and you grow together. Happy kinking.

Journals for class: I remember

I have to write a series of journals for class and I thought since I haven't been writing lately that I would share them with you.  This first one is called I remember. It's suppose to be about any memory.

I remember before my brother was born, what is now his room was my play room.  The walls where white and the windows where to high for me to look out of. I was older that 2 but younger than 5. My play room had all my favorite toys in it and dress up close hung in the closet. Blankets for forts were on the closet shelf. On this particular day my mom was in the back yard doing yard work. I was in my play room and it was warm enough to have the windows open. It was either spring or summer and the sun was shining through the window.  A light breeze came through the screen and I talked back to one of my only friends the wind.