I saw my therapist last week and at the end of our session she said I was settling for Amoriartii. This came as a shock to me. In terms of professionally or even socially I would say Amoriartii is out of my league. They are a supper activist. Extremely well connected. They know many congress members on a more personal level. Celebrities know them. They have two bachelor's decrees and a master's from MIT. They have worked for think tanks and consulted for our government. I don't think I could aim any higher, maybe Obama (I doubt Michelle would approve though) , or the humanitarian of the year. How am I settling? I talked to my best friend about it and realized my therapist meant I am settling for how Amoriartii treats me. I want to be part of their world. I want affection. I want to be missed. I want to be thought of and considered. As far as I know and from my point of view I am not getting any of that. Granted our relations have improved greatly. I am use to lies, walls, being manipulated, having promises broken, them being unreliable, and them being inconsiderate. There's none of that any more. We are in a neutral space. It's not bad but it's not good either. I have always been there for them, giving all of myself and never asking or expecting anything in return. Which I was fine with. That's just how I am. I don't expect to get anything out of it in the moment because I hope that if I do it for you, you would be willing to do it for me if I ever need it. Also, just generally being a good friend to develope good friendships. But instead of getting nothing in return, my trust and love was used and abused. I would normally cut my losses and leave but I never did that. I stayed. I gave them chance after chance. I was either stupid in love, or just a sucker for punishment but I stayed. I don't think that Amoriartii fully appreciates that. I don't think they fully appreciate me. Even through we are on neutral ground and I'm not being hurt anymore I think I deserve better than that. Especially since they say they love me. I want to be treated better. I deserve that. Not because of everything I've been through with them, I'll put all that in the past. No, I deserve it cuz I'm freaking great. I won't go into, because I'm not one to toot my own horn, so you'll just have to take my word for it. If they love me they need to act like it. I don't want much but I need more than what I'm getting. I maybe want kisses and to hold hands sometimes. I want text for no reason. I want them to consider my feelings be for they act in front of me or decide something that will effect me. I would rather have silence over lies. Most importantly I don't want to be toyed with. If I can't get that I think I will have to walk away. I need better. If I can't get that then I'm done.
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