Skit: New years resolutions

I have a few resolutions this year that I think I actually might be able to keep. I want to listen to understand not to respond. I think If I listen to understand I will know my friends better and have a deeper connection with the people I talk to. Conversation might have pauses as I process but I think they will be better over all. I want to walk away from conversation feeling like I know more than when I went in plus a sense of resolution that comes from deeper meaning. I want to think deeper. I want to question everything. Most of the time we do things just because we always have. Maybe we once knew the meaning of something but have long forgotten. If we reevaluate why we do things we might find the reasoning archaic or outmoded. We need to constantly being revolutionizing our lives so we don't get complacent and comfortable. That leads to plateau. I think questioning more will give me the constant feeling off progress we are all looking for on top of opening my mind a little. Last thing is I am constantly getting asked by my family, gay and blood alike, why I'm not dating. The answer is very complex and I am not going to go into detail about. But I want to love this year like I've never been hurt. I am tired of being scared. I want to live like I'm not jaded and do not know of the evils in this world. I want to love like I've never loved before. I when I fall, I fall hard, you all know that. But I don't live my feelings, so as far as anyone who interacts with me in real life they are left in the dark. I love hard but I do my best to hide that fact. This year I want to love out loud, and let the emotions I've have be known. So I am not going to shy away, and I am going to face the butterflies.  

Daily struggles

Heart,
In light of recent events you're decision making powers have been revoked. Your judgement has clearly been compromised, and your choices have been questionable at best this past year. Ms. H. Thalamus will be taking over all matters of the heart this coming year while we start the formal inquiry process to review your past performance. You are on permanent suspension and restricted to coronary functions only pending the outcome of the investigation.
This is your formal notice,
J-Skittles

Skit: a year in review '14

I am not going to do my year in review like last time where I broke down my life into three different aspects. Not much happened this year despite the up tick in writing. I feel like this year was rather regressive in terms of women's rights. Or maybe we never made as much progress as we thought on that front and that was only brought to light with all the rapes, murders, and court cases. Gender seemed to be all over the news with Janet Mock and Lavern Cox taking the world by storm. I am so happy that the face of the Trans*  movement this year was two strong black women. The majority of my inner city trans* community is QPOC and I think its important for them to have real role models. People who know what its like and have made it. They know what it is like not to have health insurance, to be harassed by the police, or to be confused for a sex worker. I've had the esteemed privilege of meeting these people. They remind me of my fairy godmother and they are in fact friends. They inspire me to be as strong as they are and remind me not to give up. Even in my darker hours It helps to know that I have people who support me. Its no secret I have been struggling with mental health for the pass two years. My depression in 2014 got worse for a number of reason. I stopped taking my meds, stopped getting help, and really stopped talking about it.  However, I know that's not the way. I can't quit because I have people looking up to me, depending on me to get things done.  I have to stay strong if not for myself, for others. I worked on setting up a support group at my old school for all of the leaders in the community who struggle the same way I do. I work on being support for my best friend and leaning on him too. I learned that for most things in this life you can not go it alone. You need help, support and to trust someone else. That is terrifying to me. I don't want to need help. I don't want to have to trust someone to get help. So as you can see I didn't get any better at trusting this year. I am still very reserved in my own mind. I know that how I come off and how I see myself are two very different people. I haven't decide if that is a bad thing because the J-skittles everyone else sees is a bad ass. But its lonely living a double life. This year has felt very lonely despite all the new friends, places and faces. I have had a craving to be understood. I have wanted someone to get to know me but unable to make that happen with my fear of letting people in. I have realized I have a lot of work to do when it comes to connecting and building new intimate relationships (intimate not necessarily meaning physical). But that just swings back to the whole trust subject. I find it is getting harder to trust the fellow man. There was so much hate this year. Every couple of weeks some young black person was being killed by the police the very people I am suppose to be able to trust to come to my aid if needed. It proved that we still have race issues. That some of us can't be trust because of the color of our skin. Tell me how am I suppose to trust someone when I can't trust "white people" cuz my parents say they are out to kill me. "Asian" people cuz they are out to take my education. "Latin@" people are out to take my job. "Black" people are out to kill me. Who does that leave for me to trust? With that said in every period of tragedy that befell us this year I saw a people rally up if favor of hope and support, unwilling to let hate win. That let's me know that we aren't doomed as a species yet. I have had my own personal moments along those similar lines. Having gone down a completely different path than I thought I would be on life has gone a lot better than I could have even hoped for.  I defiantly anticipated more resistants from my parents about me leaving University for a local school. I expected support from my siblings and in fact it was quite the opposite. My siblings, particularly my little brother, had a rather strong negative reaction. None of them really understood my troubles for the first couple of months I was home. But they asked me over thanksgiving break to make them understand. I told them I feel like Sia's chandelier. No matter how you take the lyrics, metaphorical or literal, that is how I feel every day. They seemed to get that. They understand that I am just trying to make it through and that I have rebuilt my one brick at a time. I learned this year I will never make it back to who I was. I want to, more than anything, wake up the same person I was August 2012.  But that person is dead and this person, this J-Skittles, is not. So I have to figure out who I am now and work with that. I can't go back, burn to many bridges. One I wish I hadn't. This pass year really cemented the relationship I would have with Gordic for years to come. I still check in on him cuz I care but we really don't talk unless we have to, which is usually never. I wish that was different and as far as next year goes I am going to try. I am so tired of being bitter and angry. I want to move past it but I don't know if he will forgive me. I wouldn't forgive me but like I said I'm bitter and angry. I have learned that I don't forgive myself as easily as I do everyone else and that jealousy can make me do crazy things. But crazy is good sometimes. Many unexpected things happened this year and you just have to go with it sometimes. Stop fight the current and go with it. But I've never been good with letting go of control. Its all a learning processes. That would probably be my huge take away this year let go, open your mind and learn. I have tried to thinking deeper this year. I can't say I really succeed but I am not going to give up. Trying to improve is noble quest that I think all of humanity is dedicated to, why shouldn't I try my hand at it. I think my resolutions for this coming year will reflect that when I pick so resolution. Maybe I will stop procrastinating and pick some before new years this year. Wish me luck

Stay fierce 

Skit: family matters

I spend most of my time talking about gender, sexuality, or the soap opera that is my life. What I rarely bring up is the fact that I am black. I talk about race issues but I never really talk about how I see race or how I feel as a person of color.  I've always though that the phrase of color was odd. Paintings are full of color the, different vases of color. People aren't of color because every person has a color and there does not exist a race of not color. White people aren't white they are pinkish. Ask a white child to draw themselves on black paper they don't use the white crayon the use the pinkish flesh like one, but I digress. I guess I've always felt more apart of the queer community than I do the African American one. Thus I don't feel as if I am qualified to speak about it. Yes I am black and I do have more if am authority to speak about the black community than a random not black person. However it's still a community and you have to be part of it to be an authoritative voice for it. Someone who is part of the community regardless of color of skin is more qualified to speak about the African American community than I am. More qualified still is African American member of the community. So I don't often talk about black issues. But recently my father asked me why I don't feel part of the African American community? I suppose it would be because of the values that I associate the current African American community with. Excluding anyone who is not for my generation, specifically talking about the young African American community I have very little in common with them. They don't value eduction; they are not dreamers or go getters; they have very little respect for each other; they do not value etiquette; they don't respect themselves; loyalty is all talk and never practiced; and family means almost nothing. I think I would fit in better with the old African American community, the way things used to be. From the stories I hear they were respectful, tight-knit, and valued information and education. The family and religion was also very important. Family is so important to me, I would do anything for my siblings. It means something when I call somebody part of my family. I have 5 adopted siblings, 1 half brother, younger step sister, and two God brothers. As far as I'm concerned there are my blood siblings, and I am bound to them. I will love them, respect them, help them, and never turn my back on them. I have two gay families. One with my fairy godmother and  fairy godfather. The other with my 3 gay dads, 3 lesbian aunts, 2 queer husbands, 2 kids, lesbian uncle, lesbian sister, straight mom, and bisexual cousin. We look out for each other. My gay families are my gay support system for all things queer in my life. I gravitate towards the gay community for its tendency to set up family networks and support systems. Everywhere you look in the queer community you will find family groups. In the ball scene, on the drag scene, in everyday support group, and centers. Even in the mentorship program I've become a mother or big sister to my mentees. From what I experienced in the young African American community they don't want more families because they from broken ones. Families that have let them down. (but again this is only my observation as a non member of the community) I will partake in communities that fit my identities based on whether or not I identify with their values. Identify with family and it has lead me to a lot of wonderful communities.

Skit: sweet nothings

I have decide that Amoriartii is my sweet nothing. Words that sound pretty but lack meaning and emotional depth. Its like sustaining yourself on the idea of chocolate but you never get to taste it or eat it, because in reality you don't have any chocolate. I want to touch, hold, and eat my chocolate. Giving your all and getting nothing in return just leaves you empty, with nothing but hope to cling on to. All the admiration in world means nothing when we both know the words are just full of hot air. I hope that if I keep telling myself this that I will be able to give you up, but its not easy. It should be, cause I'm not even the only one. I've know about the sex and that doesn't bother me. Its the emotional attachment. I can see it when you look at them. I know how you feel, you can't lie to me.  I've had my doubts for a while but I guess I would rather be confused than hurt. Refusing to know even though I can see the writing on the wall. I can remove myself from it so its easier to be your friend. I can talk about it in the abstract with out anything tangle to hold on to. I know it only hurts me but it helps me keep you here. I know all of my advice has been telling you to go after another's heart but I didn't need to meet them. I knew I would never be enough but now I know who is, and yes, that might me act crazy. But I've met him now so I Know I'm not the only one. I guess as the days grow shorter so does my patience for this whole thing. I keep telling myself I am to smart for this. Too good to be putting myself through hell like this. I am way too invested in nothing. The weather changes, grows colder, and so do I. Everyone's time is important so why waste it pretending to care. I'd rather just call this a draw and move on, because we are way pass the hour for tears. But I am to broken to just pick up the piece and carry on like Amoriartii never happened to me. I need time I do not have to rebuild my life. Squeezing every second out of my day and most nights I hardly find the time to sleep. Don't get me wrong I don't regret this. I have lots of old friends and misplaced memories because of this. I knew from the beginning that Amoriartii was way out of my league. I could  never love them right. But this it what we have hopes and dreams for. Pray for rain during drought season in a desert right. Hope and well wishes might be all I have left to hang on to. Unrequited love leaves you feeling so empty. So please don't take more than you need from me. I don't have much left.  I was kinda hoping we would end up together but that ended in flames too. Amoriartii was my prayer for heaven. Left with the ashes to start anew.

Daily struggle

When you have a million other plans but you cancel for the person you like only to find out they didn't cancel for you.

I don't even want to go anymore.
Is it to late to call in sick ( calling in queer)
If I was aromantic I wouldn't have these problems

Skit: and I didn't faint

I did it! I did it and I forgot to tell you. Exactly a month ago I told Amoriartii I liked them and I didn't die. I didn't bust into flames or melt or faint. They didn't say it back but they also didn't say they don't like me. If we were going off their reaction and other actions I would say they totally like me back. All I have to do is wait for them to say it. I think I can wait. *fingers crossed* I was expecting to feel relived but I just feel more nervous than before. I wish I would have fainted. Then they would know exactly how nervous they make me feel and I would have nothing to hide. As things slowly go nowhere I will keep you informed.

Skit: Mercy

The people who need to hear us won't listen until the streets are red with blood from both sides. Funny how something that is barely audible when alive is impossible to ignore when it's dead silent. I am tired of murder turning people into martyrs. I watch the news every night wondering if it's going to hit home , if it is going to be one of my friends on the TV. I wake up every morning wondering if it's going to happen to me today. I walk city streets and I see the police. I have to not only watch my back for the every day violence in the city, but I have to worry if I am running from the frying pan into the flames? Can I trust the people who are suppose to help me? We need to stop the violence on both sides. Giving in to peace doesn't make us weak it makes us strong by giving us or lives back. Give up for the chance to grow up, grow old, live. If it helps I'll be the first one to cave and say mercy. Cuz we are screaming it and it's falling in dead ears. We need mercy!

Daily struggle

Dear Santa

Instead of a hot significant other this year for Christmas I would like the following:

A cat (kitten) Bengal or Bombay
Free Netflix for the rest of my life
Unlimited credit on Grubhub and Seamless
And a faster metabolism.