Skit: world AIDS/HIV day

I have at least 3 friends who have HIV. I love all of them dearly. Most of them got it while I knew them so it doesn't phase me. But I have seen so many doors close on them because they got this dieses. I have seen what it does to there mental state. How it effects almost every aspect of their life. But I have also seen them grow and be forced to change for the better. None of them are the same. Life with HIV is their new normal. One of them does HIV/ Aids advocacy  work now. One does ILL and okay political theater. One does fundraising and finical support work. All of them are in my opinion better now than they were when they were negative. They have all had opportunities they never would have looked for or been open to before.  Their mind frame about the whole issue and issues like it ( ie mental illness and other chronic scarless illness) They have an understanding and clarity of life like never before. They have learned so much like who their real friends are and peoples true colors. HIV isn't stopping my friends from living their life and it won't stop me from being part of theirs. I am negative they are positive and as long as it stays that way that's all that matters. I get asked a lot what would you do if something happened and you got it. Something crazy happened like a car accident happened and positive blood got into my negative blood and now I have it. First off treat it try not to get it but if for some reason that didn't work and I now have HIV I am still alive. I am alive and I would then have HIV. I would hope that however I got it in the car crash it was at least worth it. Like my friend tried to save me or I tried to save them. I would love them even more after the fact for saving my life that I wouldn't even be mad. Today I would like to stand with my friends who I love. I am not being an ally or a brave person. I am being a decent human being who stands by her friends when they get sick. That doesn't make me an ally it makes me a friend. A disease makes us sick not less than human. I would like to be part of the process to ending the stigma against people who are positive. Get tested very often and regularly. Know your status. Stay safe and stay healthy (whatever that may look like)

Daily struggles

When your itching to take a day trip.
When you want to see a friend but you don't know which friend to see and they have to be state side.
When you can fly anywhere in the US to meet a friend and you wanna make a status so your friends will know your down to chill so they can make the choice for you
But you don't want to sound like a privileged ass ( even though you might be)

Skit: the color of your skin and the value of a life

I am once again extremely sad to be American. There is so much that happens that we are unaware of. Our news doesn't report anymore and we don't go looking for the truth ourselves but every once and a while something happens that we can't ignore. Black people in this country keep getting shot lethally. They are unarmed young and painted in the worse light possible by the media after their death. Instead of as a victim of police brutality.  I understand police go out and risk their life everyday to keep the peace and every interaction they have with non police personal might be there last. They walk around in fear of everyone around them because of what they have seen what they know people are capable of.  Mean while people walk around just as afraid of them. I don't know much but I can recognize when a system is broken. They train cops to shoot to kill and everyone who is not white is taught by either their family or experience not to trust police.  Everything that is not white is scary every american knows that. The media has perpetrated this and even worse we ourselves have started to believe it. We have started acting the part. It is now a crime not to be white in America. You will be shot, treated as a terrorist, or deported for it. We don't need to fear one another and acting up in violent protest isn't going to help. I know we want to react. But we need to react peacefully. That is the best option for the long haul. I would like to live in a country free to dress how I please and be free of judgment and harassment. I want to live in a country where my love doesn't hinder my religious practices. I would like to live in a county where the color of my shin doesn't define me.

The rainbow loves back

When I love like every love song and I am so high its been weeks since my feet touched the ground. I'm in denial about the fact that I'm flying and the letters that make up your name when pronounced correctly is the sweetest sound.  Half way gone and already delusional you think I wouldn't have to lie.  But the way you look at me, seeing right pass my defenses is petrifying. I know if my umbrella had holes in it I wouldn't keep it up. But just because you can get pass my guard doesn't mean I am going to let it down. In fact I feel like I need it more whenever you're around. I can't bring myself to just let you in. Which is why I think its best to remain friends. It doesn't mean I didn't like you or that I like you any less. I just need time and patience.  I promise you I'm worth it. Please don't get discouraged. I let you in a little at a time. Every time you here me sing and sing along or laugh I feel more at ease. Every time you catch me dancing and you tease. Every time I tell you how I feel and you accept that I grow a little more comfortable. I give you a little more rope, stand back, and see if you will hang yourself. Everything is a test and at any moment you could fail. But your human so I understand we have failings. I, for one, am far from perfect so I want you to like me not for my short comings or my success but in how I arrived at them; and I will judge you the same way. I am more interested in how you fail and deal with the failure then what you failed at. (unless it is a failure to acknowledge the hetro white classis cisgender christian patriarchy  system of oppression) I don't want to stop at knowing how you think I want to understand the thought process. I want your syntax to feel more familiar than my favorite pair of jeans. I want to be able to match your gate with your emotions. I want to for fill and surpass your expectations when it comes to being able to make you feel better. But I suck at comforting others, I can't even comfort myself, but I will try. I want you to know that I feel your feelings. You know I try to be distant and cold when really I am warm feeling. I am always scared of hurting and so socially awkward it hurts. I don't know what I'm doing, just making it up. But that is hard for me not knowing every move. I would like a plan, a guide that details every step. The control issues at very real but please don't go. I'm not a ruthless dictator I promise and yes I know that is what they all say. The unknown is scary and I like to know what's coming. That's why you are scary because I didn't see you coming. I don't like surprises but I'll surprise you.

Daily struggle

One day I will be on the news for killing a screaming baby on my plane. New rule children under 7 get sedated to keep the other people from killing them

Skit: Turn out for what

National vote day everybody! I know everybody has the idea of my vote doesn't matter or I don't even know who to vote for. Well vote anyway. If you live in a big city and vote later in the day you can Google who is up for election  and what the people stand while you stand in line. http://www.isidewith.com You will know who to vote for by the time you get to the voter's box. I vote based on a couple of issue that impact me directly, student loans and minimum wage. Goggle will tell me who is for lowering student loan interest and raising the minimum wage. Goggle will also tell me where I can go to vote. We need to vote for our congress people and our general assembly. The closer they are to local government the more they affect you. Vote for people in your state and your town. They are so important and put in way more work then your senators and representative who spend most of their time filibustering and funding the sex worker industry in other countries but vote for them too. Exactly how the the election process works is strange. It is all about the  electoral college and how that  works is confusing and confounded but the popular vote does matter too. So I am asking you what are you truing out to vote for?

Midnight sacrifices

This is a dramatization of what I feel like when awoken.

*is rudely awoken by loud stranger on the phone in the next room over*

*puts on nightgown*

* walks down the cold hallway barefoot*

* grabs hunting riffle off the the mantle from over the fire*

*warms cold feet near fire for a second*

* walks back up the hallway*

* murders who ever is on the phone this loud at Fucking midnight*

*sacrifices  there dammed soul to  Satan* ( because there is a special place in hell for them for waking me up)

* drinks blood of enemy like glass of warm milk*

* goes back to sleep in the peaceful quiet of the night*

If there is one thing I love just as much as chocolate and skyrim its my sleep. ( and I get so little sleep) waking me up unwise and I will be very grumpy and cranky until I get back to sleep.  No victims were actually sacrificed.

Daily struggles

The very real struggle of being less of a bitch. (Overly aggressive, harsh, alpha female)

Skitt: writer's block

I am having trouble writing to Amoriartii. I have been trying to write them for about a month. I want to write something witty, funny, and cute so that they like it but that is difficult. Writing the truth would be easier but I frankly don't want to and they wouldn't want to read it any way. If I was to write honestly from the heart I still don't quite know what I would say. I would ask them how they have been. We haven't spoken as much because I've been bitter about not spend their birthday with them. I know that things hit them harder than they expected, wanted, or was really ready to handle but hey that's life for you. Emotions in there many forms can throw us for a loop and that's okay. More often than not we need to feel. People like us need time to just feel. Where we are going to find that time to feel is another story. How is life in D.C? Was D.C ready for you? I would say I know what your going through but D.C might as well be a second home for you as much as you were there before so I hope it hasn't been to much of an adjustment. So much change this fall new city, new people, new job, and new chapters. I am looking forward to seeing you in my second city for Ostem 2014 and waiting to here your stories with bated breath. So much has already happened since I last saw you and we will no doubt have much to talk about.
With Love,

But I want to know about the boys and life and work. I miss them so terribly. But I also have so many feelings directed towards them because of recent events that I am trying not to to let effect my judgment. I want to tell them I was so sad, hurt, and worried when they canceled for their birthday. That I feel unimportant in their life in lieu of recent events. Also I need to tell them how I feel. Though again because of stuff and things I almost feel contrite about like them so much. We will see how things go.