I loved you but I didn't know how to love you properly. That led to me causing you a lot of heart ache, pain, and hurt. I was never able to be fully honest and left a lot of words unsaid. All the times I would just stop talking to you with out explainion. I apologize for my poor communication and toxic behavior. I wasn't in a place mentally where I could have been in a healthy relationship. I wasn't committed to changing my behavior to be better either. I recognize that now. I have actively worked on my communication skills, being vulnerable, learning to trust, and over coming my own insecurities causing my anxiety. I have found a therapist that gets me and am making a lot of progress.
I know many of my actions and words were hurtful. Whether I was retaliating or just being dismissive of your feelings, I now see the all of that pain you have suffered silently. I am very sorry for neglecting your feelings and disrespecting you. Social ques where never my strong suit and I have trouble taking others feelings into consideration. But I have been very intentional in working on my relationships of all kinds. I have worked on respecting boundaries and having occasional check ins to make sure they feel respected and cared for. I still don't get social ques due to a learning disability but I am coping with that by just asking how people feel. I listen and make sure that when I act I do so in a way that doesn't intentionally hurt people. I am also learning to speak to those I care about in a way that is less authoritarian and dismissive. I want those around me to know that they have autonomy and that I do care about what they are saying. Improving my active listening skills and changing my vocabulary has made all the difference.
I was hard to love. I was hard to trust. I was hard to get to know. I was hard to understand. I know now if it was easy. But you tried. You kept trying. You never gave up on me. You are patient. I never gave you any credit for all that you did. I only criticized. I apologize for not even trying to see your point of view and never giving you patience, understanding, or appreciation. I am working on not taking people for granted. I am thinking through things not only from my perspective but trying to see how things could be interpreted differently. My friends are helping me with this. I am also working on getting out of my own head. I catastrophize and only see the worst in things. I am working on having a positive inner monologue. But mostly I am working on not making assumptions and patience. Patience allows me to take the time I need to calm down. Not making assumptions means I have to just ask for the others person version of things. I'd love to hear your side of the story by the way. This allows me to decide how to move forward with all the information not just my own perceptions.
Finally I am sorry this took so long for me to say. I am bad at apologizing to those I love. I told you this break in 2014, I don't know if you remember. I have been trying to apologize to you since 2017. Between trying not to cry, because I feel so bad, and my anxiety I never manage to get the words out. I am working on being able to talk through apologies through practice and therapy. However, I find the best way for me, at the moment, to say everything is to write it all down in a letter.
I would greatly appreciate you bringing anything I have missed to my attention. I want to apologize and I deeply regret not doing this sooner. I owe you a complete and sincere apology that include the ways I am actively working to do better. So if there's anything you think I didn't address please let me know.
