P.S. for Felix

Dear Felix

I have willed my letters and everything I've ever written about Amoriartii to them. Don't give them to them yet. They will just throw them away. But I know in time they will miss me and want something to remember me fondly. Please give them to them only when you're sure they aren't angry or sad any more. It will probably take a few years. But when they miss me. Then give them to Amoriartii.

I also have charge you with a task in my will and final testament. Love Amoriartii more now than you ever have. Please do this for me. Grow your love for them everyday. When you don't want to and you're ready to give up, love them. Love them past the end of time because I can't. I tried.

If I could have stayed alive on the sheer power of love I have for Amoriartii, you, and rest of my people I would still be alive. But life doesn't work that way and I was unable to find my way out of the darkness. I've been battling this demon since I was 7 years old and I could not fight anymore. The want to die has been part of my life longer than I've been queer. I couldn't keep fighting with myself. It is with a heavy heart that I made this choice. I didn't want to hurt all of the people I love so much. I didn't want to write this. But I felt the least I could do was tell everyone that I loved that there was nothing you could have done. There were no signs for you to see. There were no cries for help. I've been in therapy all my life with many different people. I've tried endless combinations of prescriptions. I've been hospitalized. I've been to residential treatment. I couldn't imagine living in a hospital or residential facility for even year. It's all about quality of life. I've been where I wanted to go. I've seen what I wanted to see. I've lived well despite it all. I've made friends with some of the best people I had the privilege to meet. It was time for me.

I won't say I will never send this. I just know at the moment. I won't be sending this. For the past 5 years of my life my Will has been the same: money for these people and causes, stuff goes to a few certain people, sell and donate things, a few specific letters if I killed myself or otherwise died, orders for my company, a post about the fact that I have died, and passwords so my best friend can deactivate all my accounts. I have a generic note written to whom ever I'm dating. I have a letter to my bestfriend. I have a letter to my board. I had a letter and things for Amoriartii. After this January I revised my Will. I added three people to give things to and completely removed Amoriartii. I copied the letter into my online folder of Amoriartii memories then burned the physical copy. Upon my death my bestfriend is the to transfer this file and all of its contents to Amoriartii's spouse (who is currently Felix). Along with the instructors to give them to Amoriartii when they are ready.