9/29/18

Skittle: my ex's

Would I date an ex?
No one before my sophomore year of college.
After that I would but someone would have to change.

For Cyborg I would have to give up my dream life and my soul mate.
Or Cyborg would have to learn and enjoy  polyamormy.

Amoriartii and I need to talk, trust, apologize, be brave and be honest.

I just want Amoriartii to  be healthy, be so happy it's centering, and loved deeply and completely. I want them to continue to grow. I want them to treat goal's like marathon ribbon run right past them. Over achieve! But also find that balance.

I have loved you since NYC it got real in Houston and we were in tears in Kansas City.
One love. You 2013-2018

If I could ask them any questions I would ask them |Do you love me?| |What type of love?|
|Are we good for each other?|
|Do we make each other happy?|
|Do you trust me?| |Do I trust you?|
|Do you want me to be in your life?|
|How so?| |How much?|
Starting over is full of crap. The crap follows you. A person just handles it better. I want to
Start communicating openly, no secret ulterior motives, and no lying. Share the plan, share the strategy, share the weapons. Then once it's all out we can talk. I want to apologize for hurting you because I'm putting myself first so don't notice your pain.

The situation would have to had been different with V. She would have to work  through her tramau. I would have to deal with mine. Go to therapy together make it work. We both wanted it to work.

I know I can never go back to V and she will never come back to me. I want her to be happy and I want all her wildest dreams to come true. I know she can't do that if I'm around. I need to leave her life for her to be happy. Yes it hurts. I wanted to hurt. I didn't think it would be fair for this to send her to hell in her head without pain on my part. She hurts because of me and I hurt because of me. I wanted her to kill me because I didn't want to live in a world where I hurt those closet to me. I know now that she will smile, love, live, and thrive if I just stay out of her world. She can't do that work while I'm trying to get her attention through acts of self pitty. I need to leave her alone. Stop online stalking. Stop following. Stop checking the guest list. I'm already dead to her I need to stop haunting her. I need to do the hard work. I need to heal myself. Get introspective. Don't live for her. Don't die for her. I have to take control of life.

9/28/18

Skitt: I wanted to feel happier

I wear my heart on my sleeves.
I bleed out in the open,
for all to see.
I will not hide my pain.
I will not be silenced.
I will scream on the top of my lungs when it hurts.
I will cry publicly,
no matter how ugly it looks.
I will not calm down when I'm angry.
I will laugh when it's funny.
I'm allowed to have feelings.
I'm human and I have feelings.
I will not hide.
Expressing emotion is nothing to be ashamed of.
I can express my feelings,
and it will not be chalked up to a stereotype.
I have a plethora of feelings.
My emotions will not detract from my quality of work.
My emotions will not detract from my reputation.
My gender will not determine
whether I'm passionate,
or overreacting.

I'm not an open book.
I've got much more than skeletons
buried places far more secret than the closet.
Laundry so I dirty
Clorox bleach can't even get it clean.
Blood stains all over the place.
Need more than holy water
to get rid me of all the sins I've wrought.
The path I've traveled is not the easiest.
In my wake I've left it littered with
broken hearts
dead bodies
burnt bridges
smouldering brimstone.
I was too lazy for the stairway to heaven.
Plus,
I wanted to drive the 1960's classic Mustang on the Highway to Hell.

9/27/18

Daily struggles

I still only think of Amoriartii when I hear a love song. When I see people in love I think about the times Amoriartii and I were happy together. But when I see art about love or listen to poems about love I also think about Vendetta. I spend more time crying about V then I do smiling about Amoriartii. I think that our souls I meant to have many kindred spirits that were meant to spend the rest of our lives with. I believe we're meant to love a few other souls for eternity. I'm really young so I can't say for sure but I think I found two of my eternities.

9/25/18

Daily struggles

Today my friends were making jokes about how they like their romantic partners. One said she likes her men like she likes her Tequlia, she doesn't drink Tequlia. Another said he likes his men like he like cultural bold with deep roots in Africa. Mine were different.
I like my lovers like corporate America likes their employees, with years of experience and a lot of references.
I like my lovers like I like my heels, broken in.
I like my lovers like world class brass player: experienced, execeltent breath control, and great tounge game.

9/11/18

Daily struggles

So I'm thinking of changing my name to something more gender affirming. I haven't decided on a particular name yet. So I'm just trying out names that I like. I told my friends and my family that I'm out to. It went something like this:

Me: Hey I'm trying out this new name. I'd like you all to call me by this name until futher notice. My pronouns are still they/them.

Friends and Fam: Excellent! Hello. When are you going to permanently change your name so we can throw you a name day party?

Me: Look I just thought about this. I don't even know if I like the name I chose. I'm just trying it on. It's like a free subscription to Tidal. Of course I'm going to try it cuz it's free but I don't know if it's worth my money yet. Changing your name is expensive. If I do it, I probably wouldn't do it until I've have to replace I renew other expensive documents.

Friends and Fam: So like two years? How far away is does name day party?

Me: Ugh, fine. 2027... Maybe!

9/8/18

Daily struggles

I have so much actual content that I need to finish. But I just finished something that took 2 days it is 10 pages long. Sorry for how long it is not sorry for not posting stuff more often. It's about quality not quantity, but you're not going to get either from me.

9/7/18

Skit: The assassination of April 15, 1865

On April 15th 1865, racism won in the United States. In the theater in April in 1865, the American dream for anyone visibly of color died. In the Americas a war has been waging on since the first white people happened upon true civility. These pale savages from a land of death, strife, and suffering happened upon abundant resources and in contrast peaceful living. This land was not without its own turf wars, it was not perfect. However, in comparison it was paradise. Lands that did not have the need to develop technologies for excessive killing. Some lands that didn't have the need for suspicion of strangers, nobody has heard of the pale individuals harming anyone. Theses pale savages started a war that is still going on in the Americas. In the United States the war was all but won not on a battlefield but in a theater.

The dates are true and the people are true. Google scholar is excellent at providing facts from accredited sources. The opinions and interpretations are mine, through they do resonate with a large percent of the of people within the US border.

The US was born from the blood of a genocide of indigenous people. I do not believe the United States of America has ever  made any attempt to treat the indigenous people with any sort of dignity. Part of the US did try once, probably motivated by its own greed, to help a particular group of people of color. Slaves. The industrialized northern part of the county did try and succeeded at abolishing slavery. Slavery in the form of owning a person was abolished. I believe the wealth of the North prioritized ending slavery to gain economic dominance over the part of the county that produced the North's raw materials, the agricultural south. The South could not afford to push their agendas for the country if the North crippled the South's economy. There was already a divide of priorities between the two that did not concern slaves. There were more citizens in the North yet the government was politically split because neither the North or the South dominate the US's domestic economy. The wealth wasn't evenly split among voting citizens but was almost geographically even. However, there was more northerners. Why couldn't they get their way with the government? Why did the northerners have to share the power with a handful of southerners who didn't share the northern vision? If the northerners could cripple the Southern economy they can take control of the country.How could the North become the economic power of the county and thus guarantee the country's government worked in their best interest?  Collapse the Southern economy by taking away the South's workforce. Free the Slaves.

The Civil War did a few things. It made more people genuinely believe that Slaves should be free. It allowed Slaves to prove they were just as good as whites. It gave a platform to pure hate based on color of one's skin. The southerners saw a rise in being outsmarted by their slaves. The country, through divided saw newly freed slave soldiers win battles and slaves again and again earn their freedom while also giving the North strategic advantages that became turning points in the war. This changed a few northern people's mind about Blacks. It made Southerners hate blacks more. Racism as we know it was a result of the Civil War. Racism was more than a belief for southerners, more than an ideology, it was a way of life. Many people find it weird that the accomplishment of the slaves didn't sway many southerners, or that instead of hating the North for starting the war, the southerns doubled down on hating slaves. It's not strange when one understands that people were raised by slaves, played with slaves, spoon feed by slaves, cared for by slaves, only to beat, sometimes the same, slaves sometimes to the point of death later. It was not uncommon for an adult to sell the slave that had cared for them since infancy without any thought. On the other hand, Southerns could regard a white strangers as family. They could not hate the North more. What Americans know today as racism, that pure consuming hate, stated during the civil war.

Despite how it is/has been retold by some Americans or taught at some schools throughout the U.S., it is a fact that the South loss the Civil War. It is a fact that the Civil war is one of a few wars where nothing happened to the losers. Just to give some context, there is a "war" known as Toledo War where even here the losers were punished. In this war no one died and there was only one person injured in the entire war. Michigan lost and had to give up the Toledo strip. Even in that "war" where only one person was injured the loser where punished. No accredited source retells that war disputing or failing to admit the fact that Michigan loss, but I digress. The South was suppose to be punished as losers of the Civil War. The Republican Congress at the time, when the Republicans were the liberals, had a few different ideas for Reconstruction, some of those ideas included punishing confederates. Just like today, there were factions with in the party and they disagree on how much action to take. The general idea was: dissolve confederate ideology among the southerns, help the Freedmen, build railroads, rebuild the South's economy, and reunite the country. Not everything they wanted happened.

Congress, with Lincoln as president, did start along the path of reconstruction that the Republicans wanted. All of the governors in confederate states were replaced. The new temporary governors were usually assigned by Lincoln. The union did take control of confederate military's land, money, and property. The Radicals wanted to strip the leaders and high ranking military officials of the confederacy of almost all their land, property, and money. Only a couple of confederate leaders, militarily or otherwise, were tried for treason after the war. Some confederate leaders were temporarily imprisoned in military prisons after the war and never faced a jury, but were released. On December 8th 1863 Lincoln offered amnesty to those that weren't involved in the confederate government, high ranking military official, and swore loyalty to the Union. This policy of pardoning confederates continued even after Lincoln's death. The original plan waa states could only rejoin the Union and hold elections for congress after ratifying a new state constitution that complied with the rules of one of the reconstruction acts. All of this was done to exterminate confederate ideology and reunite the nation. None of this was done to punish the confederates and as it stands, being found guilty of treason was the only punishment that less than 10 confederates faced after the civil war.

The important parts of reconstruction that had long lasting effects are: what happened to the South's economy and what happened to the freedmen. Despite making it a priority railroads were one of the greatest failure of reconstruction. The railroads failed to get built, create jobs, or positively affected the South's economy. The only way to revive the southern economy seemed to be to continue to produce raw materials. Who would do this hard labor? The Freedmen, the newly freed slaves. At least they are free now right? Wrong. After the war, but while places where still under military control, distribution of confiscated lands did continue for a bit. General Sherman, the Radical Republicans, and the Freedmen knew that part of freedom meant being economically free, owning their land, not being in debt to anyone. Before Lincoln was assassinated he failed to acknowledge that the freed slaves need economic freedom and help others in his party pass laws accordingly. This would lead to the demise of freedom and autonomy for newly freed blacks.  Lincoln did establish the Freedmen's Bureau which was established to deal with matters concerning the newly freed slaves.

Prior to his assassination President Lincoln, the Republican Congress, the Radical Republicans, and the Freedmen were all steering this country the direction of true freedom for Blacks. The Freedmen's Bureau was to see to, among other things, the education, housing, and employment of the free slaves. The 13th amendment, which abolished slavery, was passed by Congress. The Union Military continued to free slaves throughout the South. Radical Republicans were fighting for the right for black men to vote and have equal protection under the law as white men. This brief period also saw the reconstruction acts that were passed enforced. Confederate leaders still weren't being punished for losing the war, but they were not able to regain political either.

Living in the land of Lincoln I was taught that, Lincoln's death was a national tragedy. The tragedy was the lives blacks could have lead, the effects his policies would have had on shaping the US for people of color, and legal oppression of Blacks that may not have happened if he hadn't died. At the time of murder it was not considered a national tragedy at all. In fact many southerners were happy to have him out of the way. To the people of the South, Lincoln person who stole their most valuable property/livestock. Lincoln was the cause of the collapse of the South's economy. Lincoln left many southerns destitute. To make matter worse, Lincoln tried to make blacks equal to whites! To many southerns, even if they weren't racist or never owned a slave, Lincoln's assassination was a blessing. Even more so when you consider who took over, Andrew Johnson.

Andrew Johnson was one of the only
southern elected federal officials that didn't defect to the confederacy when his state withdrew from the Union, even through he didn't want to end slavery. Johnson was democrat who somehow become Abe's vice president and took office after Lincoln's demise. With Johnson in office came another surge of racism, the death of a chance for true black freedom, the legalization of oppression of people of color, and the beginnings of the Civil Rights Movement. Johnson returned all confiscate land to its original white owners. He pardon all confederates that had not yet been pardoned. He promoted bills cutting funding for the Freedmen's Bureau and blocked all bills trying to expand its power. He did not enforce laws when it came to protecting blacks rights. He did not take action against the extreme violence in the South against blacks. He supported racist laws and policies. Congress fought, opposed, disagreed with, and even try to impeach Johnson.

It's under Johnson's presidency that we see the foundation for the oppression of people of color we see today. When Johnson returned all confiscated land, he single handedly puts up one of the first road blocks for generational wealth and economic independence for blacks. Johnson sent a message to the country that it is okay to oppose your government for the sake of one's own personal problematic ideologies, such as white supremacy. By returning land, giving amnesty, and removing as many protections as he could for former slaves Johnson effectively becomes the first president after the Civil war to support white supremacy.

Throughout his presidency he continues to support racism in his actions, policies, and speeches. Johnson himself is not responsible for pushing blacks into agricultural jobs, he just helped make the the lives of blacks in agricultural jobs hell. The Republican Congress were the ones who pushed for blacks to return to their agricultural jobs, partly due to their failed railroad plan, but also to save the Southern economy. When newly freed blacks had land or acquired land the freedmen did established themselves usually by agricultural means. It is important to note that not all free slaves took the path of agriculture. Some slaves once free move north, some the already had trade skills used those, some learned a trade, some started a political career, some became religious leaders, and some became educators. However, a majority stayed in agriculture because, and this is important, other opportunities that were accessible to freed blacks, both in proximity and available to blacks, were scarce. Under Johnson the Freedmen's Bureau had its funding cut and powers limited. Remember it was the Freedmen's Bureau that was responsible for not only finding employment for newly freed slaves but protecting their rights as employees. Prior to Lincoln's assassination the Freedmen's Bureau did a fair job helping blacks negotiate employment contracts with white plantation owners. Sharecropping was a practice not only ex-slaves participate in but poor whites as well. The poor worked the land and got a fair percent of profit and crops. Sometimes a the deal was to work the land and earn a fair percent of the profits, fair percent of crops to eat, and work towards owning a small piece of the land. Under Johnson they no longer had the resources to maintain the same quality of work. Without oversight the white landowners quickly abused the system and took advantage of the Blacks. For blacks, it went from sharecropping to peonage, which was very different.

Black codes were also to blame for the shift from wage labor to force labor. The South saw a rise in Black Codes between 1865 and 1866. Southern states weren't the only ones with Black Codes, northern states also had Black Codes. Through, the laws weren't always referred to or called Black Codes the disenfranchisement and oppression was strikingly similar to Black Codes. According to the following states government websites, Ohio, New York, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Oregon, North Carolina, Virginia, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Maryland, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Texas, Arkansas, Kentucky, Delaware, Rhode Island, Connecticut, Vermont, Missouri, Iowa, Wisconsin, and California all had what would be considered Black Codes during the Civil War or at least up until 1866. That is 27 of the 36 states that made up the US during 1866. Most of northern states had these Black Codes before the Civil War started, which requires you take a pause and really question why the North wanted to end slavery. Based on the Black Codes the reason the North wanted to end slavery cannot be because the North sought equality for Blacks. If the North sought equality for blacks why would many of Black Codes include  laws prohibiting blacks from owning land, drastically limiting their employment options, or outright preventing them from taking up residency within the state? These particular Black Codes are the foundation and birth of redlining. Redlining is a practice used to force African Americans and other people of color into certain areas by restricting their ability to buy property and using economic disenfranchisement (i.e. restriction on employment and education). Little facts about redlining, it was and is the worst, in terms of practice and long lasting effects, in Chicago. However, Black Codes were generally the worst in the south, though it should be noted that Rhode Island had the worst Black Codes in the US at the time. The American historical Association agrees that Black Codes replaced slave codes in the south. Without the oversight of the Freedmen's Bureau and with legal backing of the Black Codes blacks were forced into economic slavery. Black Codes accomplish this by preventing blacks from moving freely about freely (i.e. traveling from place to place and entering public spaces), preventing them from owning land, restricting or preventing blacks from getting an education, failing to recognize certain jobs, laws requiring harsher sentences for blacks, criminalizing unemployment of blacks, and having to present labor contracts to authorities at any given moment. If a black man was unemployed, couldn't produce a labor contract, the labor contract what's considered void, or broke any laws that's black man would be forced into either public labor or bought for private labor. That black man would have to work under whatever labor conditions he was sentenced to for his entire sentence without path for recourse to appeal his verdict, the length of hid sentence, or conditions of labor. The labor shortage added incentives to arrest and convict blacks. Why would a white landowner hire and pay a black person when he can buy labor from the state government prison system forfar cheaper? This is the foundation and creation of the prison pipeline system which continues to oppress African Americans and people of color today. The black code often required harsher sentences for blacks which established the president from which judges base their sentencing on for African-Americans and people of color today. Black Codes gave birth to discrimination in the legal system. Convicting blacks and forcing them into labor is what gave birth to our prison labor today.

The South took advantage of blacks not being able to read and keeping them uneducated. They would force their black sharecroppers to buy tools and food from who the black workers had a contract with for highly inflated prices. The white landowners would lie about what the labor contract entailed. The white landowners even lied about the percent of profits the blacks were supposed to receive. All of those tactics drove blacks into debt to the white landowners. Forcing them to continue working and trapping them into a system which only drove them into more debt. The Freedmen's Bureau was usually unable to assist free blacks, thus they had no other choice. This is another brick in the foundation of establishing economic disenfranchisement/oppression of African-Americans and other people of color in the US.

None of this was supposed to happen. However, after Lincoln's assassination I believe there was one pivotal moment that led to all of this. A proclamation by President Johnson to hold a convention to re-establish the southern states' governments. Of course it was whites only. Prominent members of the confederacy returned to power and took political office in their state government. Once in power again they passed laws disenfranchising the newly freed blacks. The freed slaves at the time had had no legal recourse. Freedman could not challenge the in their local courts, they had no legal ability to do so and if they did blacks weren't allowed to serve on a jury, so what jury would side with them? Who would represent the Freedman in court if they were allowed to challenged the legality of Black Codes? Being unable to challenge the laws in court at the local level meant that they couldn't even appeal to higher level courts. Johnson vetoed almost every bill that the republican-controlled congress passed. Johnson did not support ex-slaves at all and favored the former Southern ruling class. Johnson helped the former Southern ruling class return to power in part because he believed given the chance the blacks would vote against him and he knew the southern democrats would support him. Congress was facing two uphill battles supporting the enfranchisement of newly freed slaves and keeping confederates out of congress. They did manage to pass the Civil Rights Act of 1866, despite Johnson's veto, which made a lot of the Black Codes null and void technically. Enforcement of this act left a lot to be desired. The Civil Rights Act of 1866 angered many white southerners, even though the act wasn't really being enforced in the south. Anger, hate, and the arrival of the 14th Amendment gave rise to the Klu Klux Klan and Jim Crow laws.

Lincoln was not keen on punishing Confederates as he sought to quickly reunify the nation. Johnson while vice president gave speeches talking about punishing Confederates but when he took office failed to follow through. The Union failing to punish, dissolve the social power of, and prevent political power of confederates is to blame to for the continued ideology of the Confederacy. People have no shame in continuing to support the Confederacy, why would they? Nothing happened to the people who waged war against the Union and definitely committed treason. Some argue the Confederacy was punished because slavery ended causing a great loss economic loss property. A year into the Civil War Lincoln presented a plan to Congress where emancipation would be gradual and the federal government would play slave owners $400 per slave, no matter age, ability, or gender. Given that a strong, healthy 15 year old male went for about $800 in 1860 freeing him for $400 does not make sense. For an old, sick, or a misbehaving slave $400 was more than fair. According to Lincoln it would have been cheaper for the Union and fair for slave owners. Washington D.C. was the only place where compensation for gradual emancipation took place. The Confederates had the option to choose the money but they did not. Black Codes then forced blacks back into slavery. The American historical Association agree that even after all slaves were free June 1865, most black were stuck in economic bondage and for all intents and purposes were still slaves. Confederates regained their land, power, and workforce. There was no punishments. No punishment meant it would be no end to hate and belief that whites are superior.

Along with sustaining the belief of white superiority, most of the groundwork for today's oppression of people of color and African Americans were born and established a stronghold on American culture following Lincoln's assassination. Black Codes in the South gave rise to hyper criminalization of black men, discriminatory sentencing practices, unpaid forced labor (prison labor) and the birth of the prison pipeline. Black Codes of the North, preventing the ownership of property and land, limiting employment, and putting up roadblocks to education, gave rise to redlining. Forcing black field workers into debt to the farmers who owned the land was one of the key factors that started the economic disenfranchisement of African-Americans and other people of color, the other being taking land or legally preventing blacks from owning land. Jim Crow laws gave way to educational disenfranchisement of African-Americans and other people of color. The rampant violence throughout US post civil war, but especially in the south, directed towards black people, by white men and police (who were/are white men with the badge), who had no way of getting justice solidified the belief that black and brown lives are worthless and black and brown people are disposable.

9/5/18

Skittles: 🌹we're okay

Everything is okay with Lovely. We were sleeping, but it was super hot. I had a hard time getting to sleep. It was too hot to snuggle. So I put the comforter between us at our feet so we didn't touch. I had been using the comforter for the past two days to snuggle but it was too hot that night. When Lovely finally got to sleep she immediately rolled over facing me and mirroring my position. I couldn't help but smile. I moved away so that we wouldn't touch. As close to my edge of the bed as possible possible. But she just moved closer. We were laying on our side top hand would have been used to cuddle. Bottom arm under the pillow stretched out. She grabbed the comforter to snuggle it. Eventually she was close enough that our hands just barely touched. Enough to know the other person was there, not enough to get hot. We ended up just touching hands all night. She woke up first. When I woke up she said " I woke up to your face smiling at me ya creep." We both laughed.

9/3/18

Skittles: 🖤🌹🖤

So many people lean on Lovely. They do what I do with the same struggles or worse hardships than me. I want to have a reciprocal relationship. They are strong for me. I can be strong for them. I can't make them trust me. I'm bad at comforting. I'm bad at not trying to fix it. But I excel at being there and showing up. I move mountains for those I love. They know where to find me, but where do they go? I want them to know how much they mean to me. I love them wholely, fully, and with the entirety of the universe. The atoms that make them are one of my favorite configurations of matter. I just don't know what elements to use to convey that to them. I'm afraid of what they would think. I'm in constant fear for the status of our friendship. I think they will doubt me and I'll continue to stress them out as they watch me fight for my life. I'm alive in here. I'm alive despite all this darkness. I'll return to my glory if only to eases their suffering, love them out loud, and find them. I'll be a warrior again. You know where to find me, Lovely I'll find you.