My therapist says I need to try to see it from other's point if view. That people aren't out to get me. Hurting me is usually just an unforeseen effect. Or hurting me was a necessary evil to protect themselves. Try to understand where the other person is coming from. I thought I was rather good at placing myself in your shoes, we do wear the same size. I was actually extremely broken up about betraying your trust. Trust I spent the last four years cultivating. Four years, gone. I didn't mean to hurt you. Until recently I never meant to hurt you. After January has been a different story but before all of this I never wanted to cause you pain. Knowing I hurt you crushed me. This probably isn't the first time I've hurt you. I think that time I met your boyfriend when I came to D.C. dinner would be one. He and I ganged up on you. That was uncalled for. All the times I disappeared without a word probably hurt too. When I would tease you and went too far. If I was you I would see me as fickle. It would be hard to trust someone who is always leaving for no reason. It would be scary to love someone like that. I wouldn't want to get attached either. I don't think I could deal with someone so moody. Plus you knew I was broken and I came with my own baggage. It would be hard for me to get past all that. There is a lot of tramua that I wasn't working on, that I am still not working on. There are so many wounds still open so many wounds festering, infected, and unable to heal. Could I handle all the complexities that I come with? So many red flags I would have run the other way. I am hard to love. I am hard to trust. I am hard to get to know. I am hard to understand. It was never easy for you was it? But you tried. You kept trying. You never gave up on me. You are patient. I never gave you any credit for all that you did. I only criticized. I only saw how hard I was working I never considered you were working just as hard. Being accused of not caring not trying probably hurts more than anything. Me with my impossible standards. They weren't impossible standards in my eyes. I just didn't communicate what my expectation were with you never had a chance cuz you didn't know. I'm sorry I've hurt you. I didn't mean to. I never wanted to. I would have changed immediately if I would have known. If I would have just stopped to think. If I could have just gotten out of my own head and looked at the system as a whole. Until now I never tried to see it from your point of view. The problem with us being so similar is I forget just because it feels like you have telepathy doesn't mean you're actually in my head. I need to talk. I am willing to talk, listen, and be open minded if you can do the same.
Xoxo
J Skittles
This was hard. For the same reasons it is hard for Amoriartii to know that they have hurt me, its hard to know when I've crossed that line. I know them very well but I can only know when they are hurting if they want me to know. We hide pain, fear, and love for each other from each other. I am going to trust blindly. It is terrifying to give someone the ability to bring me down. Not that I'm not already destroyed but its different with Amoriartii. If I tell them the truth, they know me so well they could make me do anything. I'm giving them control and hoping they don't use it. But I think I have too in order to reach them. I have to show them I trust them. That I still love them. Then maybe they will remember they love me too.
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