Content warning:
Suicide ideation
This year as the years before it was dominated by my obsession with love. Trying to meet my insatiable need to be loved and fill some sort of void inside of me. I broke up with Amoriartii, for good I think. I'm indecisive, self-destructive, and constantly back tracking when it comes to them. We will see what happens in this coming year but I'm hopeful that is over. My play partner, who I have definite feelings for, is moving into a romantic relationship with someone else. I have all sorts of feelings about this. I'm not even going to lie and say I'm going to try to handle this in a heathly responsible manner. So stay tuned for that drama. Also I'm looking forward to being in a poly relationship with Latka and Vendetta. I need to work on communicating, managing my exspections, and balancing my needs in a way that don't overload either of them. So far neither of them text back enough. I'm almost satisfied except it's the season of me being needy. Until summer, when I become busy with travel and partying, I will be banging my head against the wall. I will also be considering using NSA/CIA tech to spy on them/get them to answer me.
I started this year with a I'm going to do me type attitude. Thanks to seasonal depression around September it morphed into I don't care about anything that's not going to further my agenda attitude. I got a lot more aggressive as I've been using all of my patience on Vendetta. I have taken charge in a cut straight to the point regardless of other people's feelings type way. I'm usually a bit more emotionally conscious and thus more manipulative. However, brute-force has been my go to method for a while now. My friends that annoy me with thier anxiety I've secretly drugged with anti-anxiety meds. I know it's wrong but it makes them chill, keeps me from murdering them, and makes them easier to deal with for me. None of this is an excuse and I know it's all bad but I admit that I do not care. For my friends that need to get out there more and are always bothering me about the lack of sex in their lives I've blatantly intoxicated them to lower their inhibitions. Then help them pick a person to hook up with. The rest just happens naturally. I've been teaching my parents a painful lesson about how selfish I can be. I have been intentionally non complicit in their "request" (demands) for me to help them in their lives. They except me to handle certain things for them because I always have and I just didn't do any of it this year without telling them I wasn't going to do it. I set a limit (a very low threshold) to the amount of crap I was willing to take from people and after they reached it I was just blunt with them about how I was done. I've rather like this way of living. Everyone else in my life hates it. I have to decide what's best for me. I do in fact need people, so I should be wary of burning bridges. I just feel so unencumbered by centering myself to the point of being willing to hurt others if it makes it more convenient.
I can't decided if I've become a worse person this year (because I don't know if I should be comparing myself to 2016 me or comparing myself to my peers and how they have faired this year. Those are two outcomes are drastically different). I am not suffering as bad from my Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder, as it has manifested completely differently this year. My mental health is improving. My general health has improved. My ability to function in school saw an improvement as well. By all measurable standards things look up for me despite the current status of the world. I'm extremely skeptical of my ability to maintain a positive standard in all those categories. Whatever morals/ethics I gained in 2016 are gone though. It's a very interesting state of being. The only thing that's stops me from doing terrible things is my desire to maintain relationship with my loved ones (or in the case of Vendetta cultivate a healthy relationship). I know that there are certain things my loved ones would never forgive me for if they had it on good authority that I did whatever they suspected me of doing. So unless I know for sure I will get away with it, or not face any consequences for said action, I generally don't do it. I think though that means I've regressed to highschool me, who lived by the same standards. I for the most part I no longer set the standard of what is right and wrong. It is set for me based on who I value the most. So if the people I surround myself with were scum then I would in fact also be scum. That is not currently the case. Nonetheless my apathy is a tiny bit disconcerting, not enough to change, but just saying.
For 2018 I'm going to survive the best I can. The world is going to get worst before it gets better. Germany come save us, as a country that has done this before we could use the help. I am going to try to make strides in my academic career. I want to grow my organization. I always make the resolution to try to live again. I am committed to that goal of feeling alive again. I think if I can accomplish that then I might be able to better deal with my suicidal ideation. However, I'm going to make that live again resolution smaller and more manageable. I want to have more meaningful moments, those priceless moments that I can never quite describe, but make me feel a little bit better about making it this far and still existing. I'm going to year full of moments I never want to forget.
