My friends and I have code names for our depression. It's not that we don't talk openly about our mental health issues, it's that we aren't always free to speak about how bad it is in the moment. Also sometimes just admitting we have a mental health problem is to much to handle so we use code words that seem smaller. Today was one of those days. After two days of not taking my antidepressants, for a good reason, I crashed. All I wanted to do was curl up and cry. Lovely tends to feed off the energy around them. So becuase I was in a mood they were too. I wanted to get out and do something. If I force myself to get up and be productive I feel better. But Lovely didn't have the spoons to go out so we stayed in bed drinking. We eventually left becuase they had to work but most of the day is gone now. I usually visit Lovely when I'm in distress and leave better. But I came fine and I think I'm going to leave in distress. It's hard. I have an inherent attraction to them. So it's never easy visiting and getting to be so close but still so far away. Plus they have a few romantic/sexual interest right now that I had to witness first hand. Then we talked about what we look for in potential sexual or romantic interest and I am all of the things they say they want but I think I'm just to messy right now. I don't know and I think it would hurt to much to know why not me. I wouldn't say I'm jealous of the people Lovely likes, I just feel hurt because it's not me. This month, but especially this weekend, has made me feel so undesirable. I went to a party with Lovely, looking good feeling confident. But no one I talked to seemed interested. I'm already limiting myself becuase I refuse to talk to white people like that for reasons I will explian in a differnt post called The Diet. But no QPOC I want wants me. They all go for white people mostly. So I wonder if I wasn't black would I be more desirable? Would people notice? In my queer spaces if I looked more non binary would people talk to me? I will never know if it's me or how I look. I hope its me because that I could change if I wanted too. I don't but I could. But I will always be too black, not non binary enough, and too fem (atleast while it's hot).
8/27/17
Skittles: Chaos Chaos
It's dark in New York city. There are no stars to be seen in Brooklyn. It's just black and empty. The sky feels like I do on the inside. Empty. The sky is meant to have a moon have stars. Be complete in community and with others. My codependent self does not want to change. I don't want be self reliant completely. I'm an "extrovert" ( not really but enough), I need people to recharge. I need community and to be with others to be complete. I'm not meant to stand alone. It's cruel to leave me alone. Humans die with out companionship. We are meant to be social. So why can't I? I go to parties and I freeze. I feel out of place and I need someone to stick to. I operate in this world not caring what others think. But wanting to be liked. But wanting to connect. But wanting to be seen, I mean truely seen. But wanting to hide. But being afraid. But not trusting others from bad pass experiences. But wanting to be wanted. But wanting to be missed. But wanting to be loved. All at the same time so I freeze and get nothing. I'm still afriad. I'm still wary, and I got nothing. I went to a party with a friend and I froze. But they flirted. They cruised. They socialized. They got numbers. They met people. They made out with people. I want that. I want to flirt. I want to kiss. I want to be desirable. I have a lot of problems with this. I wonder is it me, If I was anyone else, but still me on the inside, would I still be lonely? Is it because I'm black? Is it because I'm queer? Is it because I look female? What's wrong with me? Why does no one, not even me, want me? I'm a sky with no stars. Yes I'll be fine on my own but I'll always be empty.
8/17/17
Daily struggles
I have something on my mind but I can't get it out. There is so much happening in the world that it overwhelms me. There is so much that has happened that I haven't written about that I wanted to but just felt engulfed by all of it that I didn't get it out. I want to go back to simpler times of writing about people I liked.
8/14/17
Skit: Charlottesville
I am not surprised. I am not surprised that this happened. I am not surprised that the original protest met the counter protest with violence and that none of the original protesters where charged for that violence. I am not surprised that they where not met with riot gear police the way peaceful black lives matter protest are. I am not surprised by the lack of outrage over this white Supremacist domestic terrorism or the lack of a response in general. I am not surprised By people's unwillingness to call it white supremacy and domestic terrorism, even though that is what it is.
We have a president that is threatening a country with nuclear war with no regard for his constituents lives or the lives of the people in the other country. He preaches hate. He dehumanize women, Muslims, Queers, black people, Latinos, and anyone who is not like him or connected to his money. He has given a voice and vailidated people who have the idea that there way, a way where anything that is different or unknown is wrong, is right. That all the progress we have made, and despite these protest and our president we have made progress, means nothing and that we can and should go back to a more unhuman time. There are more of us, people of color, Muslims, immigrants, Queers, women, people who believe in civil rights for all than there are people of hate. I'm not saying all women, are for Muslim rights, or all people of color are for Queer ( trans specifically) rights. But there are more people who believe in some or most of these ideals then there are people who hate all of these ideals. We need to do two things. One, convince the people who only believe in some of these ideas to believe in all them. There is a person out there who is all of these things and need all of thier rights. We don't need to see this person to believe in intersectionality. We need to believe that every human should have the same rights. Two, stop being bystanders to hate. Often we think of hate as these lager thighs like violince and this protest. However, it's small things like microaggressions, and racist jokes, or our immediate perceptions of people based on how they look. Stepping up and saying this is not okay. You are wrong, and here's why. We might not be able to change everyone but for the few we can educate we can change them. We need to push back against thier hate and not give them a platform. Anything we can do to stop them, we must!
8/11/17
Skittles: Better- TH
It's over quicker than it began. I just saw V with this girl who likes her and who she likes back. They are so cute. They are both artsy and connect that way. I just don't get her like that and I think I'm too abrasive anyway. So I'm going to bow out gracefully before I make a fool of myself. I've never been one to be a quieter but I think I need to let this one go. Looks like I'll be by myself for awhile. It might be good to get some me time. Maybe I'm better off alone.