12/12/16

Skittles: Because we all could use a little more pain

I'm went to New York City this weekend to run away from my heart.  I wanted to be with someone I liked and who might like me back. Lovely has been sending me weird signals lately so I decided to go for it. I needed some passionate love in my life. Something with spark. That's one thing Lovely and I have, electricity. However, when I round about brought it up they said no.  I didn't want to flat out say I like you and have them say I don't feel the same way.  That would kill me in my fragile state.  But rejection is still rejection even if you bring it up in a non serious way.  I was hoping for a little more than I got. We are very close, very touchy, very lovey dovey but with no feeling behind it on there end.  I don't know why I thought putting myself out there twice in the same month would be a good idea. It just left me feeling more defeated than before.  I'm addicted to complicated, messy, and passionate situations. I fall in love with the other person. The other person never can, will, or ever be capable of loving me back. But for some reason this is how I choose to live. I'm prisoner to a way of living that is ultimately emotionally empty and cold. I need to learn to love and live simply or I may always  be in  some sort of pain.  Never being wanted the way I want to be wanted. I just have to let go of my addiction, and work on me.  I am leaving New York just as empty handed as I came.

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