An important letter to Amoriatii

An adaptation:
Amoriatii,
     This is so hard for me to write because I've been avoiding bringing this question to you for so long. Is this relationship healthy and is it working for us? I know we said we would stop if it starts to hurt one of us, but the truth is I don't want to stop. I am desperately holding on to hope for a future for us. I know I don't know the answer to either of those questions and that is scary. Or maybe I do know the answer and because I don't like it, I refuse to acknowledge it. Either way it pains me to question our relationship. I question it because I want more. Because I have lost trust in you. Because the odds are not in our favor. I have sat for three years by your side loving you quietly and passively. I could have continued to do so for the rest of my life. But you brought your feelings to me, and I am glad you did, and my world changed. Suddenly there was a chance. You inadvertently gave me hope. In the past all I had were evanescent moments of bliss followed by hurt and heartbreak. In the past, I have never talked to you about feeling hurt. I just push you away and don't talk to you. Then after awhile you apologize, sometimes not knowing what to even be sorry for, and we move on like nothing has happened. That is my fault. That has to change. I need to talk about all of my feelings with you. The good the bad and the ugly. The emotional manipulation also has to stop. It hasn't happened lately, but I can't allow it to happen in the future. You know I love you and you can't take advantage of that. That's not okay because it leaves me feeling used. If we can both change I will do whatever I can to save this relationship. I love you Amoriatii and this relationship is a priority in my life. But if it's not good for my recovery I will have to let you go. That will break my heart, but I need to do what's best for me and I know you will support that.
xoxoxoxoxoxo,

J. Skittles 

Skittles: while I was in recovery

While I was in recovery for my depression, I wrote Amoriartii almost every day for the first two weeks. Mostly about how I was adjusting and any struggles I may have encountered. After that I got lazy and comfortable. There wasn't much to write that I hadn't said not already said. I thought about sharing all the letters with all of you, but like I said above, I am very lazy and I honestly don't think you would enjoy all of them. I am going to publish one tomorrow. It is probably the most important letter I wrote to them and I didn't have the courage to send it. Not in its entirety. 

I also wrote one letter to my boyfriend Cyborg. When he finally got it, he wanted to talk about it in person. However, I avoid things that make me uncomfortable, like the plague so I wanted to talk about it over the phone where I would be safe. He insists on having the conversation in person which just makes me not want to have it at all. So after the letter I may or may not share what transpires between Cyborg and I.

I know I haven’t been writing much not for lack of things happening, but for lack of words to say. I use this blog to process my life when I can’t do it in my mind. I’ve been getting better at internal processing things and I have a boyfriend who helps me externally talk thing out. This blog might undergo some changes after the presidential election. For fear not I will have a lot to say about the presidential debates. After that though I might need to make some adjustments.