Daily struggles

Having your brain not know what to do with itself becuase you forgot to take your anti depressants for the pass two days.  -_-  I feel gross and strange, kind of like an out-of-body thing.  Moral of the stroy: take your meds appropriately.  #lgbtqthearapy

Skit: pride fest 2016

This year I did not dance till my feet turned blue. I did not go out after. I did not stay the whole day.  I did not drink. I did not volunteer. I did not go both days.  Part of me feels like I didn't get the whole experience. Dancing until my feet are buried feels like it honors the people before me that marched until thier feet were bloody to get basic rights. Rights that we now take for granted and the pain reminds me this isn't a party it's a riot. I go out after to celebrate and eat and just to keep the feelings of camaraderie going.  I don't want to let go of that feeling of community. I didn't drink becuase I couldn't for unrelated reasons. I didn't volunteer becuase I didn't have the time this year. Working in DC and then traveling means I don't have the time for my Chicago projects. I do feel an emptines from doing it "wrong". I did see my friends I did bond with new friends. I still felt like I belonged  and suprisingly I felt safe. With my whole community around me I felt safe and comfortable. There was still a lot of sadness since it's only been a week after Orlando. However we were happy and dancing.  To be able to carry on showed me the resilience of each and every one of us has. A resilience I didn't know I had.  This weekend was not what it should have been but it was exactly what I needed.  I haven't been in a queer space not focused on Orlando since it happened and to get up and try to return to normal was a big step. I am going to try to do better next we at San Francisco pride but this was a good first step.

Daily struggles

The disrespectful things I would tweet when frustrated or sleepy is the reason why J skittles doesn't have a twitter. Like today it took my dad 40 minuets make a 15 minuet drive. It was also 1 in the morning so I was feeling my oats sitting there waiting like I'm the dam queen of England and Kate is late getting me from the airport. I had no nice words. 

Daily struggles

My Facebook is no longer filled with post about Orlando. I am so happy about it that I feel guilty.  The sadness comes in waves but I mostly feel guilty about avoiding it or not dealing with it.

Daily struggles

Having to remind my straight friends to check on their LGBTQ* friends. How can you mourn for Paris but not for your own fellow Americans.

Skit: emocional Orlando

I think I am just starting to grieve for my queer and QPOC family lost in the shooting. I frequent gay clubs and bars. I would say I attend 30 gay bars for every other type of bar I go to.  My siblings do too. Not to that extent but they come with me all the time.  My family could have lost all of its children in one night (all 8 of us). That's terrifying. I will not fall into the trap and blame religion. Religion didn't do this.  Homophobia, poor gun control, terrible gun laws, and a disasters mental health system did this. There have already been threats against LA pride which is happening next week. People are considering not attending pride and the festivals. We are afraid. People who are still in their parents homes aren't being aloud to attend. People worried about coming out are pushed that much farther back in to the closest/ library and can't mourn publicly for the community they are a part of. This shooting has affected way more than 103 people's lives. I find myself constantly reading the list of the dead as it gets updated fearing finding one of my friends on the list. I have already had friends find friends on the list and thier pain is unimaginable. I hurt with them.  Knowing I will never get a chance to meet a great person not for chance but because of hate. The world has gotten a little emptier and our hearts a little heavier. I will find ways to heal from this atrocity. I just hope my comunity finds away to stand up to fear and come togther for the rest of this month. That we stand together united for once and stay that way forever.

Skit: Orlando

Let's be very clear.  This was a hate crime. A person came into the club with a gun and just ended 50 lives becuase he hated the LGBTQ community. He injured and traumatized 53 plus people. He has broken families and hearts.  He has spread fear in a time that is suppose to be about camaraderie, celebration, and rememberance. This is not a broken community. He has not broken us. We are not so easily torn down. We will not stop being who we are becuase people are afriad of us and hate us. We  will take this month back as we have had to take everything we have ever had. This month is rightfully ours. Our rainbow will not yeild to hate or blood shed. Our pride will not yield to fear mongering. We will come together in the wake of this tragedy, the biggest mass shooting in our history ( out side of government sanctioned killings), and emerge that much stronger. We will return to our roots, of pride being a roit not a party. We will have to bring our love to fight the domestic terrorism. We will show the world Love really does win. It has and will continue to.