When you been working on your masculine walk so much you can't walk in a more feminine way anymore. :(
This is an unedited blog about my thoughts, my life, and my experiences living it. I leave it unedited so I can actually watch myself grow. It forces me to acknowledge my mistakes and learn from them. Feel free to leave comments
7/29/14
Daily struggles
7/27/14
Skit: queers take it to the beach
Today I am attending trans pride at our gay beach. I have long wonder about trans*ness and swim wear. Nothing is more outing then being mostly naked if your tans*. Or at least that is what I would assume, I could be way off course. However, I am a black queer swimmer. Now you can be black and swim or queer and swim but never have I ever met another aquatic QPOC. Also the homos I have met aren't out to their teams, not like I am with my team. I am on two teams a co-ed all ages black team, the other is my schools girl team. I came out first to the co-ed team telling my friends first then the team as a whole. I was worried that the parents wouldn't like having me in the locker room with their small children (my younger teammates) but they didn't care they asked if their kids asked questions what would I say. I said I would make age appropriate answers or tell them its none of their business. My girls team wasn't as supportive. They were sure that I had a creepy lesbo crush on all of them. They even stripped me of my captain title and duties my coaches in turn made me an assistant coach. They would not allow bigotry of any kind. So I have wondered if gender non conforming people have similar or more difficult struggles in sports? Why can't my fellow queermos swim with me?
Trans* pride has come and gone and you know the art of hiding or making it look like something is there is something my fellow Chicagoans who have choose to present that way have freaking mastered. I mean where are the gay beach and we all looked queer as folk. ( tee hee see what I did there). However, most people were super comfortable being in a swim suit out in public with strangers ( I was not one of those people at the beginning of the day). Even enough so to go nude at different point during the fest. I don't know if that's because we are all like minded people and supportive of others or lack of F***s to give. It was a super body positive day that could make even the most self conscious let go of their insecurities for just a minuet and enjoy themselves without worry or fear of judgment. I met some people and everyone was very nice polite asking for pronouns and preferred names and it wasn't weird at all. In social situations when is appropriate to know or be curious as to how a person identifies it is okay to ask. So it can be done, and there is no need to feel awkward about asking. But if you strangely uncomfortable about asking these questions then it probably isn't appropriate to ask because it really isn't any of your business. Ha! See how you have a built in mechanism called guilt to keep you from being insensitive. All in all good day, good people, and got to reunite with an old friend :) Yep Boss is back! If you don't know who boss is go back to my post about my queer committee days. I think when I moved for school Boss became my lesbian counterpart in New York. But its back to Boss because they no longer go to school in New York or identify as a lesbian. So watch out for extremely late stories about Boss and I.
7/24/14
Daily struggles
I hated 50 shades of Grey. In fact the only reason I read it was because one of my friends was doing a project on languages and needed something long for people to read while he recorded them. So he choose the Google play free book for the week which happened to be 50 shades of Grey. I have gotten through the entire book, but different chapters were read in different languages. The chapter were read to me in Norwegian, Arabic, Spanish, French, Hindi, Mandarin, and various forms of English. I had the translation so I could follow along as I filmed (woo hoo :/ ). However, I might want to see this movie.
7/23/14
Daily struggles
Life questions:
1. Would I give up a moment that unknowingly could make my career to go home and cook for my spouse
2. Would I be late to dinner dates, or forget things important to them to achieve my gaols.
3. Climbing that ladder versus loving the person of dreams.
7/22/14
Skit: because I have to clean out my facebook quote wall
Here is to being a more mature person on Facebook. Please enjoy stupid things I have said or herd over the years.
me "what time is it" light bright " umm my phone says it is Monday Jan 5 1980 2:04 pm" "oh ok not time for work yet...wait what" "i guess i am not here cuz i haven't been born yet" " me either" light bright looks at the phone reads it it say" i haven't even been made yet" me "yo phone is on crack" light bright "yeah but it is so funny though"
(Denise in very happy squee voice) "i got a whole make up kit for like $10" (me in very bored voice) "uhhu" (Denise like a kid on Christmas) "it is just...SO...MUCH...MAKE UP!!!!!" (me in still very bored voice) "uhhu" somewhere in Germany Bill says "tom guess what i just got a make up kit for less than €8" (tom in very bored voice) "uhhu" ( Bill like a kid on Christmas) "it is just...SO...MUCH...MAKE UP!!!!!" (i think to myself not knowing that tom is thinking the same thing is there anyone else who think this is so boring)
me and a chemist where unknowingly doing an experiment and she was like "this is an experiment done well i am telling you at first it was the picture was not showing up unless somebody is dumb deaf and blind" and i looked at her like well maybe you....
i would right all the quotes i have form the school year on here but some things are better left inside the school grounds lol
"it is easier than shaking down a leprechaun" geco
Jamie to jimmy about joining an all girl team "Don't worry, we can hide it"
little kid to pastor " when God says go forth be fruitful and multiply did he mean everyone" Pastor "yes" child "everyone one? even that ulgy muther fecker over there?" pastor "yes" child "the Bible says we are all created in God's image are you sure?" Pastor "yes" child "even that ugly guy over there" pastor "yes" child "oh Jesus our father isn't good looking" pastor lays hands on child shakes head and walks away.
"we don't have a pool we all go to school that is what she said
that what your mom said
your mom
sam and her tiny space bubble
sam please***** people in there sleep
i don't think it can go any closer
that is like your 17th that's what she said but they where all banging
in my pants
i thought you could use a hello from the toe fairy"
my team is a bunch of creepers
M " if i could be rape proof from one person it would be Mr.Bean. anyone else would be okay by comparison
nils what are you doing under the table?
me: so if i squees nils underwater he would sink
Bre: yes
me : and if i expand nils under water he would float
Bre: yes
me: nils let me squeeze you under water
Mr. Lyons: ....... *shm*
"Wilson"
"NILS!"
" oh Bundit"
k "why were Africans shipped on boats to america?"
"Because they sure couldn't swim here."
i think all that has gone to your head
sam: no when we get together we are just slap happy
i am so glad i won't smell like chlorine anymore
sam: excuse me chlorine is my preferred fragrance
It is nice to have coaches that stand up for there team even when they don't want to
with extra extra bacon
we should play twister with butter
why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella... fo drizzle
you know you have made it when you are in the Payton brochure
you know you have made it as a high school when people measure success by getting in to the brochure
dinicorns and unisores
krips no bloods no kings no payton student yeah
Payton students we runnin' 900 deep
" i have hepatitis a,b,c, and l" "what?" lol
"when you 50 i will..." " i don't want to live till i 50 that old things start to sag I want to die at 11:59 the day before I turn 50" ( afraid to age and grow old Chicago gay teenager problems)
hey you want to hang out tomorrow; sorry I can't I have to go be gay; you have to go be gay TOMORROW?; yeah its the last Sunday in June
great ways to start of conversation late at night:
so, interesting fact...... i learned water bending - Beans
My grandmother used to tell me stories about the old days, a time of peace when the Avatar kept the balance the Chicago . But that all changed when the water tribe was like fuck you guys
(after a week of thunder storms)
there are many people i would totally rape-MG
I will rape you, I won't enjoy it, but I'll do it anyway.-MG
I will poke you. I will poke you so hard- MG
"I'm out this joint in 6 weeks" "congratulations. yeah I still have a freakin' life sentence. that bitch just won't die" - teenage girls talking about their moms
Let's go awhoring
-me
" I like tapping the tail piece... it really like the sound it makes when i do it" MG
Me-Joe came out white
Joe- wait so I could have been Michaels Jackson in reverse
thunder snow... Sounds like a stripper name if I was a stripper that would be my name
Quotes from a play about meth:
Lifetime; Tv for gay meth heads coming down
Its important to take a minute when making decisions about a new source for my crystal meth and I ask myself is this the way my spirit wind wants me to go.
Now its time to play what's my Meth everyone's favorite family game show about crystal Meth
First round I am going to ask you three questions and you buzz when you think you have the answer. First question it is three in the afternoon and there are voices from the toaster saying go out side and have more sex what do you do?
Contestant number one? Go out side and have more sex!. No, I'm sorry the answer is take apart the toaster and figure out where the voices are coming from (if you got that you probably have a meth addiction)
Second question. Why are these bees in my teeth?
"Rose are red
True love is rare
Booty Booty Booty
Rockin' everywhere"
-Boss's current lover
First step is to kiss someone's hand. Second step is to suck their dick
-Boss's current lover
CAH Haikus
explosions
a vagina that leads to another dimension
SCIENCE!
Barack Obama
doing nothing meaning full to solve the worlds problem
Bitch slap.
7/18/14
Daily struggles
*Slightly tipsy in France
*Operating in a binary system
I think that many bisexuals know deep down which gender they are going to end up with. However, in the mean they still enjoy both. It is a very few percent of us who have no clue. Even though I most defiantly have a preference I still don't know. Here is to two times the heart break. At least that means I feel the joys of love two times as much right?
7/15/14
Daily struggles
Traveling addition:
Having diarrhea and pooping in public bathrooms. But its a little better when you time it with the word Blow in Iggy Azalea's song Fancy
(Back story I am the queen)
Having your friend worrying about losing you because you don't speak french and might get lost on the way to their house. "Isn't losing the you, your majesty, punishable by death? You are the Queen."
Not getting deported from France.
Finding a Fuc**** Macaroon
Forgetting to eat a croissant before you leave
Being wasted in the customs line on your way home
Joking with French TSA ( and surprisingly not being thrown in french TSA jail)
7/14/14
Daily struggles
1: I was just wondering about you and wondering what your doing
2: I was thinkin' bout them thinkin' bout me... but it was just a dream
3: I don't want you simply to concede to my rightness but think about the issue at hand for yourself, I wish to challenge your mind so it may form its own conclusions on the matter.
7/13/14
Skit: Boston ps. I love you
Like I said my relationship with Amoriartii would be like no other. I could be more or less monogamous with them. But we like to play and I don't see them giving up playing with people anytime soon. I think it would work if we kept it open and allowed each other to be ourselves. But I'm possessive sometimes. Most of the time I could care less about sharing them, then there are those moments I would want Amoriartii all to myself. I think an interesting hierarchy would satisfy me. One where I am at the top and it is clear I am at the top would be fine. I feel like I wouldn't have any insecurities no matter who else I shared Amoriartii with. If at the end of the day they love me more than anyone else I'm happy. If I asked them to choose between me and another love and they picked me we'd be golden ( that is how I want them to feel). I want Amoriartii to happy and have options but not need everyone else. I think I could care less who they slept with or if we slept together or not or even if they liked someone else. As long as they love me. If we were to have some kind of long term relationship I think it would be a closed one. Amoriartii and I would have one or two other people who ideally lived with us loved us and satisfied our needs. In my head it looks like long term play partners who love us and each other. ( probably closer to the middle of the K scale and we'd probably have one of each "gender") We'd be a happy very queer family. I can see it I now I hold Amoriartii's hands while we watch a movie while our girlfriend lays her head in my lap and our boy friend rest his head on their shoulder. Only I could find person who makes me want to live this complex life. Did I mention our girlfriends married to our boyfriend. So they love each other more than they love Amoriartii and I but our girlfriend and boyfriend do still love us. Amoriartii and I would love each other more than we would love our girlfriend and boyfriend. And we all one or two kid(s) together. And have some dogs and a cat.
Stay fierce
J-Skittles
7/12/14
Skit: Boston
I went to Boston for a day to visit Amoriartii . The city is beautiful and I got to see the clock in one of my favorite LGBT movies The Four Faced Liar. In my short time I spent there, because I was literally there for a day, I learned more about them. Fell more in love with them but also bonded with them in meaningful friend kind of way. We ate, sang, danced, strutted, played, laughed, and just enjoyed each other presence. I learned that I could love them for the rest of my life but I would be content to be friends with them for the rest of my life. If we did become lovers it would be a love like no other. They like being in power and need someone who is willing to be submissive. Which many people are willing to be. Then in Amoriartii professional life they are met with similar dominance and they enjoy that challenge as well. But I bend my knee to no one. And even when it looks like I am being submissive if you watch closely you will see I am still in control of everything. Me and Amoriartii are equals in almost every way and I think that is something very new for them and that's why they enjoy having me around. We have to share because neither of us can really out do the other. I understand that if they were mine I would have to share them with someone else but honestly I don't mind. Amoriartii respects me in such a way that they would want me to like who ever they choose and want to share that person with me as well. I want to convey to you all exactly how perfect this trip was but words are escaping me. So I'm hopping JLO will do it a little better. Now don't get me wrong I don't wish they were my first love. I've done a lot of growing in the 6 years between Kimmy and now. I've learned so much about myself, my needs and what I want. The only thing that hasn't changed is I go from zero to 60 in 3.5. No stopping no breaks. I'm an all or nothing type of person. Some people fall in love then start to soar once they caught the flow and get a taste of the high. I instantly soar so when I actually start seeing the person I am already high and I just keep getting higher. So listen and understand the happy, chill feeling of the security love brings. Jennifer Lopez - First Love
Daily struggles
Drunk ADHD. Get none of the things done and everything is shinny or spinning. Ooooooo.
7/9/14
Daily struggles
Can't decide if the divine force of the universe are against me for delaying my trip 3 hours or if they are with me because my father brought me food and a milkshake while I waited.
7/6/14
Daily struggles
Dear Farmers of America,
I understand that corn, soybean, and like one other thing feeds the entire planet. If you plant those and just those then this is not about you, keep up the good work. If you plant other things that might end up in my produce section then I have some words for you. Why are my tomatoes 3 freakin' dollars each??? What is wrong with you people? Are we experiencing some kind of tomato shortage? Grow more tomatoes and less rutabaga, no one evens eats that. Grow more tasty things like tomatoes and lettuces and bell pepper and spinach. Less rutabaga, and brussel sprouts, and nasty gourds ( only grow tasty gourds). This should help end that shortage.
7/5/14
Skit: to move or not to move; a story about homophobia?
Lakeview/ Boystown is one of the nicest neighborhoods I'm allowed to just go wondering through in Chicago. It touches the lake and might extend as far west as Western. It starts at in my mind at Fullerton and goes all the way north to Montrose? ( defiantly pass Irving Park) Its soo nice. It is almost like living in a rich little suburb minus the backyards and lack of public transit. I walked pass a number of locally owned businesses and quaint little shops. A strip of it has a night life seen that some would say caters to all the Gays in the city. It has serval queer centers that do attempt to provide Chicago and the surrounding area with resources. It has a couple more community base centers. it has its own Ymca. I even herd it is big enough to take up its own ward (division of the city usually there are 3 or 4 neighborhoods per ward). The Pride Parade is hosted by Boystown every year. Lakeview more or less tolerates it. Every year thousands flock to this place on the last Sunday in June ( which is historically significant for reasons that escape me right now) The Parade people trash the place and a hand full of people get arrested even fewer actually see the inside of a court room. It is a nuisance and if I live there I would hate it too. It also keeps growing I don't think a hundred thousand people can fit along the tiny route. There have been talks of moving it to downtown Chicago where it will have the room it need and the attention of the entire city. I mean right now it is very easy not to know it is happening ( and I kind of like it that way). If it were to be down town it would have even more press, people who took any train would know because they would all be packed, and main parts of the city would be shut down. Nothing gets my attention like city wide traffic jams. As much as it needs to move to have space to grow, and no longer terrorizes the residents it need to stay where it is historically and culturally relevant. Boystown may be white washed and have several issues concerning gender but it is our town and our space. Everywhere else we face far worse forms of persecution. The parade feeds the neighborhood and supports our queer owned businesses. Its where our center that supplies resources to our community is, that's where the community should stay and spend its resources. Now whether the neighborhood is actually being homophobic is debatable. Its a neighborhood with families and young children. The people who attend the parade are less in PG. I wouldn't want my kids to see that so those particular weekends might be the weekends we spend at the different museums of the city. We will need to see this play out see what they say before we go around accusing people of bigotry.
J Skittles
7/1/14
Daily struggles
Sexism. I am discovering my true blue bleeding heart liberal friends are still male. They do not understand what is like at all to be female. #allofmyfriendsareidiots