Logos Ethos and Pathos

here's to closing the door on 2012. so this concludes my year in review post. i have a learned a lot about about myself while on this adventure. so much of me just wants to be like God did i really survive  some of me questions it because its like did i really want to? but i have honestly learned so much and lived so much. i am glad to say goodbye to this year but i am scared for the new one. i know i will wake up and nothing will really be any different unless i want it to be. but still the whole concept still is unnerving. but i lived and no one can say i didn't. This life this year was mine and i owned every moment of it. I was here and everything I've gone through this year, every experience was more than i thought it would be and just enough.  Someone say it a little better than me i hope you understand. 

A year in review: Pathos

I left this one for last because i find it the hardest to write about. I don't like emotions. I don't like talking about them or feeling them.  to be honest i had a rather tough year. i lost my wife, best friend, and lover in Feb  i never quite to the time to understand what she meant to me. or what she was suppose to mean. then i realize i have lost the focal point of my life. love has been the very allusive creature  that lights my life.  at the beginning of the year love was really calm and i didn't think i had it anymore. but boy did i have it and i didn't even know how well. so i spent most of the summer enjoying my "new found freedom". but i just don't hook up.  then i went off to college  let me tell you if you don't think choosing a school is emotionally conflicting you have never loved a school and had your parents hate it. i do truly one school i should have gone but oh well. the summer was probably the emotional high of the year. i had so much fun and i laughed til i cried. but i miss the beginning of the year. i met the some of the most amazing people at the beginning of the year how turned out to be one of the most hurtful people i met. I can say that just like the corrupt state i live in there are some corrupt people. and the fact the that there hurtful people in this world and that some of them will hurt me is discouraging. it makes me hard on the outside so that i can remain human on the inside. but the people i met at the end of this year at this school i hate. they remind me that humanity is not dead. that there are still good people in this world. who are loving and caring. they want to help me. that gives me hope that one day i will be able to find  people who don't require a wall. so this year in Pathos, i have loved lost hoped and loved some more. I have learned this year that yeah i need love, but that love doesn't have to come from someone else. i have said time and time again to love yourself and i think somewhere along the line i forgot that. so as an end of the year reminder i am not going to let all the pain make me cower in the face of happiness. instead i am going to take the pain and remind myself that i won't have hurt so bad unless i was happy in the first place. 

a year in rear-view: Ethos

I do have some trouble writing about this. Ethos is all about ethics and morals, thing i just don't possess. i have been developing my guts and instinct through. what is right or wrong has never really mattered to me. because it seems like very time we get close to an absolute right or wrong there an acception or a circumstance which the rule doesn't need to be fallowed. i don't take much stock in things are so transient and change with the social times. I am not one for change. I really don't like it at all though, i do fully understand that it is part of life. My year went through lots of changes this year. a fiance, 2 different loves, one lesbians counterpart, school, 5 jobs ( through all of the same position), 2 babys (not mine), 3 houses, and a gaggle of friends. i think it is the change that really defines my year. i lost 20 friends before the summer even started. before i walked a cross a stage. one of them was a guy i liked to call my husband. even through me and him where just friends i loved him. I loved him with all my heart and i could marry him and spend the rest of my life with him in a non romantic way. my gut told me i had been betrayed and it was long before i confirmed such as truth. its just things like that tell me that the world is a lawless place. there aren't really any ethics or morals that we all live by. we all like to pretend to fallow so unwritten code but really you take said code and modify it as needed. i just do mine a little bit differently. i am loyal to few people but that doesn't make me any less true to them. and i will stand by there side until i can't anymore. either because they hurt me, they left me,  i physically can't stand in which case i will sit, or they died. i make my decisions based on a hierarchy. and my friends are in the top 5. so i may not fallow the law of the land but my law is just as good. and i think my that standard that i have fallowed my rules. i haven't under cut any of my friends and my family and i are good. but i do wonder why people think that just morals and morals alone gets them a head on the nice list verse me. i have learned a lot this year about myself and the code i choose to live by. it makes me the person i am. and i am not feeling very inclined to change. so this year was ethically irreverent on the count that i lack what would fundamentally be called ethics. but it was another live by the code die by the code year. i did what i thought was right and i am glad about it. 
Stay Fierce yo

a year in rear-view: logos

I can honestly say I have learned a lot this year about logic. I for one am a very logical person. I do things that make sense. I say things because they are rational. The rest of the world isn't like that. I see things in black and white and I take how I view things and super impose them on the world.  Well fortunately, and unfortunately, the world isn't rational. That means two things: it isn't simple and just because that is the way that would make the most sense to do something doesn't mean it will be done that way. That also means we are colorful. Logos is a black and white subject. It is all the things that impeded our logic that make life worth living. So there was a lot of” oh, what the hell?" and” why the hell not" this year.  And my life is so much better for it. Sure I did a lot of stupid things but I regret nothing. I strive each year to say if this year was my last then I lived a full life. I have climbed my mountains and seen breath taking things. I have lain with beautiful women, (mind, body, and soul) and talked to men about important things (and I was herd). Logic is still the guiding force of my life but I am learning. Learning that there might be more out there and to people. Things I don't understand. But logic can't solve all problems so maybe I don't need to understand just flow. Understanding why the world spins only gets you so far. At some point you’re going to have to go out and live life yourself. Yeah I got my bumps and bruises and in retro spec I could have done things differently but I wouldn't have.  Every scar I have gotten or left on someone else this year tells a story. And I wouldn't want to rewrite history. Logic has given me the knowledge and the power to evaluate my choice and make the best ones so I know when I a making a U turn. Reasoning gives me the power to tell you why each choice was right or wrong and why one was more correct than the others. But it’s the faulty rational I love the most. Being able to rationalize that the choice I made was bad but was chosen for these reason thus maybe not as bad is what I really like. i made a lot of hard decisions and probably choose what nobody thought i would. however through it might not be evident to everyone around me there was a goal i wanted to reach. made the choice not logically but with the goal in mind. Logically I had a terrible year. But that's only because I choose to live in color and not on a black and white page. 

Stay fierce yo

skit: intro into to 2012 a series

My friend Blain inspired me to do this. He says that I inspired him to take 12 days one for each month and just reflect on his life and his year. all the things that happened and how he felt about them never really get processed  more like stored away to be dealt with later because life moves just too fast to give every little incident the proper attention it needs and requires. So he is making videos every day at the end of the day where he talks about his day and then the month and he tries to arrive at something meaning full to him at the end of this conversation that he has with himself. He says he got the Idea from some advice I gave another friend of mine. When her life was going out of whack and everything was falling apart I told her to take some time for her. Actually look and see where things started to go wrong. Reflect to find where you stopped living for you and started living for the world. Take a moment to think about how to begin to live for yourself again and what that means to you.  I told her take some me time. So when blain started his me time adventure I thought to myself what a great way to end the year. So I hope to take some me time starting tomorrow and finish up by New Year’s writing what I want for 2013 as the last one of the series. So there will be 5-2 post in this series. We are going to wing it and see. You all could try your own take on the reflecting exercise. Do it for your own reason and achieve your own goals with it. For me I am just trying to understand my actions of the year a little better, tie up loose ends really. For my friend who I didn’t name they are trying to get order, functionality, and control back into their life. While Blain simply seeks perspective.  So try it maybe you will like it
And as always Stay Fierce YO 

Happy/Merry what ever doesn't offend you.

Okay so I know I am a dirty fitly liar and I said I would do a holiday post. Honestly I was going to write one but then I got so distracted be the Santa tracker and my family. I just got back from college Christmas Eve. The day before Christmas was quite a day for me given the fact that I had so much to do before I had to catch a train and I was injured. I cracked my femur. No big deal. But it made it very difficult to pack and clean my apartment. I think I left me heat to high. Anyway, I celebrate Christmas and newton day and winter pagan holiday that has been overly commercialized. I am a very open minded person when it comes to my holidays that happen to fall annually on December 25th. So if you have any that I have left out let me know. But in the spirit of these holidays I do have something I have wanted to share. It is always said that the holidays are times for families to spend time together to grow and bond. However for many people in the Queer community it’s not like that. Actually far from it. Often the holidays for Queers is a time of lies and deceit or hate and resentment. For me its lies. My mother doesn't know she isn't actually the accepting type.  ( my mother was raised strictly catholic and for some pretty important reason I cannot piss her off) so while I am with her and my mother's side of the family I don't  "act" gay. So that means no rainbow bands. No gay friends, no gay Facebook, and no looking at women.  It’s a struggle sometimes. I guess I didn't realize how big a role my sexuality played in my everyday life until I couldn't be gay anymore. It just makes me feel like I am dead on the outside and that the real me is dying to get out. Dead on the outside and slowly suffocating on the inside. But I can't tell her. I would honestly rather be dead. My friends his parents know and so do his family. He is Trans and it isn't easy for him either. Knowing isn't always easier but you can't hide who you are at that point. He feels hated and rejected by people who are supposed to be his family. Growing up (when he was a she) she always herds "you can't pick your family and as long as they are abusing you, you might as well love them." and "they are your family you have to love them even if it’s from a far."  So I just don't think it’s fair that they don't see him as family anymore. Just cuz you change your sex doesn't mean you change your blood. Blood is blood and you can't change that. I think he deserves some understanding from these people. I think they should at least try, I am not saying accept him right away, that would be great but I get it takes time to adjust. I am not saying agree with his choices either. All I am saying is love him like he is family because he still is and try to understand him. Hear him out, that's all. He doesn't deserve hate from people who are supposed to love him unconditionally. If they want him to be hated trust I the outside world is doing a good job.  But he should be loved by his family anyway. So this holiday when you sit down with your family and you fight over the last slice of pie make sure that after you sock them a good one to get that piece pie they know you love them and accepted them for who they are. Even though they tried to steal your pie.  Cuz they are family and you can fight over pie. 

so i am sorry that this posted after christmas/ what ever else falls on this day. as you could imagine i was very busy but i still wanted to wish all of you happy holidays and i hope that i have time to do a year in review post before the year is over so be on the look out for that as well. STAY FIERCE YO

Skit: all night-ers, every night

a high, a crash, a low, then level out and repeat. Get high, try to get as high as the first rush. sometimes you succeed at a replicating the original high sometimes you don't. But each time you need to get a little bit higher, push it a little bit farther to get even close to the same effect. each time it takes just a little more and it doesn't even last like it did. there's always that crash and it seems that you fall harder and harder each time. falling faster then the day before, only to hit the concrete in the same spot, leaving yet another stain. or is it disdain. no that disdain is low. its not bad enough that you have to crash from the high but to land lower than you started. lower and lower each day. stair way to heaven, craters to hell. digging yourself a little lower with each impact. creating a physical whole that you have actually dug yourself into, you have the impact marks to prove it. it is a long bloody struggle back to the surface world. back to the beginning where all of this started. the slow brutal climb just to level out. you swear never again as you pieces yourself together. tell yourself you learned as you tend to the new wound your reminded by the old. you ask yourself why would a sane person do this. with all that you have left, with all that it took out of you just to be even again you vow that you will keep on this level plain. its not worth it. but before you even get the chance to utter another lie like " i'm going to get help" or " i'm quitting" your getting high again. and each hits a little bit worse than the last. each time you die a little more and lie a little less. you begin to realize your never going to quit.you don't even bother after a while to swear that it was the last time. you don't pick up all the pieces, you leave some scattered, i mean you'll be right back down there any way. you keep going through the cycle only living for the next high. always to high or low to even take a minuet to self reflect. i mean if you did, if you saw yourself would you even be able to stand it. can you stand it now, or do you need to get a little higher before you can deal with the facts. or will you just get so high that you won't even care, can't even care. let me tell you, you never thought you would be here in a million years. drugs, weed, alcohol, sex, money, lies, chocolate, shopping, sugar, work, it doesn't even have to be addictive any thing you can put and aholic. but you don't have a problem right? no not you. you have got it all under control you just need to take one more hit. it will be your 5th today but, look, whose counting? you know what your doing. and you will be doing it all day and all night. you know can't leave. just one more. you could get up the courage to break away, the motivation to change. but your just so tiered. just one more hit, to get the energy. you could form a plan and stick to it, really beat this time. but you can't think straight, you need one more just to ease your mind. and you do it just like you said you would. your so proud because its been one whole day. you knew you could throw it all away if you wanted to. you reward yourself just this one time with just one, but this a reward so why not two or three, soon its five or six. you have to start all over now. just can't shake it and you start the spiral. if you come live through the spiral, come back from the brink you will realize that you need to shake it quick fast and in a hurry. because its eating you alive. but if you spiral to hard and to fast. your dead. i guess that's just goes in the circle of addictions. 

my addiction

I guessed that this week of all weeks the least i could do for you all is post on time. so i made sure right something before hand. I wanted all of you to know that i appreciate all of you for putting up with me these past few months. i now the blog is suppose to be semi-educational, however i just haven't had much to share. this funk that i have been in since i started this whole mess of journey has take a toll on my writing and that is unfair to all of you. so bare with me a little longer because i promise i will have something worth while for all of you after the holiday post.speaking of the holidays  i made all of my friends holiday cookies and passive aggressive decorations (both of which they loved). I also decked my freaking halls. i mean my apartment looks great. i did a theme this year based off of the bell reef that is hanging on my door.  it is getting cold and i am looking forward to my annual trip south for the the winter break.  i am thinking any city that lies directly on the equator sounds good. and don't worry i will decorate one of the native trees for my christmas. just cuz i don't have snow ( don't want snow) doesn't mean i would have all the other fix-en's of this time. I am very excited to go back to the city through i am a little more than disappointed that i might not get to see some one in particular my travel plans and his just don't seem to match up so when he is returning from his winter vacation i will be leaving for mine. :( i really wanted to see him too. but i will get to all of my friends. i am most excited to see my friend i call my lesbian counterpart (we are just friends) i haven't seen her in a while and the girls in NYC keep her very busy so we don't get to talk much. it will be nice just to chill and catch up. i might do a little homo cocoa session just to catch up with whats been going on. you know " WHAT'S THE T". then i'll prob see the girls then hang with the boys. kick it with my sisters and then leave for my tip. its bout to get busy i'll let you know how things shake out.

Stay Fierce YO

a rose by any other name,

Is just as sweet, and thorns pierce just as deeply. My friends keep telling to talk about my emotions. that is is part of staying mentally healthily is talking your feelings  and acknowledging their existence.  my friends are a bunch of wanna be psych majors. but i just don't think if feelings in turns of words and sentence. i feel color and see my emotions like a painting on a wall. they are full of vivid descriptions that can only be narrated by the brush strokes and contour lines. each color and how it is portrayed is just as important as your words and the tones you use to say them. i can't talk about my feelings because my sad isn't a word its more of a very dismal abstract portrayal  of a swimming pool. its full of dark silver gray over tones with pale light teal undertones.  much like a voice is full of sorrow and pain when sad, but has light hints of peace and  tranquility, foreshadowing the times to come. i can't talk about my feelings because i don't feel them i see them. i can't show you how a feel because you won't understand the painting the way i do. you won't understand the artistry of it. people often talk about their feelings but that is not the only way to communicate them. I understand my feelings in terms of colors but tell other people about them with music. music speaks to people in a language all its own invoking feelings and thought that words never could. even through speech is one of our main forms of communication i would say it is one of the ones that conveys the least amount of information. music or performance, the arts in general give humans a personal understating of another human being .that would normal take a life time of interaction to get. a photo with a title conveys so much more than a conversation with the photographer. then if i was to try you how the photograph made me feel instead of showing you the picture or telling you i could simply let you hear the feelings. a section of a piece or the chorus of a song to show you how i feel. i could tell you with a thousands words with out saying one using a song. songs are as unique as the emotions that they represent meaning that no two songs feel the exact same. they could be similar or even close but there are differences just like feelings. i could paint you a picture and sing you a song but i can not talk about my feelings the same way and have them mean the same thing. words do not comprehend the how small you feel next to a mountain until you are staring up at one. but i can show you what it looked likes and play for you what that feels like and maybe if things aren't lost in translation the rose will come out just as sweet. 

i am going into the end of my first semester and things are getting busy. i have found that i am throwing myself into my work more. probably because of things that have happened with Etsy. I told him i liked him even through i said i wouldn't. but honestly it was necessary, i was going crazy unable to think about anything else.   so i told him and now as to avoid thinking about what he is going to say back i am over working and not sleeping. the not sleeping is just a product of wanting to be so productive and not being that productive. the over working is a ploy to distract myself. its not like there is a lack of things for me to do. the more energy i have the more the work the world seems to want to give me. thus for now i am working and not painting. not running not swimming not writing just working. i do plan on dealing with all these social non academic things later but as i said right now it is finials week and school life kinda taking presidents here.  by the way i am sorry i am so late and that i disabled the page for a few days. my friend who i am now dating, not esty, is also a blogger and i didn't want him to know i was a blogger. so i had to be quite for a while. 

stay fierce yo