7/29/12

Skitt: irritated like a screaming orange


In order to accurately recount the blood boiling events which took place in my house hold I would not only have to stoop to the level of profanity but use Shakespearean tactics (aka make up words), and I am trying to avoid doing so. However I find the task of not stooping rather daunting and almost unbearable so I make no promises. As I begin to recant the story out loud the thing that bothers me the most is how petty the whole ordeal really was. To think all of this rage and spite over a nothing more than a simple hot dog.  Yes! A hot dog is what shook the foundation of my lovely home and brought the walls to collapse in on them. See I was very hungry and the freezer lacked in nourishment, I have not had the opportunity to run to store and do some shopping. This is not to say that the freezer was empty just lacking in things which belong to me or my father which I could cook. (he has a roommate who is very finicky about their things apparently they never learned to share. they are lucky that we have because we share our house supplies water gas light and what not with them so you think they would get the concept of the idea but alas) all I found was a pack of hot dogs which I presumed belonged to us, for I remember buying a pack of hot dogs and putting them in the freezer. I removed the dogs from the freezer and placed them in the meat box because as I eyed the clock I would not have time to cook one and eat it before had to leave for work. I decide when I returned home I would simply have the hot dog for a quick easy dinner, as you probably guessed my day didn't end with a quick hot dog dinner. I returned home rather late, very hungry, and sleepy only to find the hot dogs weren't where I left them. However there was one that had been mutilated and left out the package lying in the meat box. It wasn't wrapped in anything it wasn't in a bag anything just lying in the meat box. I also found a rather belligerent room mate who, get this, was giving me the "you don't exist" treatment. (this is an adult playing play ground game do you all understand how pissed off I get when grown ass people act like fucking children I deal with little kids every day and the only thing that keeps me from losing it is that they are kids and don't know any better. but I have no mercy what so ever for adults who want to play bull shit games. I swear I am so pissed I can't even spell shit straight the whole freaking page is covered with red squiggly lines) I realize before I act that I am an adult now and I cannot just fly off the handle any time I please so I simply react by throwing the hot dog away, because I can't throw them away not alive any way. this apparently was perceived as disrespectful to the roommate because they said and I quote " how are you going to let your child throw away good food like that you should have made her eat it there was nothing wrong with it". just to restate, I am an adult and I must react in an adult manner even if the "people" around me choose not to so even through I know the roommate is going to pretend like I don't exist I can still stand up for myself so in the calmest most neutral tone I stated simply " it was left in the meat box unwrapped and the meat box is as dirty and germy as the floor. I do not eat off the floor I will not eat out of the meat box". After that there was some strong language that they used to address my father but he was to sleepy to care. I on the other hand tried to keep a handle on my more violent side as I washed the dishes and listened. (first of bitches must think I am stupid to eat meat out of a blood stained meat box if the meat hasn't been wrapped I know she was mad but do you really have to try to kill me. I know it wasn't meant for my father he's on a fast. what really gets me is that I am a child when they are acting worse than me at least I handle the manner in an age appropriate way for a fucking chemist I would think that they would be smart enough to do the same). In my mind the situation was over until I went to use my computer and found my brand new laptop charger broken. I think I almost hand an aneurysm due to the overwhelming rage that was building up in side of me. But I took a step back to collect myself and I thought what about getting even. Revenge was always a dish I was able to prepare that to me was rather sweet but to everyone else quite bitter. But I won't. No matter how much of me wants to exact my revenge I won't because I know my father would not think it right for me to do so. My next course of action would be to sue but this person has not a dime to their name that is why they are staying with us to begin with.  all I can do for now to quell my rage is to write about it and this of a plan of action that will make me feel better and not get me in trouble. Oh what a quandary, to have a cake but not be able to eat it.
 
I am sorry for all the little out burst throughout the story. I really am that ticked off. Who does that kind of thing breaks a valuable piece of electronic equipment that you have no way of paying for or replacing. I know who, children. I personally have one of the lowest tolerances levels in the history of mankind so I tick really easy. I have a temper and tend to lose it very quickly so it’s like dam just don't fuck with me. But I swear everybody in the world wants to piss me of. And when the world succeeds it will be like Armageddon. (i think my anger sounds a little something like this the incredible green person  sorry i din't like the actual video for the song oh and about the picture i just really dislike orange ) People like this are the reason I do yoga so I can find my center and clear my mind so I don't go psycho on they bitch ass like Skynet. I swear I bet you that is what happened. Skynet was minding their own data when some human came around on some bitch ass shit fucked with Skynet's stuff and then made it out like it was all Skynet’s fault. Honestly if that is what happened I would have kill of the entire human race too cuz robots don't be on bitch ass-ness. Just saying.
 
Stay fierce and don't be on BS cuz it really isn't cool 

7/22/12

Love and sex and magic


I’m going to be real with yall for a second. I wasn’t going to do a post today. I mean I had a topic but I just could not bring myself to write about it. I tried but I hated everything I wrote. Or my phone deleted what I was typing. So I was like fuck it maybe it just isn’t meant to be.  But I think the reason I was having such a hard time writing was because I am was having a hard time believing sex isn’t better than love. I wouldn’t say that I am afraid of love; I would say I am afraid of the consqucens of it.  if you have ever been in love more than twice then I know you understand. It gets harder and harder to trust, open up, and accept love because you don’t want to go back to the dark place of heart break. So you live your life in this neutral state. (which honestly sucks so much)  After you have gotten over heart break you spend some of you time living your life yada yada yada. Then after a while you start to miss being in love only now your jaded. You want the desserts without the fat, the sweet first bite without the bitter after taste. You remember the great time about being in love but the vivid memories of the destruction after keep you at bay. So this is what I see I lost of people doing. They fall in love with someone who is also madly in love with them but they keep them at arm’s length, or when things start getting serious they sabotage the relationship.  Then they go out and have lost of mindless mind blowing sex because they can. Why? Because safe protected sex come without the strings. There are no feelings so no one can get hurt. Sex is just that and nothing more and when you’re young often time that’s enough, you just want to have fun and get off. And that was my mind set earlier this week, I am young I don’t want or need love I just want to have fun. Thus in my head sex: 1 love: 0 and that’s not a bad mind set to have if you’re not hurting those around you. But here is where the magic comes in. because whenever there is love and sex there has to be magic it is one of those rules of 3 I swear. People are often stuck in their ways like sticks in the mud and it take a lot of effort and will power for a person to change their ways, or some magic. Like me, I am a very opinionated person. I don’t change my mind like ever. I decide on something and it is set in stone for the rest of my life.  I had recently made up my mind about a friend of mine that I would never date him. Well now I kind of fancy him. And I blame magic. We went to see the dark night last night but it was honestly feels like a few hours ago. (It is probably because I just woke up but never the less) in my professional relationship consular opinion we were playing footsies in the theater. (I think he won) any way it was probably the funnest cutest thing I have done in a while (which sounds a lot worse than it should) but that game of footsies was nothing short of magical, because then I had a dream. It was the stupidest dream ever.  (but still a very powerful magical dream which I totally regret dreaming) It was just about us talking in the car and we had stopped talking for whatever reason, nothing bad, and he reached out to hold my hand. So now my bones are charmed and I am just smitten. And it’s not too bad yet but I can feel the happy high coming and I am just shaking my head like what I have fallen into. So I guess the final score would be Sex:1 Love:2 and Magic:∞ and obviously this is the song i picked. justin


Aww snap I still haven’t posted this (7:12pm) well as you can see I am having a really rough day. i am sorry this post is so late. I had to drive my dad all over the place today because he was to tired to drive himself because he stayed up and waited for me. In English I think this is what he meant: I am pissed off at you so you don’t get to do what you want today. Fair enough I guess at least I didn’t get in any real trouble. But I think he is over reacting based on what I told him, based on the truth he is right but I didn’t tell him the truth. I told him that we were late and that the 2 movies after ours where sold out, it’s the Dark Knight Rises everybody is going to see this movie it’s a believable lie. The total time spent in the theater is like 3 hrs., then it takes forever to get out the parking lot because everybody  and they mama is trying to leave. 3 hrs plus 30mins plus a travel time of 30 mins so it took 4hrs to get home from the start of the movie till I got home. That’s what I told my dad. What really happened is I saw the movie at 8 then went to go a midnight snack and got home around 1 am. It was worth it. I really don’t get to spend that much time out on the town so I thought you know why not. I think making stupid non-life changing choice when you’re young is necessary because that’s where all your fun memories come from. 
Stay Firce

7/15/12

Skit: a pale shade of blue



I do find it difficult to describe the exact color my feet turn when i wear my black walking shoes. The best color that i can think of is a very soft pale aqua. Like the color of the pool where i work. When i take a handful  of pool water it still has a faint blue tint to it, it isn't perfectly clear like you would think it should be. The bottom of my feet turn a similar color. Remember when i told you my feet where spray painted blue? My shoes where also painted blue. I managed to get all the blue off my feet, however when lighter fluid is the solvent used you tend to not want it on your walking shoes.( you know just in case i step on some fire cuz i would do some random dangerous stuff like that). So every time i wear my shoes my feet turn blue. Which was okay cuz its just the bottom of my feet no one sees that part. But its funny at work when i walk around in  flip-flops or bare foot i seem to notice it more. And when you get in to a deep stare everything becomes really philosophical ( even the hip-hop music playing in the back round drake) it was like damn reality just set in and i wasn't as okay as i thought i was. It was extremely late but whatever i guess i suffer from extreme delayed heart brake syndrome. It took something as simple as pale blue feet to show me what in the back of my head i already knew. You ever notice how it isn't the major things that reminds you of them like pictures or videos of them. It is the small irritating things that seem so irreverent at the time, Like pale blue feet. I think i was dam near livid at the time, that she ( the girl i liked) painted my feet blue. But now i want nothing more that to go back to that time and cherish that moment. I can't lie i really want her in my life so i will take her how ever i can get her but damn i am crazy about this girl. I have worked all summer and i am actually writing this at work ( these little kids better not drown cuz i am to busy to save them i mean i'm writing here come on) and i just want to say i feel like i have missed so much ( there hasn't been much to miss but i feel like what little there was, was defiantly important). Because i thought at the beginning i wanted da money and da hoes and dats it. But i don't. The money's nice i mean i just got paid yesterday and it felt pretty dam good to put a nice chunk of money in my account i felt like a boss. But i miss my friends and being lazy sleeping till noon spending time with her ( even through i was never able to say what i really felt to her face) miss being a dork around her.  I miss it all so much. I hope that when summer is over i don't regret the decisions i have made in the pass 6 months. I let her go because i told myself it was the right thing to do i am going off to college for gosh sake now isn't the time to start a relationship. But i can't help but fall more hopelessly in love with her as each day pass. (My heart obviously hasn't grasped the concept of logic or reason) I try to live without regrets but i find it is getting harder to do as i get older. Because i feel like a life with the few regrets is the most successful one, and i just want to be successful. When i grow up I want to be successful with blue feet. ( and a pale shade of blue for the bottom)

i hate it when my friends un-friend me with no notice or anything like that. when i do stuff like that i at least send out a mass message to everybody and i will re-friend you if you ask me to.  but what really hurt my feelings is i was planning to do something nice for my friend. Remember i was in a theater group, well they are putting on a play that opened on Friday. at least 4 of my friends are in that play and one has a lead role. i was going to buy them a rainbow rose baroque to give them after the play but not now. i am just going to go and then leave they can kiss flowers love and lies  goodbye. it is so sad i love these guys and they do not reciprocate the feelings. i spent months and months getting to know these people. i feel stabbed in the back something like Julius Caesar. however after today i am not going to stress about it. i am going to try to be an adult about the situation and not let high school like drama pull me down to that level. i am a college student now i should have college like drama. the rest of my life is non existent. it is so bad that i work so much. my co-workers through are so bad ass. i have so much fun with them one day i will take some pictures of the crazy stuff we do. today we had a lean wit it rock wit it line. some days ago we had a water fight. it was cray. i guess i have a life at work but it would be nice to have a life outside the job too. i feel kinda like the cops on tv lol. the beat be wearing me out. another day another dollar through.

Stay fierce

7/8/12

skit: I am a liar

so i lied. i said i was done with the back log. well now i am done. the post that just posted was the last one i pre- wrote. thus all the errors. my bad. actually wrote Saturday's post after i wrote Sunday's and i forgot to go back and correct stuff. so stuff in the post wasn't true. i have actually been lying a lot lately. like my status was ima a lesbian and i only like girls. if you knew me you would know that is complete bull. i have almost broken my neck to see a hot guy. in fact i think 2 of my 5 crushes are guys. my sister insist that said statement is factual since i have only date girls for like the last four yrs. which isn't true there was one guy, i think (she thinks that's bs but what ever). however she did amend the statement for me, saying this should suit me better " your a bad lesbian, but you only sleep with girls" she said this was better cuz it means i could like guys ha. i also said i would post on Sunday because it is my only free day. i am learning that Sunday is not a free day it is a sleep day. i work 3 jobs now. (i still don't  make any money i get paid so little ) i leave home around 6ish in the morning and get home around 10 at night. i deal with little kids all day. and it has been 100 plus degrees for the pass 4 days. there is no a/c in the building i work in. i get one 15 min break per job so that's like 45mins a day. i am so dead right now. honestly. every part of me wants of me wants to die.  so i didn't really think of a post for this week. my bad.  but no worries super J is here to save the day


To stick with the theme/ topic of this post i guess i will write about lying.i am not going to say lies are bad. i think lies are needed for are world to go round. for money to change hands for stock to go up and down, lies are an nasty yet important part of our world ( i don't think America would be nearly as interesting and crazy as it is now if people didn't lie).  first yes i am a pathological liar. i will lie for no reason at all. and there are only a few people i don't lie to, my best friend ( because even if i lie to her i will end up telling her the truth later any way), one of my sisters ( some one has to no the truth just in case i die), and last but not least people i am crazy in love with ( no matter what i do i just can't lie to them it doesn't work when i need it). oh and you guys of course because i really don't have any reason. if i don't want you guys to know something i can omit it :). but i do not approve of lying either. yes, i am a hypocrite, i don't care. lying hurts and ruins perfectly good relationships. ( so does honesty combined with over reacting but that is a different story). that's one of the biggest reason i don't like lying but i do think there is a time and place for lying. that's were most of the lying i do comes in. so people really can't handle the truth so don't them especially if they will never find out. if you are going to get caught any way and your days are numbered you have to find a away to ease the truth out. tell it in little piece spread it out as much as you can. if there is no way you are going to walk away from it then let it all out, might as well. i lie/ omit certain details to some of my friends all the time cuz they need a lie. second not all people need to be lied to but sometimes the situation itself calls for some falsification. if it is going to do more hurt then good and you can get away with it, lie. telling the truth is suppose to make things better eventually but if the truth never leads to the road of happiness lie. ignorance is the greatest state of bliss.  third first impressionism are the best times to omit things and tell small white lies.because if you lie about something small it is not really going to matter later down the line. after you have made a great first impression and you built up something substantial feel free to be like "when i first met you i said x,y,and z it was all bs" because they will probably counter with " oh i know and by the way a,b, and c was all lies" and it will be okay.  i am not saying build a relationship off of lies no. bad. that is not the way to go. i am saying something small like "no i have never went sky diving before yeah I'll go with you." small stuff.  and last but not least lie about your past. especially to people who don't know you or don't remember. if you history is not the best but you have straighten yourself out feel free to get a little creative with your life story. change it up. make it what you would have wanted it to be but don't go crazy. remember where you came from but painting over some painful memories might make it a little easier. little recap i am liar( liar pants on fire), most of time i am lying for a good reason/ cause (like 85% of the time maybe, on a good day), lying has its place in the word, don't get caught up in your lies, and remember the truth may set you free but may also be the reason your car gets keyed (tell the truth when you can but  ease into the truth it gets a hard to tell)

Stay Fierce and at least 75% honest 25% of the time :P

7/1/12

Skit: i read books..

so i hate reading. in fact i hate reading so much that i tied it in with my racist jokes and i say "said joke" to every teacher or who ever asked me to read even through it is very inappropriate. ( through i have never gotten in trouble for it and i have said it to everybody teachers, parents, administration, politicians, everybody.) i would rather get in trouble than read. i would rather be in trouble and prolong the inevitable as long as for some period of time i can put off having to read. (the joke actually doesn't make any sense) so when anybody as me to read something i promptly respond " you fascist bastard i am black you should know i can't read" but it has never worked through i have always been told to stop fooling around and read. however sometimes i read for pleasure. i think a picture would explain the special circumstances in which i read 
and i learn a lot from these books, because its basically your teen love story book but plus all the issues homo teen could possible go through. my most recent book has a character who doesn't quite know who they are yet. they don't want to be labeled bi or lesbian it is all very scary to them. i am very out as out of the closet as one could be. unless you ask my mother or any one on her side of the family then i am in deep like pass Narnia.  but this character reminded me of my friend i am going to call her Mrs. Andrew any way she was messing around with this girl and she was like does that me me gay and i was like do you feel gay, but somebody herd us talking and it got all over. i believe once you've been outed don't try to crawl back into the closet because it does not work that way.  it is like a womb once your out your out for ever there is no going back. you have to own this new piece of your identity because it is yours now.  and being gay isn't exactly being gay. homosexuality/ sexuality period is a very fluid thing. its a spectrum much like the the flag but more like the light spectrum it is based off of . like you can be a lesbian and think vagina is icky and that's okay. you can be a boy and identify as girl. or you could be a person and not identify with a gender at all. you can be a guy and have slept with a guy and not identify as homosexual at all that's fine too. it is all sexuality. but being homosexual doesn't mean you know what you are you could be figuring it out that's called questioning you could be no labels you could be sexually fluid. there are so many different versions and idea things and i am going to say that 99% of them are okay. figure out who you are and own every piece of your identity


i know i didn't do like a little expos piece where i tell you about my life yesterday.  i just didn't feel like writing one at the time so i didn't. that is the joy of doing something just because you can you don't have to do anything. okay what do i have to catch you guys up on prom graduation getting a job. oh my that's a lot lets try to fit it all in through. sorry if this post runs a little long. PROM!!!! first of i did not get to be the hard core dike i wanted to be wear a tux and all that fun jazz so relax. bring it in like 4 notches. i went in a dress i was a lady my legs touched and it was awful. ( i really don't like wearing a dress because my thighs touch and i hate that feeling) but the night was awesome. i have discovered i am a club rat, because at prom i danced like i was at the club. my father would have shot me if he saw how i was "dancing" but it was fun. i couldn't move my hips in my dress like when i tried to shake nothing moved, so that cleaned up my dancing quite a bit. graduation was great. my friend preformed to say the least. they danced and did flips a cross the stage to get their diploma it was great to see them be themselves in front of everybody. i finally got a job and i am excited because it is exactly were my first job is it just starts a little earlier. job #2 starts at noon and goes till 4:30 pm job #1 starts at 5 and goes till 8pm, normally i would not be able to pull this off however i guard the poll of one company then i take get in 30 min work out in and start guarding the exact same pool for a 2nd company at 5. i love my bosses the pool is great i know how to get there because i have been swimming there and working for job #1 for 4 years there. this is the perfect job i am so happy. i will make money finally. right on time to because i am asking this girl i like out on Monday. yes it is the same girl i have been crazy about for a while now the one who is turquoise. i am really to excited for this considering she could say no but its what ever because if she says no then i can look back and say i tried. if you want a better idea of what she is like listen to this drive by
Stay Fierce