emergency post, not really but got love the mellow dramatics

Hey Hey, so i know i said i would post once a week and didn't post at all two weeks ago did a make a post last week and now two post this week ( "come on skittles give us some consistency" said all the imaginary people who read this blog. just kidding i know there are people out there who are  there reading this and you all do exist i promise) i am sorry sometimes my life is kind of boring. i mean it is boring all the time with out the details like: i went from point A to point B and things happened along the way but after the 9 month i got to point B the end but if i add detail i started school in September  went all the way to June. man did stuff go down but it also went up and i made it after nine months to June. see so much more interesting and the more details the more interesting. well today my life was interesting and that is what i wanted to talk about. i am in a relationship of sorts ( if you want to know what sorts you will have to leave a comment and ask me to blog about it cuz i really don't think my relationship will interest you guys but if you want to know i will tell) and Valentine's day is coming up. our favorite hallmark holiday of the year and a excuse for me to brake my diet. yeah! any way there is a LGBT valentine's day dance in one of the suburbs around my city and i wanted to go. problem there is an age limit on the dance ( dang man/ woman/ person/ keeping me down raise fist and shakes).  i am on this committee and the entire committee is going except me and a very pretty girl we call Nat. any way, my girl friend said i should go with Nat since neither of us have dates to this dance. but i know my girl friend says on thing and sometimes means another thing. so i don't know if i am in the clear to go with my friend or if it is one of those "i dare you to go with that hussy and i will kill you"  things. i don't know what to do. i could ask her but she would give me the same answer with a "don't worry about it bay i love you".  so confuse. so help a sister out before Friday because if i got that is when i need to ask Nat.

" she siad two post this week but there is only one. she can't count. hahahaha." people who read this blog. i assure you i can count just not well. i can not spell but i can count to... (looks at hand and counts fingers hmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm) 10! there will be a follow up post on Saturday or Friday deepening on if i ask her and what she say. that will make two post. if it is a short fallow up i will split the post half on the fallow and the other half on what i was actually going to write about this week.  so be on the look out. if i go to the dance well then there will be a third fallow blog on the 15 and you will be some lucky people. i switched font . i got bored with the old so i wanted to some new so along with the color i will play around wit the font till i find something i like or that you guys like. sorry about the weird line^ i did something strange where i was writing it and it glitched. 

Daugherty + "Breath" = story of my life ( in the winter)

so it was really cold and misty and foggy today. but no snow so i am not complaining about the weather.  it is just one of those winter days that remind me how much i hate this season. so in efforts not to swing back in to a relapse ( keep reading i will explain) i decide to listen to Pandora. and i swear i don't know why i have friends when Pandora know how i feel and knows whether to cheer me up or give some tough love.  but you know when it come to Kimmi i don't want tough love. back story: Kimmi was the first girl i feel in love with. she was m first female crush. my first mentor my first high school friend. ( i didn't go to my community high school i left my town and went to the city for school) so long story short i loved her ( had a huge fight that ruined whatever kind of relationship we had)  then i hated that i love then i hated her then i got over her ( i saw her while i was walking downtown after 2yrs of not speaking) then i realized i still loved her then i was screwed. present day Kimmi is a very touchy subject for me. not even my best friend is a loud to talk about her. not even my gf. i mean they both know and i tell the longer version of the story to friend all the time but i don't take advice on her. but i will talk about her with you guys. but back to what i was saying in the beginning. i was a truly miserable day. and it was days like this in January when it is never warmer then 5 degrees that kimmi liked to walk around the city and discover beauty in all of it horridness and corruption. we would go all over the city looking for lack of ppl and uniqueness we found bakeries and shops and parks. these days seems just as good as sometimes even better than the blue sky days spent staring at the sky talking to her on the phone so i decide i am slipping and i turned on my Pandora hoping it would be my savior no such luck Pandora was in a tough love mood and greeted with Daugherty " Life after You"  "Its Not Over"  "Crashed" " Learn my Lesson" then it decide to fallow up with some sad songs from her fav bands. ( don't ask me why i still know they are her favorite). so i here i am the sad little puppy right . sitting here feeling rejected on a 45 min train ride home with nothing to do. so my mind does what it does best day dreams/ remembers ( now only if i could get it to remember important stuff like keys or where i parked the car).  and i have nobody to share it with but you guys. i mean in short all the daydreams where about how stuff never seems so bad when i was with her. like rain meant we got to share and umbrella. snow meant we got to cuddle for warmth. heat meant we got ice-cream!!! i wish i could say i don't love her but i do. but i would never tell her that even if we did talk. it always just comes back to how i wish i would have told her i loved her. even thought i was sure she knew. i just wish i would have said it out loud to her just once. and maybe she would have said it back. and winter wouldn't seems so bitterly cold like it does now. i guess winter just isn't my season.

i decide to write a longer more personal post for my make up post for you guys. that way it is a change for the monotony. give you guys a peak in to a ongoing struggle/ chapter of my.  feel free to leave comments on the blogs by the way i would love to hear form you people ( trying to use gender neutral pronouns) if you leave me a topic i will blog about it. or if you as me a question i will answer it in my next blog post. i would like to talk to y'all here from you. so leave comments :) even if it is completely unrelated. i don't bite most of the time. ;) lol oh btw the reason the story is in green is cuz it was Kimmi's fav color

my brother is gay.... and that is okay ...... maybe.... not really... but one day it will be.... hopefully

okay so again I am Bi. and I have a little brother. he is 12 and i love him so much but you know i would never tell him that. anyway, i know he looks up to me and idolizes everything i do. for example i like science he likes science i swim he swims i started to dive so did he. so i mean i started to worry when he started to act stereo typically gay. 1 i feel bad that he is treating it like a fad cuz it is not. 2 i am sad that all he knows about the queer community is what he sees on tv. but then the more i watch him and talk to him the more it seems like he really wants to be gay. and i know so many of you are going to hate me but i want my brother to be a manly man. i mean i love my gay guy friend they are super awesome and fierce. but i know how hard it is for me to be queer and i am a girl and it is even harder for black males to be gay. i don't know if it is my protective  instinct or how i idealizes a brother i just don't want that for him. i mean i would't love him any less if he was gay but i would be disappointed. and i feel so bad that i feel like this but i am not going to lie about my feelings i can only work to change them. so i really don't know what to do. i mean should i try to influence him or let him make his own choices.


i am so sorry for not posting last week so i will post again tomorrow. i had finals this week so i spent all last week trying to not to fail AP Calc :(  it didn't help. but everything else school wise is good. its just senior yr for me so i am super busy but you guys don't want to hear school you just want to hear about my life. but unfortunately around this time of year school is my life. i know i am pretty lame. i don't care i will be cool again one day maybe next week lol. 


for the pic this week i thought i would go with your stereotypical rainbow even though this post has nothing to do with stereotypes. but it reminds me of my brother who loves to where pink and wants to kiss boys instead of the hot girl down the street. *sigh* okay so go back in to he topic of the post really quick. i love him like i said but i also have an older brother who is 23 ( i almost forgot how old m bother was lol) and i just wish he was more like him ( really really really into girls and football and lifting weights and being buff and eating meat)  i mean my sisters where the same way with me " why can't you like boys like the 3 of us didn't we set a good example" i don't know i just feel like i have failed as an older sibling cuz he is gay. like it is my fault he is the way he is. even through i know from experience it's not. but back to the pic my queer rainbow for my might be queer little brother 

Dressing like a boy

Okay some background first so that you know what's going on in my life. I am bi, ( if you couldn't guess from the colors lol) and for me that means i will date boys and girls. Date both. how i interact romantically i.e physically  is with a guy vs. a girl is drastically different but that is not what this blog is about. i will get in to that at another day. anyway who i date and how i dress are thus directly related if i am with a guy or stud i dress more like a girl. if i am with a fem i dress more like a guy. so i have been dating this stud for the past 2yrs so i have been dressing more like a girl when i am around her. so my wardrobe i guess has shifted. and honestly i miss it. i miss the comfort, the bagginess, the simplicity, everything. so i have been thinking about going back to it. but just for the summer. i mean when i am not with her i look quite ambiguous. Nike kicks, jeans they might be loose they might be skinny, and a hood that is either black navy blue or gray. i mean if i didn't have all these v cut tops ( courtesy of the gf) i could be either which is what i like. but i just don't know how my girl friend will react to it she likes seeing my in dress and skirts. and i am the type of person who like to please. so i don't know what i am going to do. i mean it isn't a serious problem it is just something that's been on my mind for a while and i am try to clear some mental space. hopefully with your feed back i will be able to make a decision before summer.  because i would like to step out in style for my last summer in the city. 

any way i swear to you the blogs will get more interesting as time goes on i just wanted to hear some one else thoughts on what i have to say. just like i promised, color scheme change. i like messing around with these 3 colors and seeing how many different styles i can get keeping the order of the colors. i actually know how many cuz i am kinda of nerd and math and science are my thing so. don't judge me everybody has there quirks. oh also i kind like this abstract rainbow thing i got going on with my pic so i posted another one i found. these pics aren't mine like i find them on the inter net but i really like this on. i see it as a mushroom cloud and that's why i like it. like i said i am nerd :). see ya next week

first post

so i told myself today i was going to do y first blog. but man starting a blog is harder than you think it would be. i had to do layout and set security. i mean it still doesn't look the way i wanted it to. i wanted like a subtle rainbow background. however the pic i wanted to use was to big memory wise so i am stuck with this purple stuff which is fine for now but it will be change i wanted something like that but didn't work out. i want this blog to be a reflection of me so that who ever chose to follow this stuff feels like they know me after reading this blog. like i follow some youtubers and i think it is supper cool that they share their personal lives with there followers. i started this blog cuz i joined a site call Trevor space and i wanted the people on the site who are my friends or just watching my page ( cuz i do that to so i don't think its creepy) to have something to look forward to every week. and i personal think it is a great way to meet people. i post every week read the comment respond to comments it should be great. i have a few ideas for a ligt first post where i actually talk about something and i think i will post that tomorrow. but for now i guess this is a good enough little intro to the world.
- skits 
ps. i needed to find away to work some pink into this mix so that i get the colors scheme i want. 10 points for anyone who can gues the color scheme and why i love it and will be reppin' it till the day i die :) i am going to play around with the colors so when i finailly get my background the way i want it to be look out for some cool color post