The issue is I'm dissociating a lot and we (new person and I) can't figure out why. We (therapist and I) think it is a stress/fear response. She cares for me, shows up, is present, communicates so, and tries her best (which is beyond whatever is needed, called for, wanted, or even dreamed possible). I thought I felt really safe and protected in this new situation. Intellectually and physically I definitely do. However, my feelings are a lot harder to get a read on. Along with really liking her and all the feelings that come with new relationships and attractions. I'm also uncomfortable about being vulnerable, taking care of, and all this new stuff I've never had before. I am always feeling a lot whenever I'm around her. It's overwhelming to be honest. So I think I just shut down as much as possible emotionally. So I'm not feeling everything. I can't shut it off completely but it's definitely only like 5% of what it would be. But then the second I'm away from her. All of my feelings come back at all at once. And it's still very overwhelming so I just dissociate.
My therapist thinks that I'm feeling a lot because I'm not used to being taken care of, being wanted but not needed, being safe, and not having to earn love. All of that is true. I can't even deny it. I've known all of that is true for awhile. I've even said the words out loud but it's never been real until now. Now I'm physically living the difference. And OH MY!!! What a difference it is! It's so different I can't handle it and almost completely shut down. It's so different that it's too much for me to even being to process when I'm not with her. I want this so bad but I'm too broken to be able to handle it. It's not her fault at all. It's a me issue. But it's also not my fault. There's plenty of blame to go around to plenty of people but that doesn't fix me. There's no time machine to go back and teach me how to be loved, how to receive love.
It does make me wonder why I couldn't just have this all along. It makes me question myself. Ask myself what was I doing wrong. The answer is nothing. I needed to work on my self-worth, I still do but that doesn't make people love you. That would make me love me and know my value. Which helps me not tolerate people loving me incorrectly. It would have prevented some of the trauma but not all. I haven't always loved correctly. I know that. It is something that I have to learn. But, I've always been deserving of being loved and cared for. Everyone is deserving. Not getting that for so long makes me feel like I've missed out. I feel inadequate and incompetent. Like everyone else is in on the joke but not me and I'm the punchline. It hurts to know what I've been missing. I've always known I've been missing it but I didn't know what it was like so I couldn't really be hurt by it, be sad about it, or even begin understand what it feels like. And I still don't really know because the shock is too great.
I really want to know. Now that I have felt a little bit I do really want to know. I'm just hoping that it isn't too late to learn. That I'm capable of learning. That I can physically adjust. Because sometimes with the body you just miss your window. If you don't do it then you'll never get it. Never is a really long time.
