skit: leaving friends that hurt me

I'm to old to be acting this foolish. I know it's wrong but I want it anyway. Nothing good is going to come of this. But I bet I do it anyway. I don't know how to do the hard thing. I don't have the self control to not give into my impulses. I want to learn from my mistake instead of repeating them. I know exactly what I'm doing and how dangerous of a game it is. The problem is I also know I'm good at the game. There are no winners and it all ends in pain but I can have a lot of fun before that comes. The worst part is I don't even know why I am playing. I didn't want to play this game in the beginning. I was adamant that I wasn't going to play. Now look at me. So deep in it. And for what? She'll never change. She'll grow but she will never choose me. She'll never love me. Not the way I deserve. I have a chance to avoid the head on collision but I can't seem to swerve. The timing is all wrong. I deserve the summer. I don't want to hurt for the rest of the year. I've been through pain all winter. Can't I get a reprieve? It's not like doesn't hurt already. I'm just ignoring that pain. But if I open those flood gates there's no going back. My heart will be broken. I will lose my friend. I don't know how I let it get this bad. I want it all. I want my friend without the lectures and pain with the bond we've cultivated. But I think the intimacy I crave will always come at this cost. I am worth the love I give away. I need to find it and stop hurting myself with people I know will never work. I knew I knew I knew. And I did it anyway. I need to let be over. I just can't seem to stop myself. Cuz it's just hurting me. There is nothing here for me and I know this. So why am I still here. Why can't I leave. Why do I run to her when she doesn't want me. I'm going to leave in pieces and it's no one's fault but my own. I'm just procrastinating cutting myself open. Stalling all the way to the execution chamber. What's will come will come there's no stopping it. Just acceptance.