Skittles: why do I like people who hurt me

*Content warning domestic abuse*

My therapist gave me this promt so I'm going to do my best to write about it. 

I like people who hurt me because I'm trying to be loved and pain is the only love I know. If it doesn't hurt and I don't want to die if I don't have it is it really love? 

My first thought was why am I so unlovable? My mom abused me and my dad let her. My step dad didn't really intervene too much either. All because I was bad. Maybe I was just neglected and needing to be loved. But I'm not unlovable. I am just as worthy of love as anyone else. I am fully capable of being loved. So why doesn't anyone love me? What did I do? What more do I have to do to be loved? I'm trying so hard. People pleasing doesn't work. I tried doing everything my mom ever wanted of me and it was never enough. I tried saving people so they would love me, but Sophia said I was making her uncomfortable. Too much change to fast. Nobody is ever is grateful or thankful for me single handedly saving them. So that doesn't work. I use to compartmentalize and be different people for everyone. But they didn't love me, they loved who I became for them. A perfectly tailored version of me for them. I want to my full self and still be loved and don't know what to do to be loved the way I want. But I would rather be hurt than alone. I don't want to be alone. Suffering with someone is better than being fine alone. 

Side note screw Liv and being dishonest and betraying her. I have no loyalties to  her so I don't care if she gets hurt in the process. She's wrong and toxic so any pain I cause her she brought on herself by being wrong.