Skittles: piña colada

I love Eta Carina. Like marry her tomorrow spend the rest of our lives together love. Move half way across the country any time she'd have me love. But she doesn't feel the same and that is just one of a few things living in my head making me wonder whether this will work out. Like I feel like 75% it will work if you work at it and the other 25% of the time it was just bad luck and nothing could make it work. I want this to be the 75% of the time obviously. But she wouldn't move for me, and that says a lot. I like big dogs and she doesn't think she could handle one. I like the song Escape (The Piña Colada Song), I find it oddly romantic. She hates it and feels like its about cheating. (she's not wrong but I feel like she's missing the point.)I like traditionally houses with a lot of space, a two car garage, and a back yard. She likes modern townhouse and condos in the city. I am beginning to wonder are we too different to work? Its just a number of little things plus the one big thing being the house. Husband #7 keeps saying "your three month in its not the end of the world if it doesn't work out." I know its not but it feels like it would be. I thought after Amoriartii I would never marry and do the whole domestic thing. Mostly because everything felt like settling for less. Except for Lovely. That felt different but very similar. It was an intense love. I am teaching myself that I don't need an intense love to be happy. I don't need it for the relationship to last because none of the intense ones ever have. I learned ( more like still trying) to stop comparing current relationships to the one with Amoriartii. Now things don't feel like settling they just feel different which I have convinced myself is okay.  I (am trying to) believe that if I want to marry do the whole domestic thing that I can still find someone to love and do that with. So because this isn't an intense love every time even the smallest thing goes awry its like a big alarm goes off in my head. Just straight up panic for like five seconds every time. But this, her unwillingness to move feels like a big thing. Also I am not crazy I am not saying we have to move now. Actually I am saying we are not moving in together now. But I plan so I can save and manage my life accordingly. So if I am going to move to the coast in a couple of years I would like that to be a very stress free process because we planned for this possible outcome. So we talk about it causally with out making concrete plans about what we like and what we don't like. Just making a Pinterest board of future plans together should things work out. With that said we consider a range of possibilities, one being her moving to me. But she just shut it down. Wouldn't entertain the idea for a second. Shoots it down every time I bring it up. Which doesn't sit right with me. If things work out two years is a long time maybe she will change. Equality when it makes sense is important to me in a relationship and equity for when equality doesn't work. It feels both equal and equitable that she should consider moving too! It just bugs me that its such a sticking point with her. It makes me feel less cared for and respected. I don't feel loved. It makes me feel like this won't work and I should be looking for someone who: likes piña coladas

And gettin' caught in the rain (romantically) 

are you kinda into yoga

understands the physics of a plane 

If you like makin' love at midnight

on a boat of the cape

Then I'm the love that you've looked for

Write to me and escape

but I still want this to work so I probably won't post that in my tinder bio just yet. 

Daily struggle

Day 8: kinda sluggish 

Day 9: very sleepy 

Day 10: getting covid test 

daily struggles

Day 7: chest pain a little

That and a lot of fear. 

skittles: Eta Carina what if you don't get better

These are just notes on conversations I plan to have with Eta Carina. We both suffer from different mental health issues. I'm doing better and she is right now. I recognize the dark place that she said and I want to help but I also need to establish boundaries so that I don't get taken back to that place. 

I want this to work and even if you don't get better I want to be with you. So I guess there's two separate conversations we to have one about you getting better and one where you don't.

 what does getting better mean to you? What does it mean to me? What commitment are will to make to that? What are you willing to sacrifice and do to get better. Are you willing to have the hard conversations were you hear things you might not want to hear. Are you willing to do things that you don't want to do. are you willing to do the things even when you're exhausted and don't feel like you have the energy for it. Are you willing to push past what you feel emotionally to what your physically capable of? Are you willing to train your emotions in a similar way of how you would train your physical muscles. are you willing to work on your emotional stamina in the same way you work on physical stamina. 

If you're not willing to get better what did that mean for our relationship? Do you still want to be with me. Will you accept the help I offer? Will you need more care than I can provide at times. Where do you get that care if not from me. Are you willing to let people in to care for you. Can you accept being cared for. What are the systems we need to set up so that you can maintain where you are. What are some uncomfortable truths we will need to accept. What are so things that will put you Jeopardy of getting worse that we have to eliminate. 

daily struggles

Covid 

Day 5: killer migraine

Day 6: my ears are popping and I'm sleepy

daily struggles

Covid 19 Day 4: nose bleeds. But other than that fine

daily struggles

I got covid. 

Day 2: I have a runny nose and I'm Sneezy.

Day 3: I am squeezy and I have a stuffy nose.