This post is about a conversation, well more of an argument I had with one of my partners. I currently have three. I'll do an update on that later. This post is not about that. I'll also give them all names later. This post is not about that either.
Trigger warning: suicidal ideation, depression
My boyfriend clearly has never been depressed. Or maybe this is just a function of being depressed for so long. It feels like I've been depressed forever. But my earliest memories of being depressed start around the age of seven. That's almost 20 years. It's hasn't always been this bad but I've always had it. I knew it was wrong to die at 20. It took me into the age of 23 to not want to die. I still don't actively want to live. But I'm working towards really really not wanting to die.
He wants me to really like things and I do for a moment. But then I move on. I liked horses, sailing, and pokemon for a moment. Now I don't. Everything for me seems to be of passing phase. Because when a wave of depression hits I don't like anything. I don't want to do anything. I don't even like my bed I just spend all day there. When my depression lets up a bit, the things I used to like don't feel the same. I've been neglecting them and I feel guilty about it. Now there is bad feelings associated with them. So I move on to something else. It's hard to maintain a passion for me when I know I will eventually let it down.
How do you tell someone you live for the moment and not for next week, not for the year. You can't have passions if you're just living in the moment. You can be really passionate about the thing for a second but it's not going to be a lifelong commitment. I already have a lifelong commitment. It's my fight with depression, and it's not something that I can share. He wants me to have hobbies and interests that I can share with him. Things that I love that we can do together. But everything I love everything that doesn't feel guilty return to after a moment of depression is because it doesn't have other people associated with it. It's because I'm not letting anyone down. It's because it's impossible to let myself down with the hobbies and interests that I do have. I like traveling to travel takes time. If I go through a fit of depression and don't go anywhere, that's completely acceptable. I like trying new foods. If I don't try anything new for a year or for three that's also fine. I like spending time with friends. I know that my friends will always be there when I get better.
Also these specific hobbies are things that help me in my lifelong commitment. In my lifelong fight against depression I have to take care of myself. A good allotment of that means personal hygiene. When I travel I have to wash clothes, I have to wash myself. I have to go to the doctor to get a checkup especially if I'm traveling internationally. Traveling makes me be better and fight my depression. Trying new foods forces me to eat. I cannot tell you how many times when I'm in a fit that I just don't eat.I don't have a tasting for anything. I don't want anything. I don't desire anything I hate everything. But you can't hate something you've never had before and you can't desire something you've never had before. To try new foods is a way for me to eat especially when I'm in a fit. I also don't want to answer phone when I am really depressed. I don't want to see people. I don't want people to see me. But if I have commitments to hang out with my friends I will honor them even if I don't feel like it. I do try to wiggle out of them but it usually doesn't work because they know better.
Everything I like is centered around keeping me healthy. Everything I like is centered on making me better. Everything I like is centered around me. I don't know how to bring another person into that. Yes you can travel with people but that's really hard to do and it's not something we can just do casually. Yes we can eat out and eat a different places but he's picky. Yes I can introduce him to my friends but I only introduce my serious relationships.
I don't think he understands that I do have interests similar to how he's interested in comics and card games but they're different. His are social hobbies. Mine aren't hobbies that require you to learn necessarily or think strategically or have a lot of history in the very same ways. Mine also not things I need to do with other people. I can do every single one of the things I like to do by myself. Except for hang out with friends that requires other people.
I don't know how to explain to him that depression shapes my life in more ways than just affecting my mental health. It affects how I emote. It affects my ability to care. It affects my interest levels. It affects my interests. Living with depression and having lived with it for more than 20 years has shaped who I am. It's become part of me. He's always saying he's afraid I don't want to live. He should be. Because in the fit of depression I won't want to live. But if I can make it through it I can get to a place where I don't want to die. I know it's not much but it's all I have to offer. And I really want him to accept that as enough.
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