Skittles: things to do during the quarantine

• Read all those books you wanted to read

• Watch those movies you wanted to watch

• Spend time with your kids, family, pets, people you live with or next to.

• Train your cat or dog

• Take better care of your pets

• Learn that skill you want it to learn

• Learn a language

• Practice your hobbies

• Learn to code

• Make something

• Have those hard conversations with people

• Self care

• Learn about yourself

• Grieve a loss ( if you have a recent one and haven't done so)

• Work on yourself

• Heal from your trauma

• Unlearned toxic behaviors

• fix the obviously broken things about the country. 

• Healthcare for all

• crumbling infrastructure

• Erase college debt

• Make education free

• Homelessness

• Feeding the hungry

• Caring for the sickly and old I'm going home

Skittles: what I'm doing instead of talking to Lovely

I've been panicking about telling Lovely that I basically dumped her (as a friend) on accident. I see her next week. I'm still at a lost for words. Good news I found a song Cool Again that exactly conveys what I'm feeling. Shows you how desperately I've been avoiding this. My favorite is the part that goes "I know I'd said we'd be fine but that was then, and it's a lie."  If I ever got physically or romantically involved with Lovely I'd insist we stay friends even if we broke up. She would be ecstatic about that. I always suspected that I was full of shit but now I know that it would be dam near impossible for for me to go right back to being friends. If I could ever get to a place again were I felt like we were okay as friends. We were just friends and now it's weird. Probably just for me, but still. I would be texting her "I know at the beinging I'd said we we'd be fine but I was lying. Sorry?" Actually! I think when we became friends we said it'd be fine that we might have some non platonic (sexual, sensual, romantic, ect) feelings for each other, because we'd never act on them and it be fine. *Takes five minutes to laugh myself to tears (happy tears).* Neither of us could manage to have a purely platonic relationship in practice. And now it's weird. It's probably been weird for her in past at some point. And we (she) got through it without going nuclear. Also with out me noticing. How does she do that? Maybe she just talked to me and it wasn't weird for me? I can do that too! I think? I spend so much of our relationship being honest and vulnerable. Why is it still hard to do? 90% of our friendship is me sharing feelings and showing a side of myself that I share with no one else. She's seen me sad cry. I don't cry in front of anyone!!! Well we need to talk anyway so it's gotta happen. 

daily struggles

When you don't get time off to go to you're doctor's appointment but you do get approved time off to go to a concert. 🤷🏾

Daily struggles

I don't need a love that would die for me. I don't need a love that would cross oceans and mountains for me. I need a love that will talk to me even when it's hard. I need a love that will show me empathy and patience even when they are mad. 

Skittles: hurting my step dad's feelings

I would like to say that my step dad is homophobic and sexists so I don't feel bad at all. All of these happened really early in the morning before 9 am which is when I start being a decent human being.

Step dad: I herd you finally got a job

Me: You mean  besides the one that society is forced on me being born black and female in this world and having to single-handedly save it and get none of the credit? Were you not considering the job that I have of making myself more palatable so that white people don't see me as threatening? Or do you mean make myself smaller so that other people around me mainly men feel more comfortable in my presence?

Step dad: I meant a job that actually pays the bills even though you don't pay any around here.

Me: oh you mean what I do to survive in this capitalistic society because we don't monetarily compensate most emotional work or household labor that primarily men take for granted. Yes I'm doing very well at my job.

Step dad: it's nice to see you finally put some effort into something.

Me: yes you could learn from my example and put some more effort into your work as a dad. 

Step dad: when are you going to clean your room.

Me: after you clean yours.

Step dad: when are you going to move out?

me: I think the unwanted non contributing person should move out first.

Step dad: So when are you doing to do that?

Me: After I help Mom exterminate the vermin. Would you like one severing of arsinic or two?

Step dad: Don't you think it's time to move out?

Me: I still serve a crucial purpose in this household. Unlike some people who had one job never did it and now and now said job doesn't exist anymore but is still here for some reason?

Step dad: when are you going to graduate?

Me: probably around the same time you loose weight, stop being homophobic, or take your medicine for your diabetes. 

Step dad: what are you doing home so late

Me: what are you doing here at all? Gosh it must have only been in my strung out fantasies you were no longer a part of our lives and we were all better for it. 

Step dad: do you think you can just come and go as you please?

Me: uh yeah.

Step dad: well there are rules in this house.

Me: who made these rules?

Step dad: the people paying the bills

Me: mom! You made rules and one of them wasn't to banish him? He chews with his mouth open! He wakes you up even though you work nights? He eats all the food I cook for you! Missed opportunity is all I'm saying!

Step dad: it's 6am what are you doing just getting home.

Me: minding my own business you should try it some time.

Step dad: where do you think you're going come back here

Me: to bed cuz I'm an adult and the only time have to engage with people I don't like it for money. so unless you have $25 or more per hour for wasting my time I'm going to sleep.

Step dad: so you think you can just do what you want?

Me: I mean with in the confines of societal expectations, yeah.

Step dad: Well you not just gunna be here and not contribute. Also why do you think you can just come home at all hours of the night?

Me: well if contribution is a must then you're extremely in debt. Also some soon to be homeless guy keeps reminding I'm an adult. So I decided to explore all the benefits of being an adult with a key to my residence and no curfew.