skit: Trauma

I've been thinking about pain and how it manifest itself. Specifically in the LGBT community. I've been wondering if the oppression has lead to mass depression and other mental health issue that seem more prevalent in the queer community than in the normal populous. I have wanted to do research on this for some time and it is a subject of great interest to me despite it not being in my field of study at all. I wonder if other queer people fantasize about cutting themselves even though they know its wrong. I wonder if it is an abnormal amount of people like it seems to be. Or if my life just attracts sadness? I keep finding that the more queer people  I find the more "damaged" people I have in my life. We are like super hero's with tragic back stories each one of us minus the cool powers or money. I've been wondering if our drug problem isn't a drug problem its just a way to numb ourselves of the pain. I don't think we are alcoholics either. I think we are self medicating for hurt that is to complicated for words. A hurt that is easier to drink than it is to say. Rejection, self hatred, religious persecution, bullying, violence, lack of government protection, lack of rights, discrimination, oppression and etc turned in to drinking, partying, drugs, casual sex, mental health issues, eating disorders, self mutilation, and perpetuating hatred within the community. I think we just choose bad coping mechanisms.  We took actions that were already part of our culture and made them part of our self care process. It took something bad that we did in moderation and exacerbated it to the point of a community nightmare. That nightmare continued to grow and then started creating problems of its own. The AIDS epidemic for one. More recently our terrible hook up culture where it seems we all forgot how to love. Our high suicide rates. Our high overdose rates. Why are we hurting ourselves more? It is like we are rapidly bleeding out and nobody is trying to see were all the blood is coming from. Instead we numb ourselves to the pain, which will make pain harder to find and stop. Why isn't anyone trying to figure out where the pain is coming from? I want to be able to point to something and say yes that is where it hurts. If we can figure out where it hurts maybe we can find out why we are hurting in the first place and fix that. Instead of trying to stop drinking or doing drugs lets take away the need for it. Can we let ourselves bleed for one second? We first must rip the band-aid off to begin to actually deal with the trauma.

Skit: the Normal Heart

I know I am very late to the party as this movie was released in 2014 and it's two years later.  I've been busy. Having seen it first thing I want to say is, I'm a Truvada whore for life.  If you don't know what Truvada is its an antiviral for HIV. You take it once a day at the same time every day and it lowers your risk of being infected. Second I have friends living with HIV. I have been there when my friend was diagnosed. He was scared to have it, to tell anyone, and to even talk to me about it. I wasn't. Its not my life, its not my body, I'm only an outsider looking in.  I was never scared for him for one second. I was never going to leave his side. I knew together he, I and the doctors could control this. I knew his life would change but not for the worse. Its been a blessing and a curse. People have left his life because of it and other have entered. It has been a major cash drain and time consumer. I've driven him to doctors appoints and different clinics. I've paid the some of the hundreds of dollars for the medicine. I've seen a boy turn into a man. I watched an activist be born. I have never been prouder of my friend as when he went into HIV/AIDS work to help people who were scared like he was. He is alive and well. We aren't as close as we should be now but I am still in his corner just the same. Third, this was a preventable crisis that everybody had a hand in making worse. The government reacting so slowly, doctors not having what they needed to research it, the LGBT population for not having protected sex, the general population for not having protected sex,  and drug users sharing needles.  With better information and putting preventive measures into practice as of 2014 new infections are down 35% from 2000 . That is not to say that the number of newly infected people are good because they are not. A staggering 2 million people, at least, where newly infected in 2014. About 5,600 people contract HIV every day.  1% of the total global population has HIV and that percent is still steadily climbing. 1% of 7.2 billion is a lot even though it doesn't seem like much when I write it out. But that statistic increases when you look at specif populations, like the LGBT community, black people, and third world countries. Those stats are so terrible I'm not going to write them here but you can look them up on the CDC and UNAIDS. Fourth, it was a great movie. Very well done in my opinion. I am proud of all the white gay male actors that stepped up to be in that movie. I would have liked to see it feature more people of color and how the epidemic effect those gay men differently. However, it was a biographical movie so I can't be that mad because the person who's life it was about probably didn't have that much contact with gay men of color. Still it would have been nice. It is a tear jerker so bring some tissues. This movie can be characterized as a gay movie as it is about gay men getting AIDS. With that said it is probably one of the only gay movies that doesn't suck. It is a good Gay movie with plot and everything. Watch the Normal Heart, it is worth your time. 

Skitt: 7 years

Once I was 7 years old
Rocking myself to sleep,  crying in a corner.
Dreaming of a better life
For when I was older
Once I was 7 years old
Hard-headed and not listening
Ducking when she would swing
Only relaxing when she was missing
Once I was 11 years old
A beautiful flower
In a world of bitter cold
To pretty for my own good
Once I was 11 years old
But I looked much older
Basking in the light
Comes with such a heavy burden to shoulder
Once I was 20 years old
Hoping to live the better life
I dreamed of when I was younger
Finding out life is so much harder
Than the soft edges of a knife
Once I was 20 years old
Living in the night
Plagued by demons
Still dreaming
Everything will turn out right
Soon I'll be 30 years old
I hope my restless soul
Finds some peace by then
Still working towards my goal
Of living a better life than its been
Soon I'll be 30 years old
Will my soul find peace
Or will I have the fight
To achieve my goal
Will I ever be 30 years old?
Once I was 7 years old
Rocking myself to sleep,  crying in a corner
Once I was 7 years old

Daily struggle

So we are in California which notoriously dry and known for forest fires. Myfriend cigarette caused the bush next to me to catch on fire all of a sudden. We quickly put it out.  After we were done panicking I said " I'm glad we put that out quickly before it started talking and got biblical"

Dos & Non 2016

Today is day of silence and tonight is night of noise.  I talked all day and I do not feel bad about it becuase today is for privilege people to shut the hell up.  By being quiet you can not only hear the voices that they're the normally talking over but notice the large amount of people being silenced. I say this every year if you're privileged and queer shut the hell up. If your not queer shut up.  Remember privilege is institutional advantage but also situational advantages. You can have more privilege in some situations and less in others. So where as I would be a privileged queer person I was surrounded by straight people.  So I get to talk.  I would like to reflect on when I was in high school and it was a big deal.  I liked it because I thought I was making a difference but I didn't really grasp intentions Day of Silence.  I didn't know about the murders, suicides, and I didn't know about conversion therapy.  I didn't know all of the violent ways people are silenced. I literally just thought about how we are not given a voice and not represented. It it's still hard for me to fully wrap my mind around all the different ways people manage to hurt other people for being who they are. I don't think I will ever understand it until I experience it firsthand. I don't think it is one of those things you can read our hear about and then know it.  I believe it has to effect someone you care about or you personally to understand what it is like for you to be told you and your voice don't matter.  Then you have to imagine that you represent an entire minority, and those people and thier voice doesn't  matter.  The world doesn't care if they are dead or alive. Then imagine all those graves. I can't. I've seen many war cemeteries. I've seen graves by the thousand and I can't imagine being one of them. Or one of those graves being my friends, let alone imagine all of those people being some kind of queer. Dead for just being queer.  Cemeteries are so silent, it's too loud. That's what I think today and tonight are suppose to be.  I think that the silence supposed to make you think and the noise is to make others think. When I was in high school night of noise was a time for me to party with all of my friends and be who we are with other people like us. I respect that part.  There are not many opportunities for queer people to come together in public and build that camaraderie, or feel that sense of community. I just wonder what did the people passing by think of our noise? Was it deafening? Can they feel the pain that runs deeper that than the hate? Do they know what we've lost? Do they care?  Do we know?  Do we care?

Skit: Bronx Cunt Tour

My friend and movement teacher Nic Kay, star and maker of lilBLK is on tour with said show.  First off I pray that they bring it back to Chicago becuase I need to see it again.  I know I raved and went on about it but it really is that good.  The tour has taken Nic all over the world and they have been documenting not only thier experience on the road but really what lilBLK means to them and how it came into existence in the first place.  You can watch episodes of this via OpenTv. I was at the premier of the first two episodes in the series and it was exactly what I was expecting. Nic never disappoints. You get to here from Nic themself about this evolutionary process that led to the show. We are right thier dissecting the show post conception and premier with Nic. Nic and the audience go over the show after it has already happened so we get to experience some of the same things Nic is experiencing by analyzing it and all the things that led up to it.  Even if you haven't seen the show it's a series worth watching for the simple fact that it highlights the process of which black gender non-conforming arist make art. Its very unique, informative, interesting and entertaining. Also watch it becuase I love my friend Nic and you should too :p Again another amazing piece by Nic and I can't wait to see what the rest of the series brings. #lilBLK

Daily struggles

I am a master at playing with fire I have the burns to prove it.

Daily struggles

Still need to write this dam paper

Daily struggles

4 hours later still 4 hours away. Almost home just slightly futher south than I should be.  Might still make class.  Definitely making work

Daily struggles

Being in the wrong state 12 hours before class with a 6 hour tavel minimum. Will I get to class today?  Will I get to work today? Find out in this series of daily struggles

Skitt: Yes I'm feeling 22

I didn't want to do that.  It's cliché. But Cyborg liked it so we are rolling with it. 

I'm another year older but I don't know if I'm any wiser or stronger for it. I feel stagnant. I did accomplish a number of great things with all the organizations I work with.  I traveled around the world to learn that life in cities of what Americans consider 3rd world countries isn't much different from the life I live. People are people and you can find something in common with almost anyone. I've traveled across the country to find that my reflection looks the same in rivers, oceans, and lakes; though the sun rises differently every place I've been. 

If I could go back and tell my 21 year old self what this year was like I would say we are still here at 22. The most important thing is I haven't given up on myself. My friends are still here and they haven't given up either.  The moment I have to start attending funerals instead of weddings, baby showers, anniversaries, or birthday is the day I start to unravel. At 22 I know I'm not ready for that. 

I learned I forgot how to love myself and that Cyborg's unyielding patience and love is teaching me how to love me again.  He is teaching me honesty and trust. While Amoriartii is constantly stifling that process. Such is love though. I'm am growing and it hurts. I am taking steps to be on the right path by 24. Each step a little harder than the last, but I keep walking. 
Life is hard and a lot of strife, but I live for the connections I make, the people I meet, the friends I make and have, and the new experiences that have yet to come ( good and bad alike).  Some days I swear are the best days of my life and sometimes I swear the dark clouds never end but I keep living. I don't feel as if I lived another year.  I feel more like I survived and that's okay. Sometimes we can't live the way we want or ought to. Sometimes we need to hunker down and survive. I did that.

The past 5 months have been not the best but more or less neutral. Cyborg was a big improvement. I have someone to love and who loves me back.  I laugh more becuase of him.  I spend more time in the sun becuase I'm by his side. I want to be able to do that on my own.

My goal for this year is to live.  By the time I turn 23 I want to say I'm living again.  I look forward to that. I just need to take care of me first then I can start again.  This year I will be taking a scheduled hiatus. I will be going to a rehabilitation facility to help me with my depression, anxiety, and my eating disorder.  ** side note: I did hint to the fact that I had an eating disorder a long time ago. Then I never mentioned it again. But I did mention it so you can't say I didn't tell you.  Go back and reread  my problem with the grilled cheese sandwich it's in there** I just need to dedicate myself to getting better instead of just managing the problems. I'm always afraid to do so becuase I know the world will be okay with out me and that is devastating.  I would be without internet, a phone, or my laptop and the outside world will keep going while I work on myself. I kind of wish it would stop and wait for me though.  I'm not comfortable with that and I doubt that I ever will be so I just need to go and take the month off. I will either go in July or December. I will hopefully know which by the end of the month.

I will also be doing a poem or short story once a week on Wednesdays in honor of poetry month. It was very therapeutic last year to do something similar. So I will try to keep to the schedule, missing as few as possible. But you already know I'm going to miss 50% . I acknowledge my shoty track record of posting on time

I'm 22 now and I may not be another year smarter, wiser, or stronger than I was before.  But I am another better. I learned, survived, laughed, and cried and I am better for it.

Trans day of viability 2016

I always am thankful for all my Trans friends that are able to be who they are without fear of violence, homelessness, or job security. All my Trans friends are privileged. They have never faced violence or verbal abuse.  None of them have been rejected by thier family due to thier Trans identity. I am so grateful and blessed that they are blessed.  But Trans Day of Visibility is a about the 40 trans people that have already been murdered this year.  It is about the state of emergency that most trans people find themselves in when trying to do everyday things.  I read an amazing Dark Matter post about Trans Day of Visibility and what that means to this trans South Asian duo. To sum it up Visibility is not enough. Often visability leads to trans day of rememberance becuase they where murdered for being who they are, or committed suicide for not being able to be who they are. Trans day of visability  really needs to be trans day of justice a day where not trans people fight for our fellow trans person's rights. They deserve not to have to fight every day.  They deserve the same rights as a cisgender hetero white male.  We all do.  Trans day of justice would end all these bathrooms laws.  There has never been a case of a trans person assaulting a person in the bathroom. But there are plenty of cases of lawmakers committing acts of sexual deviants in the bathroom that lead to legal ramifications. I might not push as far too liberate all bathrooms from the gender binary but binary trans people should be able to go to the bathroom that matches thier gender identity no matter if they "pass", have had surgery, or changed thier identification. Non binary people should have a neutral option in all government buildings, public service buildings, work places, and schools ( for our non binary children) nuetral bathrooms or family bathrooms  are easy to use your families and people with disabilities. It really benefits a wide variety of people that should have the right to go to the bathroom. So next year I will tell you what I did for trans day of justice.