I didn't want to do that. It's cliché. But Cyborg liked it so we are rolling with it.
I'm another year older but I don't know if I'm any wiser or stronger for it. I feel stagnant. I did accomplish a number of great things with all the organizations I work with. I traveled around the world to learn that life in cities of what Americans consider 3rd world countries isn't much different from the life I live. People are people and you can find something in common with almost anyone. I've traveled across the country to find that my reflection looks the same in rivers, oceans, and lakes; though the sun rises differently every place I've been.
If I could go back and tell my 21 year old self what this year was like I would say we are still here at 22. The most important thing is I haven't given up on myself. My friends are still here and they haven't given up either. The moment I have to start attending funerals instead of weddings, baby showers, anniversaries, or birthday is the day I start to unravel. At 22 I know I'm not ready for that.
I learned I forgot how to love myself and that Cyborg's unyielding patience and love is teaching me how to love me again. He is teaching me honesty and trust. While Amoriartii is constantly stifling that process. Such is love though. I'm am growing and it hurts. I am taking steps to be on the right path by 24. Each step a little harder than the last, but I keep walking.
Life is hard and a lot of strife, but I live for the connections I make, the people I meet, the friends I make and have, and the new experiences that have yet to come ( good and bad alike). Some days I swear are the best days of my life and sometimes I swear the dark clouds never end but I keep living. I don't feel as if I lived another year. I feel more like I survived and that's okay. Sometimes we can't live the way we want or ought to. Sometimes we need to hunker down and survive. I did that.
The past 5 months have been not the best but more or less neutral. Cyborg was a big improvement. I have someone to love and who loves me back. I laugh more becuase of him. I spend more time in the sun becuase I'm by his side. I want to be able to do that on my own.
My goal for this year is to live. By the time I turn 23 I want to say I'm living again. I look forward to that. I just need to take care of me first then I can start again. This year I will be taking a scheduled hiatus. I will be going to a rehabilitation facility to help me with my depression, anxiety, and my eating disorder. ** side note: I did hint to the fact that I had an eating disorder a long time ago. Then I never mentioned it again. But I did mention it so you can't say I didn't tell you. Go back and reread my problem with the grilled cheese sandwich it's in there** I just need to dedicate myself to getting better instead of just managing the problems. I'm always afraid to do so becuase I know the world will be okay with out me and that is devastating. I would be without internet, a phone, or my laptop and the outside world will keep going while I work on myself. I kind of wish it would stop and wait for me though. I'm not comfortable with that and I doubt that I ever will be so I just need to go and take the month off. I will either go in July or December. I will hopefully know which by the end of the month.
I will also be doing a poem or short story once a week on Wednesdays in honor of poetry month. It was very therapeutic last year to do something similar. So I will try to keep to the schedule, missing as few as possible. But you already know I'm going to miss 50% . I acknowledge my shoty track record of posting on time
I'm 22 now and I may not be another year smarter, wiser, or stronger than I was before. But I am another better. I learned, survived, laughed, and cried and I am better for it.
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