Skit: sinusoidal, an adjective.

let be be the first to say this My name is J skittles and i am a Pyro. and i don't mean this in the mental diseases where i can't help but start fires. i'm not bad, or at least i don't think i am. i just have a crazy fatal attraction to fire. i love it. i like to be around it, i like to touch, play with it and watch it be fire and do what fire does. i lite candles just watch fire burn and its calming to me. fire is also a huge turn on. but we aren't talking about that. i love fire which is to be expected cuz i'm and Aries which is a fire sign. but fire doesn't love me back. in fact fire should represent everything bad about my life. it has take away friends from me and ruined families. but i love it just as much as much as the water loves me. but let me tell you i hate water. i have to swim in it i work with it. its wet and icky. but its seems to be a constant in my life.drawing its self to me. however i do find the water calming in a darker since. through the water has done nothing but give life to me. i have saved so many children not one has ever been lost to the water. i would call these two the extremes of my life fire and water and every aspect of  it fits into one of the the two categories. most of the time i get a good mix of fire and water and i turn out pretty even. but as of late things haven't been so even. I've been hot and cold then hot again, never even. in fact my behavior has been quite sinusoidal. and its driving me up a wall. i wish i could stop and just be even but its not that simple. i'm not acting this way just because i can and it seemed like something fun to to do i m reacting to people (person) around me. and i swear its like everyday i'm being thrown thrown trough a new loop. i go from this incredible high to a low or vise verse. it has gotten so bad where i honestly just want to burn it all down and start over. i have a nasty burn on my arm that i got from doing some kind of house work for my guy friend. i keep rubbing it thinking what it would be like to burn it all. if i could burn the ugly pieces of my life away, bandage it up for a week and have an new ugly free life. how great i would be to let the water wash over it and clean out all the dirty gritty parts i don't want. 

Skitt: words to etsy

honestly i am just afraid. i am paralyzed by an overwhelming fear of not being able to function. am i actually as fragile as i think or is my frailness a figment of my imagination brought on by psychological trauma. its a phobia like any other, completely unreasonable and illogical but still somehow seems rational. Philophobia is whats its called. i don't know if i could handle the toll it would take just to participate. just to feel. and i am almost positive that if i do somehow make it through that, there is no way i would ever recover from the fall out. falling out is like is crashing from space into the earth. it would surely kill me this time. i want to say i am too broken to heal, damaged beyond repair. all thats left for me now is damage control and learning to manage. try not to make it worse you know. when you have something wrong with your heart and the surgeon's go in and fix it they tell you to take it easy for the next 6 months. give your heart a break. but you know somethings you just can't fix and you're never 100% ever again. so its like hey you're good but take it easy for the rest of your life type thing. thats all i'm trying to do. i'm just trying to take it easy for the rest of my life. so i come across as guarded, distant, uninterested, or just plain cold not because i am but because i need to be. i wish i was as badass as i pretend to be. i wish i didn't care so much or i could turn of emotion when it was convenient for me. i am just trying to protect myself. i don't want it to break and more. i so i guard with my life like my life depends on it because it does. my fear has crippled me to the point where i think that if it was hurt any more than it already is that it would just be broken. and nothing or no one could fix it. now i know its seems like i am just afraid of the pain that is associated with it. Agliophobia is the fear of pain and i do not have this phobia. in fact what i am doing is often more painful. but it doesn't cause any damage. its momentary happiness and pain with out any of the repercussions. because i still feel because it still beats. it longs and yearns and wants i just can't through. this is what the anxiety has brought me to and it isn't pretty. but neither is fear itself. fright is represented by black while calm is white. so the six ways to crazy fear that i have must fall somewhere between the 2. which would make sense. different level of peace/ terror and fifty one different shades of black white grey. i must be more to the grey to black side because nothing about this is calm. fifty one different shades of the blackness from the fear and the pain from the grey. fifty on different shades of torture and agony that i am forced to live through day in and day out because my worse fears are coming true, and theres nothing i can do about it. i am already falling and its scary. not knowing if i'm going to survive or if i can handle it. the only part of me that isn't scared is the part that should be scared the most. my heart is either stupid or fearless ( maybe even suicidal)because its not afriad. it knows it could love you with a love that would be rivaled for a thousand years. however i as a mind and body are paralyzed by my fear of loving you. my fear of falling in love with anyone, but especially you, because you love me back. that is just so terrifying, fifty one different shades of scary to be exact. because honestly i am just afraid because i'm falling in love with you.


how does anyone manage to love again after being hurt so many times. i think i wanted to call it quits after 3 loves. logic and reason should teach us better. we are humans due to our amazing ability to learn, adapt, and change. i see now that evolution just doesn't apply to love. because one of us would have learned better by now. i can handle the pain and sadness that come with the aftermath but i don't know if i could handle losing the happy. losing the guarded smart fearful me. love makes me happy and makes me act like i can do anything. and i don't want to feel like that unless its going to last forever. i get so high i mean i get higher that anyone i've ever known and it just gets worse by the day. oh and i can't stop smiling it's terrible because i never realize how bad it is till after because my cheeks hurt like hell. anyway i really wanted to call this post fifty one different shades fear and terror addition. i was watching a sad break up flick with my friend who lives downstairs and i decided to write this in response to her calling me chicken shit. she was like " girl you so stupid you just afraid of the pain and thats no way to live" and i agree it's not but i am honestly just afraid of love itself. loving etsy from a far hurts like hell. because everyday i want to hug him and kiss him and tell him i love him. it mess up my whole day if i don't see him or if he leaves without saying goodbye. i pouted cuz he didn't give me a hug. and i can't help it i really like him so it bothers me that he doesn't do these things or that i can't do things for him cuz we aren't together. but we never will be. because i just can't love him right now. and i might never be able to. because i as a person need to be okay first. i need to know me for a while. maybe take myself out on a date. shower myself with gifts and presents. i need to love me before i can even begin to love anyone else. esty deserves a responsible emotionally stable adult. and i'm just not there. it is so difficult because i love him so much more than i love myself and that a problem. i can't lose myself in someone else again. i know i'm over thinking things i know i need to get out of my head but my head is protecting me and its right. think about it for real. how can you love someone if you can't even love yourself; how can you expect someone to love you right if you don't know how to love yourself; how can you expect to be able to come out of a relationship as an individual if you didn't even go in as one, you didn't lose yourself in your relationship there was never a you to begin with; how are you going to love someone if you don't know what love is. that's why i'm not going to date etsy. i'm going to date myself because i need to work on me for once.

skit: after post notes (aka post post notes)

so remember the last post i did about how esty is my person and what not. remember how i was suppose to tell him that he was my person because i am a direct person. i don't like making assumptions about things that are of interest or are  important to me. i may already know but i won't accept it as truth until i am told. that way if there is some way in hell that i am wrong i'm not so hurt or shocked but i digress. anyway i chickened out. i was going to tell esty the day after i wrote my post so like way back in oct. on like the 15 or something like that. but my " fake boyfriend" got to me first and they put all these ideas in my head and now i can't get them out.   my " fake boyfriend"  was like you should date esty. and i was like eww no they are all vegan and shit and i don't want to be all vegan and shit.  but then i thought about it and now i can get him out my head. esty is all i think about i went and ate vegan food with them and if i'm lucky i get to watch him eat fire later :) ! however there are some things about etsy that make liking him or wanting to date him more complicated. but i can't tell you cuz thats not my place and i respect his wish to keep some things to himself. if he was all out there with stuff i would totally tell you but he's not so i can't. so this part is not going to make much sense because i can't tell you but i want to try to explain my struggles with etsy to you. i wasn't going to date etsy because he's not my type in a certain way. he is a certain type of person and i was like i could never date that type of person due to all the baggage that comes along wit it. i just couldn't handle it. also i was having some small personal crises having to do with my sexuality. i just don't want to change it. i just settled in to being bisexual. i am comfortable and i understand me. now i would have to change it to pan or queer or something. i like the bi colors so much more than the pan colors ( no offense pan people) etsy is fucking with my sexuality. i don't appreciate. but he is so fucking hot. 

okay side note so that this makes a little bit of sense aka hint time* so being bi you date guys and girls and everybody assumes that i like everyone in the world. but thats not true thats pan. i only like girls and guys. but not everybody identifies as one or the other. gender lines are really murky. cuz you could identify as a girl but be a guy. i wouldn't date you that does not fall within my little box. you could look like a guy identify as a guy but still have girl genitalia. again that does not fit in my box.  if you want to limit yourself to the binary genders then your bi if not your pan or queer. and i'm Bi but i find myself falling for etsy who is outside of the binary genders and is somewhere in murky gender land. 

back to the actual post through if i was to date etsy i would no longer be bi. i would have to change. i would probably just be queer then. but would i really be queer or is this a one/ two time thing (esty has a fine ass friend who is just like him in murky gender land i swear they grow em fine as hell out there lol) thats the other thing etsy has a fine as friend who love to flirt with me ( we are going to call him santiago). and i'm a mega flirt so i can't help it. plus i kinda like how sexy he makes me feel. but i'm stop cuz idk i love etsy but santiago would be fun, easy, hot, sweaty, passion, and sexy. it would be college. i kinda wanna be bad and do both >:D muahahaha. and santiago is a dancer so its steamy when i hang out with esty and santiago. oh and then there's one more person angel who keeps the two boys living peacefully she is a doll.  we all hang out and eat vegan food together its pretty chill and things get pretty strange but its nice. i think thats the only thing that i am sure of when i hang out with them. that things will be strange but fun everything else that happens idk what it means or if it actually happened. i would have to get out of my own head to date etsy and i am just not sure if i could do that.  but i am going on a date with him on monday 11/5 so i guess i will have too.  i have never freaked out so much because before when i would freak out it was just me being dramatic now i'm actually freaking out. what does one wear on a vegan date anyway. what am i allowed to eat on a vegan date? somebody help me cuz i am a mess already and it's only friday 11/2.    this is too complicated. like actually i thought it would be a lot easier than this.

this is me right now cuz i won't stop freaking out i made myself sick

Stay Fierce yall ( fiercer than me me right now anyway)

skit: the twisted sister dark

yes that's a grey's anatomy reference its from way back like the 6th season or something like that ( been watching a lot of it lately).  it will make sense later. anyway somehow i have wound up in trouble again, i guess i wouldn't call it trouble as much as it is a recurring predicament that can lead to trouble. what have i done you asked. nothing really. i am just going into my 8th week of school and i am already very emotionally attached to someone who doesn't know how much i care. now i know what you guys are thinking "J skittle you can't fall in love with every other person on planet you need to calm down." but i am not in love with them thats the thing i just have mad love for them. like they get me and make me feel safe i can tell them anything and its not weird if we just sit and don't say a word. we have that "comfortable silence"  thing along the "tell you my deepest darkest secrets and never shut up" thing. like low key i want to lay all over them cuz they are so easy just to be with. like not many people can co exist with each other without running into problems but i could just exist with them. but they don't know how i feel. they don't know that they could tell me anything in the world and i would guard that secret with my life. they don't know that they could ask me anything in the world and i would answer truthfully ( which means a lot coming from me cuz there are certain things i just don't talk about so i lie but i would tell them) i trust them wholeheartedly without a single glimmer of doubt. but they don't know. its not like they don't even know i exist cuz that wouldn't work. i can't be attached to someone who i don't know anything about. ( so i have spent time with them and they know i exist). like i have all these feeling for them but the feeling are purely platonic that's why i'm calling it an emotional attachment. but i wish they knew how much they meant to me. like cristina is meredith's person and vice versa  they are my person they just don't know. i think it is very important for everybody to have that support it makes life so much easier. if you have that person who knows how to calm you down who can talk stuff out with you and can stand you even when you're being a bitch then you have a person, ( i mean its more complicated than that but those are some key indicators) congrats you have a person. i would try not to mess that friendship up because they are  the person you know you can turn to when everything is falling apart that's what they are they for and if you mess up then you don't have anyone. and everybody needs somebody. so don't date your person unless you intend to marry them and spend the rest of your life with them. because i don't care whether its a good break up or a bad one nothing is ever the same and you have gone and messed up on of the few important relationships in your life that you need to maintain. but is is very important that you do cause you may think you don't need a person in your life till you lose them and you see how much easier your life was with them. so you may not need them but you sure do want them. so hold them close, it is not easy getting another person if you let them go because people who truly get you without having to be told those are hard to find.  once you find one its like marriage you will know that its right. the only thing left to do is tell them. so that is what i am going to do with my person because they mean the world to mean and they deserve to know. btw i think we will call him esty and yes it is a man but i am giving him a female sounding name because of an inside joke me and him share.
(throw back because i keep getting attached too early too soon and people get the wrong idea)
stay fierce yo