Skitt: food for thought

Interesting topic for today’s blog, you know some food for thought (finally). I really wanted to explore the idea of self viewing and the teen age view of time. “skittles this sounds serious and boring" well it isn't meant to be light hearted but it isn't meant to be serious either and I think since it lies somewhere between those to mediums that it can be interesting in a thought provoking way hopefully. I don't quite know if my thoughts will make you go hmmm in a I want to think about this some more, I just hope they don't make you go hmmm what should I tell my girl friend to go put on my sandwich. Okay so I was sitting at a train stop with my friend and we were talking about girls and boys and how cute they were and how my way of judging people as attractive or not was better than her way. When I stopped and I thought omg I’m a teen age girl (still!!!) Which to me was surprising and shocking. to my friend however, it was apparently funny and obvious. I know I am a girl I have never been the person who identifies more with one gender over another. I am a girl and I know I just don't like to show it. I have never seen myself as girly as I was acting earlier today. I have always seen myself as having a more stereotypical boy brain. I have always seen myself as this tom boy a girl who prefers to be with the boys. But I have noticed as I enter a new phase of my life that how I view myself is changing and it is often situational. At home around the house and just with in close proximity, I act a lot like a dude in how I dress act, talk, sit. Then when I am out and about with friends running errands or just not close to home you get more of the tom boy. But at a formal event I am defiantly a girl through I like for queer formal events to be a man. As I sat with my friends talking about how important it is for us to have a strong self image I realize that I myself assured self is fading. To me it seemed like for a long time I was so sure of myself I had this strong self image I was able to project confidence because I was. But now after all these years I’m not any more what gives? You know? Then my friend pointed out something else about teen ager our concept of time is so messed up. Along time to me is a yr heck even 6 months seems to be forever away when a long time should really be 5-10 years. Think about it your in school for a long time for k-12th grade that is a long time. My friend said it’s a life time. And I thought that was terribly sad because it is true. It is a life time depending on where you live or what type of community surrounds the school you go to. That means in what a teen ager considers a life time you as a person might not have a strong self image. In a life time yourself image could change more than 10 times. I am not the person I once saw myself as. I defiantly have changed and matured (my spelling and grammar skills through not so much) but I had to step back to look at the big picture so that I could see what time means to me. Then I had to step forward again and take a closer look at myself. I know having a strong self image is important but I now see that I have a life time to develop it and it is so okay for me to change and evolve I thought I was going to be the same person I am in four yrs but the truth is after 4 yrs passes I could do a complete 360 and be something that I never once dreamed of being. I am accepting that as true and opening up to experience that will shape who I am going to be in 4 yrs which is a really short time to do a lot of changing but what will happen will happen and what wont won't ,and I’m not going to say I can't change that because it is totally my life and I control what happens and what doesn't but I can't change all of it. Because some of it has been set in stone from the first decision I made at the beginning of last yr but I can make the outcome of my choices as favorable as possible so it guides me towards this person I see myself being/ and how I see myself now.

One more thing on the actual blog topic then we can do my life which I know none of you actually want to read about. How do we form these self images because what I look like in my head, how I look in a mirror, and how other people see me are 3 completely different images? I always thought we formed our self images and how we want to see ourselves in our own heads was based of personality charatistic we value along with the physical aspects that we visual find pleasing. I know I have always valued light skin over dark but not pale more like a cocoa butter or a woven basket type color. So when I see myself in my head I’m defiantly darker in real life than I am in my head I mean that always made it easier to draw myself in grade school I got to be the " pretty brow crayon" vs. the " ugly" one.  But I until know I have never question why even at a young age did I value one crayon over another. So when you drew yourself or if you drew your ideal self right now what would it look like and why do you think looking like that is prettier that how you look now. Just think about it.

Skittle's life is aright I guess. It is warmer now and I like it and I hate it I like it cuz that means I can give less of a hoot when getting dress I no longer have to wear pants a coat a sweat shirt gym shoes socks.  So much less clothing :) that I have to care if I am wearing. Also I don't have to adjust as much the only thing I have to know is if I need an umbrella or not cuz now the forecast will read hot as hell with a chance of heat stroke or hot as hell with a chance of being electrocuted by the sky.  I like that the girls are wearing less and the hot guys go shirtless cuz we sexy and we know it :) I like being able to go to the beach and having a legit reason to look like a whore. (Cuz it is hot as hell with a chance of heat stroke)  I like the fact that I can cook outside: D and sleep outside and chill outside and that the sun doesn’t set till like8 it is so beautiful. I like riddin' round the city with my speaker blasted and going to parties for booty shaking. The one thing that ruins it all for me is that every gangster, scrub, convict, dope boy, or just in general random guy thinks he can halla. They be like ehh yo shawty can I talk to you for a min. No you can't talk to me ehh yo don't work on me and you don't know me like that to be calling me shawty. Leave me alone I don't want no scrub. If you can't walk next to me and say hello miss my name is _ what’s yours? I don't want to know what your name is what your number is and no you can't know mine. You’re not my type so have a nice day Booboo. Lol but everything else about summer is great. I just hate all the attention I get from the wrong places.

stay fierce