Daily struggles

My seasonal affectiveness disorder has kicked in so I'm self-isolating and hibernating. I have almost completed my winter checklist

✔️1) cancel all plans

✔️2) do not make any future plans

✔️3) stop talking to almost all friends

4) quit the gay

Daily struggles

I want to quit the gay. Keep my sexuality but leave the community for a bit. I need a break

Daily struggles

In honor of national coming out day I would like to share a moment I had with my brother recently.

*Me chasing him round and round in circles*

Me *yelling*: tell me you're gay!

Him *yelling*: never!

Me: I ALREADY KNOW YOU'RE GAY!

Him: I know.

Me: so come back here and tell me you're gay!

Him: NO!

Me: *screaming*

Me: I'm going to catch you and when I do you will confess you're gay!

Him: you'll NEVER catch me and I'll NEVER tell!

*Me still chasing him round in circles*

Skittles: not a vaild human

I never feel like I'm enough. Never black enough. Never poor enough. Never smart enough. Never disabled enough. Never depressed enough. Never gay enough. Never trans enough. Never non binary enough. Never bisexual enough. Never historically female enough. Never survivor enough. Never person of color enough. Never activist enough. I don't feel like I deserve to take up the space I occupy. I hate the words deserve, worthy, and entitled. It feels like the privilege that makes me uncomfortable. It feels like the white people black twitter makes fun of. It feels like the toxic masculinity that tells men they can't be sad so those feelings become violence.

There a lot of places where I don't feel like enough. This is demonstrated in my willingness to be treated like less than a person. In my bed. In my house. With my family. With my friends. On the bus. On the train. At a restaurant. Walking down the street. Riding a bike. Driving the car. Always in the presence of police. With other queer people I don't know. With other trans people I don't know. With other people of color I don't know. In spaces for people color. In spaces for people with disabilities. In spaces for trans people. At the gay bar. At pride. At the bus stop where I wrote this but also in general at bus stops. At work. At the beach. In the theater. At the store. At the doctor. At the pool. In the shower. In any gender specific bathroom. At the gas station. At school. In the library

The only time I feel like enough is on a plane. Which I think is weird. I never feel bad for fighting over the armrest. I always take over the outlet with my charger. My leg room is mine. It's got to be between 9:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m for me to tolerate the use of the overhead light. And this is never happened but I would say something if the person next to me was being too loud.

I don't know what makes me feel like a vaild human trapped in a pressurized metal machine 9,000m in the air. Maybe it's the fact that I can't disappear without someone noticing. Maybe it's because if I died someone would take note. Maybe it's because no passenger is more important than another, no matter what. Maybe it's because the expectations of me for the duration of the flight are minimal. Maybe it's because I don't have to be hyper aware. The ability to avoid danger is out of my control. Maybe it's the lack of control.

I would like it to be because I'm above the world and all of it's problems are below me. I wish it was something so poetic and profound. Years from now if I find out that they have been putting drugs in the air of planes to keep people under control and I will have my answer. But it is simply what it is. I never feel more human than when I'm flying. I never feel more alive then when I'm under water and can't breathe.

Skittles: thinking about loneliness as a hunger

I think millennials are largely impoverished because we lack what we need to thrive. We're not cooking. We either don't have the time to cook healthy meals or don't have the money. We work too much or not enough to cook. Our water is full of toxins. In the US most of our major cities pipes are lead. Very old lead pipes that are poisoning us all. They did a study drinking water in Chicago public schools and found that it had high levels of lead in them. The water is not safe but wine is. Millennials are drinking less because alcohol but are still in danger of alcoholism. We drink a lot, socially. We also drink a lot of coffee. We need the caffeine to stay awake because we're over worked and/or depressed. On top of all of that we don't have meaningful fulfilling relationships. I'm not talking just romantic relationship. We need healthy, serious, long-term platonic relationships too. These platonic relationships need a level of physical non sexual intimacy. If we aren't eating healthy, our water is dangerous, we have alcohol or caffeine addictions, and we're lonely as hell. I don't think anyone is thriving in those conditions. This is an  inferior quality of life which constitutes being impoverished.

How come when we're hungry for food nobody says maybe you should sit with the feeling until you are okay with starving. But when you're hungry for companionship you have to one how to be alone first. Loneliness is as much of a hunger as thirst and sleepiness. Humans are social creatures and in this age of isolation the need for connection is as necessary as eating and drinking clean water. However, getting that connection is becoming as hard as eating healthy and drinking clean water. We are all hooking up to feel something just like we're eating fast food just to eat. We use GrubHub, Seamless, Door Dash, Tindr, Bumble, and Match all to fill a hunger.

We are more understanding of unhealthy eating habits and we treat the underlying cause. We don't want people starving themselves or binge eating. We generally don't excuse excessive drinking either (of any beverage not just alcohol). Just like people develop unhealthy hunger or thirst we also develop unhealthy loneliness. But unless it gets extreme we don't really do anything about it. If it's not an abusive relationship we don't really try to fix it. Our hook-up culture is already extreme. It's a shows a we have epidemic of loneliness. It's unhealthy but we aren't trying to fix it. We have such a focus on romantic relationships we forget that it's important to have friends too. We have friends but only virtually. That's extreme. It's all unhealthy and we should be working to be better.

We are all trying to be so independent and not need anyone. We don't want to get hurt and don't want to be dependent. It's almost like if we want any kind of consistent connection with someone that makes us vulnerable. We don't want someone to have that power. But we are suppose to be connected. We can not survive completely isolated. We are coping by having plants and pets but it's not the same. We should get hugs everyday. We should hold hands. We should have an abundance of meaningful touch through out the day.We have so much technology that allows us to be so connected we forget the importance of physical connection. Snuggling, cuddling, locking arms, rubbing someone's back, resting on someone's lap, any innocent touch.

Daily struggles

I get drunk and gush about how amazing, talented, loving, supportive, and pretty my friends are.

Daily struggles

Little girl saw me with my back pack. Her dad was telling her to bring home her folder everyday. I told him my dad used to make me bring all my school books home everyday and that it made a difference in my life. Then I told her what I'm going to do once I'm done with school. She was like engineers can make anything and was so impressed. I confidently replied yes and watched her little head explode

Skittles: the queer tribe

I don't know much about indigenous cultures. I need to learn in order to find and learn about my heritage. So I know nothing. I don't know if we're doing it right or if we're even allowed to do it. But a group of queer indigenous people who are disconnected from their people formed a tribe. For example a queer person who is Navajo may not have any other Navajo people to celebrate with, to be in community with. So they bring their tradition to our group and do it with us. I can't find my any of my great-grandmothers' records. I know 2 of my great grandmother's  were 100% indigenous. But I can't find out which tribe either of them belong to so I am joining the group. I get to have a tribe. We have a leader we're learning different languages and traditions. We're spending a lot of time together. We are really helping each other. I think this is going to be a really beautiful development in my life. I've always wanted this. I have people and I'm so happy.