Skitt: Color me Black Broken Blue

I'm exploring this new potential relationship and so far it's going really well. It really seems like this could be healthy and good for me and her. The biggest obstacle so far is me. I am not use to being the problem. Or being the one that needs to be fixed/healed/get their shit together. I'm not saying I've been perfect in my past relationships. We all know that's not true. But I'm not use to being the main problem, the only problem, and the source of the problem. I'm honestly so embarrassed and ashamed. 

The issue is I'm dissociating a lot and we (new person and I). We (therapist, her, and I) think it is I have lost the ability to compartmentalize and striking myself at work and arrive by family is causing me emotional distress. She cares for me, shows up, is present, communicates so, and tries her best (which is beyond whatever is needed, called for, wanted, or even dreamed possible). I thought I felt really safe and protected in this new situation. Intellectually and physically I definitely do. However, my feelings are a lot harder to get a read on. Along with really liking her and all the feelings that come with new relationships and attractions. I'm also uncomfortable about being vulnerable, taking care of, and all this new stuff I've never had before. I am always feeling a lot whenever I'm around her. It's overwhelming to be honest. So I'm not feeling everything. It's a lot to process.

My therapist thinks that I'm feeling a lot because I'm not used to being taken care of, being wanted but not needed, being safe, and not having to earn love. All of that is true. I can't even deny it. I've known all of that is true for awhile. I've even said the words out loud but it's never been real until now. Now I'm physically living the difference. And OH MY!!! What a difference it is! It's so different but I really like it. It's so different that I don't want anything else anymore. I don't want to be anyone else other than the person I am with her. I can't fit back into the boxes I would put myself for others so that they would love me. 

It does make me wonder why I couldn't just have this all along. It makes me question myself. Ask myself what was I doing wrong. The answer is nothing. I needed to work on my self-worth, I still do but that doesn't make people love you. That would make me love me and know my value. Which helps me not tolerate people loving me incorrectly. It would have prevented some of the trauma but not all. I haven't always loved correctly. I know that. It is something that I have to learn. But, I've always been deserving of being loved and cared for. Everyone is deserving. Not getting that for so long makes me feel like I've missed out. I feel inadequate and incompetent. Like everyone else is in on the joke but not me and I'm the punchline. It hurts to know what I've been missing. I've always known I've been missing it but I didn't know what it was like so I couldn't really be hurt by it, be sad about it, or even begin understand what it feels like. 

I really want to know. Now that I have felt a little bit I do really want to know. I'm just hoping that it isn't too late to learn. That I'm capable of learning. That I can physically adjust. Because sometimes with the body you just miss your window. If you don't do it then you'll never get it. Never is a really long time.