skittles: how far you'll go going nowhere

I'm a control freak. I don't know if that comes through much. But I make extensive detailed life plans for myself. Despite never being unsettled when things do not go according to plan, I still feel a need to make them. I make plans out of compulsion to maintain control over the often uncontrollable. I continue to make them about the far future contrary to all of my experience which should have made me give this habit of futility up. And yet here we are. 

I am disconcerted with my relationship with Bockor. It's such a low maintenance relationship. We live in different cities and see each other maybe four times a year. We talk at most everyday, at least once a month. We don't need to see each other or talk all the time to be happy. We actually like our space from each other. Bockor likes their space from everyone. I can count on one hand the number of people they have a positive affinity for and still have fingers left. Yes including myself. Our relationship doesn't need much. I think that's because it can't produce much potential. It's not going anywhere. We're never going to get married, move in together, or raise kids. We're not trying to accomplish anything together. We're don't have plans to do anything together in future. We are completely satisfied to keep "dating" forever. We both have plans for our own lives which we share with the other. Not asking for support but just so the other knows.The foreseeable plan for the relationship is being happy casually together.

That just doesn't sit well with me. It feels disconcerting. I don't know how to proceed without goals. I don't know how to not be constantly progressing. I achieve, grow, and move forward. I can sit still but only for so long. This is neither of those situations. It's a type of perpetual motion but you don't go anywhere. Its perplexing to think about moving but staying in place. I understand it of course. I've seen stationary bikes and treadmills. I am also a lap swimmer so the practice is not completely foreign to me. But as life plan, it is very confusing. Because it's not the absence of a plan. There is a plan. The plan is to maintain current conditions. Which has a goal but, the goal is the same as the last one. There's no change. It's relationship stasis. 

Which might be fine if we've achieved everything we've wanted together.  If we had done it all. But we've done nothing. There's nothing at all for us to do. Actually there's nothing we want to do. I feel like relationships build, grow, and progress. This one isn't doing that. For me that's a two part problem. Part one is you set goals because you want something. I don't want anything more from this relationship. It's giving me everything I want. I am all but fulfilled. Which leads to part two. Part two I feel like my relationship needs to be going somewhere. 

I know some of you are going to read this and think this is like marriage. But it's not. It's two people who have agreed to build a life together. Each person as they live continues to set goals for their own life only to have to make that work with a joint life plan. Bockor and I don't have that problem. We can change careers, move, and have other life events happen with no effect on the other person. We are both completely independent of the other. We can live our lives with no effect on our relationship. We have to maintain a status quo but there is no threat to that status quo. There's no challenge in doing so.

So why am I so upset by my cake walk of a relationship.

1. Why do I need a challenge?

2. Why do I need to "do" something? 

3. Why do I need some type of change? 1. I don't know. I like things to be easy and yet. 

2. I can't sit still. I lied earlier. I constantly fidget. I'm very anxious and I have a lot of energy that I need use. Or I can't sleep at night and write blog post at three in the morning only to wake up at seven am feeling fully rested.

3. I hate change. I deal with change... What's worse than poorly? Whatever it is that's how I deal with change. That's why I've only live in 2 place in my adult life. So I really don't know what the last bits about either. 

I can set a goal but then that's changing everything about the relationship. If I set a goal that's not already effortlessly fulfilled then that changes the fundamental core of the relationship. The relationship is so inertial and effortless. The perpetual motion the relationship is in meets all of our wants and needs except this one thing of mine. That's why we both like it so much. Nothing has ever been so easy. I ask Bockor all time if there needs have changed. There answer is always when there needs change I meet them with out even having to be asked. This is not something I'm actively trying to do. It just happens. They ask me if I need anything more from the relationship and I'm always getting exactly what I want and need as well. Bockor and I both are here because we adjust seemlessly to the other without even trying. That and we care about each other obviously. 

Other than talk to Bockor about my illogical feelings I don't think there's anything that can be done to fix my feelings. I think that the feeling will either subside as a growing pain of something new, I'll figure out what's actually bothering about this relationship, or the feeling will stay and won't bring any clarity and I'll break up with Bockor because of it. This has been on my mind for a bit but I haven't given it any real thought until now. Not that I'm any closer to an answer after three hours of writing down my thoughts. Like my relationship I live and let live unchanged. Which is equally frustrating. 

Ps 

This was partly brought on by all the plans I'm making with my girlfriend. I Don't like the name I gave her so I'll probably change that. And when I say partly I mean completely. Because we ( she) keep going back and forth on whether we want kids or not. Kids means I probably break up with Bockor. Not because it would effect them but because I can only be in a romantic relationship with so many people and I would obviously choose the three other parents my children. But if my girlfriend and I didn't have kids then we'll just be happily openly married. Which means a future for Bockor and I. And I just want definitive plan on kids. After that I'll probably feel better. Ideally. Hopefully.

Skittles: partners

I had 3 partners 

1. LL's for lex Luthor. for like 2 years

2. Eta Carinae. for a month

3. Bockor. a year

But LL's and I broke up

skit: covid-19 and math

So Chicago is part of this county called Cook county. As of today Cook county has 368759 reported reported covid cases. Cook county has a population of approximately 5.5 million people. I did some math and a few things happened. 

One I found out about 1 and 13 people have covid19. My immediate thoughts were I really need these numbers to be more divisible. Like one in 10, a fifth, an eighth, or half. The part of my brain that likes pretty math is very strong. For a whole 5 minutes I forgot that this was not a second grade in a vacuum math problem that is never going to happen in real life. This is real life. Then I thought to myself one in 20, 1 and 50, 0 out of a 100. Like I said the part of my brain that likes pretty math is very strong. 

Second thing I thought was 1 and 13 is not too bad. 13 is a Baker's dozen. If one donut out of the 13 were poisonous and would kill me I'd still risk it. Especially the rest of the donuts are delicious. But then I thought if one and 13 people were murderers I probably stay in the house. Like if the New York times reported one in 13 people in Cook county are committing bioterrorism I'd never leave the house. I'd be terrified That's a lot of people. But if I was bit by one out of every 13 dogs I petted I'd still pet dogs. actually that probably depends on how bad I was bitten each time. If it's like a scratch then yeah no I'm still petting the dogs. If I'm losing a finger I might reconsider. 

My third and final thought was we really do need to frame it like we're losing fingers and people are committing bioterrorism. Because when I thought about it like donuts or chocolates it didn't seem so bad. But when I thought of it like serial killers quarantining got a lot easier. Thinking about it like everyone's out to get you much like Amoung Us really makes me much less likely to go outside. It kind of makes me feel like I'm trying to survive the purge. So think of it less like a inconvenient pandemic that we're all sick of and more like a really long purge that we're all trying to live through. Zoom meetings become way more tolerable when you're trying to avoid being murdered. 

Re:Skittles: thinking about loneliness as a hunger

I once wrote a post called thinking about loneliness as a hunger. And I was very upset about it because of the way people talk about being in relationships and how you have to sit with your loneliness. But now I have a better understanding of what what people meant when they say sit in your loneliness. LL's is currently struggling with a decision. It's mostly because he doesn't know what he wants. And now I understand why people say sit in your loneliness. And it is very much similar to being hungry the analogy that I made in the first post. Nobody tells you just sit and starve yourself. Which is how I thought about. When people say maybe you should just be by yourself a while and sit in your loneliness in my head that was saying go without food. However, sitting in ones loneliness is less starve yourself and more figure out what you want to eat. Sitting in your loneliness is just about figuring out what you want. just like sitting with your hunger is figuring out what you want to eat. And so I was right where loneliness is a type of hunger but it is not one that always needs to be immediately substantiated. Much like actual hunger. Sometimes it's best to ponder what you really want. So I find myself telling LL's to sit in their loneliness to figure out what he wants. when you're hungry it's not about what other people want to eat It's about what you want to eat and when you're lonely I think that we often don't put ourselves first. We don't think about what we want. We think about what others want. We should treat loneliness the same way we treat hunger. It's about what you want to eat , its about what you want. Because I do think you do yourself a disservice when you're hungry and you just eat whatever's there, available, or the first option you come across. Because the feeding your hunger does not give you any gratification. You've eaten and your full but you're unfulfilled. So when you're hungry you need to take the time to figure out what you actually want to eat so that you feel satisfied. Similarly in loneliness I think people say sit in your loneliness so that you can figure out what you really want. Once you know what you really want then you make that decision. A decision that is truly satisfying.