Skittles: it's all in my head

I have a tendency to catastrophize. I think it is how my creativity chooses to manifest itself. Outside of imagining the worst I cannot create to save my life. My artistic skills are in short supply with a non-existent demand. 

A while back I convinced myself that Lovely had broken up with me as a friend. It turns out when she said she was really busy and didn't have time for me it was because she was really busy. I thought she didn't want to be friends for forever and she just meant it's a bad time at the moment. I am a really needy friend when it comes to her. I do not demand to be the center of attention or have all of her time but I do demand to be the center of attention for a little bit. If I don't get my one-on-one lovely time where I am her main focus I get upset. So it is very important that she communicates to me when she doesn't time for me. Because if I come visit and I don't get my one-on-one time I will be angry. We will fight. It will be bad (I feel like the next thing I should say is there will be blood but they won't be.)

So when I stopped talking to her she assumed I threw a tantrum and was mad at her. She figured I'd either cool down and start talking to her again or she would sort it out when she saw me in 2 months. I told her I assumed that she was friend breaking up with me. Then instead of follow through with the whole it's not you it's me she just ghosted me. So we made up but not really. Of course I'm excited to be wrong and still have her in my life. She's means so much to me. But I still feel miles away from her and I really am.

Here's the thing. I had already decided that our relationship was over and started the grieving/break up process. I've put up walls that I can't just tear down. I've cried. I've change my phone background. I've written shitty break up potetry. I go to the gym! I got all the way to the point where I'm trying to decide who gets what the property (objects) we both own. Which is right before change you're hair. I was almost over her and now she's back. Truthfully she never left I was just crazy. But am I just suppose to pretend like none of my moving on happened?

I don't even know if I can tell her went this is hard. What would I even say:

I thought you ghosted me because I'm crazy and that's what I do. So since our relationship was over I've moved on. Expect this whole time it was just a lack of communication and me being crazy. So I still want to be friends. I want to pick up where we left off. But I've done all this emotional work. So I'm for me you're in a very different place emotionally and psychologically then you were when you said you were busy. Even though you did nothing wrong and I completely made up you're negative feelings towrds me in my head. Basically we are a different type of friends now. If you're willing we can figure out what that looks like together?

NO!!. I would rather be this. Arms-length friendship is statistical better for the long run. I'm going to cry about being wrong but stay the course. I don't know if Lovely is here too stay?

Skittles: emo trans spie

Going through an emo rebirth. I was never the type to wear eye liner, dye my hair black, paint my nails black, wear chains, Vans/Converse, and wear all black. But still the emo kid. Outside of the aesthetics of being emo I've got it all down. I have a lot of feelings I just don't show it. I never grew out of my teen angst. I love the music. I stand out in the down pour of the rain screaming, crying, and just generally falling apart. I make mountains out of mole hills cuz I feel everything at 10. I'm going through it all again but like as a 30 year old which feels gross. However I'm still very much attracted to that aesthetic on people my age. Even though I feel gross about it I look at someone else doing it I'm just like "HOT❗💯🔥" I keep thinking I should date another emo person. but I immediately come to my senses because if I did it would just be two people crying all the time. I am listen to a emo playlist right now writing this. 🤘🏿

I'm also struggling being non binary. Not with being non binary itself, cuz I've got that "What the fuck is gender? Why do have to have one? Oh, I've been assigned one by the government since birth? Okay, I might have lost it. Where is that pesky thing? It's got to be here somewhere." Which is the quintessential non-binary experience. No gender feels I have could possibly invalidate my non-binary gender experience just because of what I understand my non binary gender to be. However, being non binary technically makes me trans as well and I struggle with that. Cuz I feel like I'm doing being trans wrong all the time. it doesn't help that I am black and fem looking because it means I instantly get written off as a black trans woman and I'm not that. So I feel like an undercover invasive inner looper. I'm in a space in not supposed to be. But I also sometimes get written off as a black trans guy and I'm not that either. I have a lot of complicated feelings around what it means to be a black male and a lot of complicated feelings around masculinity. So I feel equally uncomfortable being identified as male just from the standpoint of being raised female and having that type of relationship with masculinity. Because I'm technically trans I feel bad about my feelings about my body all the time. Like when I have a good titty day ( a day where I don't want to get my boobs chopped off) I feel like that invalidates my trans-ness. I feel like appreciating my boobs makes me more cisgender because I was born with boobs. I also I hate myself when I feel like I don't not look masculine enough. That feels wrong too specifically in a trans way.  It feels unauthentic because I'm not that type of trans. I feel like a liar. I know that there's no right way to be trans especially being non binary. But it feels like there is a right way to do it and I'm not doing it right. It constantly feels like at any moment everyone's going to turn around and out me as the faker that I am. I would agree with them even though I know I'm not faking. I would believe everyone as they called me a liar because I feel like 1. 

daily struggles

For the first four days of Black history month I'm posting on different things that black people have accomplished. And then on the 5th day I'm going to say we did nothing and that's it's completely fine. We deserve a chance just to live and not have to be excellent all the time. We deserve a break. Even God took a day to rest. We are diverse, valid, and whole people. We struggle, we hurt, we get weary, we get angry, we get depressed, we have joy, and we deserve to be the full people we are.  not just black girl magic, black boy joy, black excellence. but like black girl exhausted, black boy sad. black meeting-standards