skit: I accidentally let people in and they didn't use it to hurt me, yet.

I am not neurotypical. I have never been neurotypical. Not before my official diagnosis of chronic mental heath illness or even before the onset of any of there symptoms. When I was a child I struggled with language. I talked early, and  processed books well above my grade level for years. But everything else that goes into language, the physical aspect, subtle hints in written communication, emojis, slang, abbreviations, grammar, spelling, roots, tones, and writing I don't naturally get it the way a neurotypical person does when it's their native tongue. I have a language processing disorder. 

I spent a lot of years in therapy to learn to cope. Therapy is there not only to help me deal with the frustration of not being able to communicate "properly" but also to develope skills that make up for what I  naturally lack. An example of a coping mechanism, a skill that makes up for what one naturally lacks, is a deaf person learning to read lips. (Not saying deaf people are lacking or their struggle is equivalent to mine. Just talking about coping mechanism.) So many years in occupational therapy trying to understand how yes could really mean no. What I really learned was how to manipulate people. 

Only recently am I trying really hard to understand a select few around me. It's so hard!!!!! I spend so much time thinking about everything trying to figure exactly what they mean. Then gaining the courage to ask if I'm right. While also figuring an excuse that would require me to ask if I'm right cuz it's something everyone else just send to get. Like is everyone happy at a birthday party actually? If so why? I have been hiding this disability for years. Most of my friends don't know I have it. My best friend knows. Friends that I made in school that I saw at the student office for disabilities know. My friends with "apparent" disabilities also know. But that's really it, until now. I recently was so stressed out that I didn't have the energy required to keep up my facade. I stopped trying to understand and just plainly stated what ever it was I needed to communicate. This shocked everyone around me. To which I said "I don't have time right now to center and focus your mind. I have a language processing disorder that impacts my language abilities. I do a really good job at hiding then cuz I'm a great liar and an even better manipulator. I'm trying ty be more authentic with y'all. I don't lie to all but I do keep secrets and selectively omit things." They just rolled with it. 

Of course I'm worried that they just think I'm making up excuses. I understand the doubt. From the outside I look like a highly social person. I enjoy people but it is a lot of work for me. I wouldn't do it if there wasn't the significant benefit for me. If I've been doing it all my life why is it so hard? Generally speaking it's not. If I'm talking to strangers or people I don't care about them it's requires about the same energy as it does for me to leisurely swim about. I can do it in my sleep. That's because I'm not trying to understand all the subtext. I'm looking for basic things a sense of being uncomfortable, angry, or sad. If it's not one of those then I haven't screwed up the conversation and I haven't missed anything. With people I care about I'm trying to read all the cues, for everything, all the time. When they change their facial expressions, I'm trying to figure out why and what the new expressions means. I'm trying to listen for changes in their voice. Everything they do is important and needs to be broken down so I can better understand them. Then when I understand the next part is figuring out how to communicate back. They may not like to be communicated back to in the way that they communicate with everyone else. So mimicking does not always work. I talked back to every person exactly in the style I've created specifically for them. I have to remember the style that I've created for them, updated that style when the person changes, and also update how the person externally communicates as that changes as well. So yeah it's hard and it's a lot and it's all in my head. Cuz for some reason people think it's creepy when you keep notes on them. 

They are all reacting well though. I have a lot of fear around being vulnerable with others. But so far so good. They know now and they understand me better. It's all working out.