P.S: What I meant to say

Content trigger warning:
Suicide
Suicidal ideation
Sexual violence
Physical violence
Rape
Death talk

Lovely,

Thank you for letting me visit. Thank you for trying to save me. Thank you for loving me even when its hard. I'm broken. I was broken when you met me. I've continued to break down since then. I'm sorry, I didn't want to ask this off you. I know its too much. I keep very few trusted confidants. It makes it easier to keep secrets. It makes it hard to get support. I never learned to trust. I'm trying to learn. The few people I do keep either turn against me and I have to end them in everyway possible expect physically. Or they die. Before I got to college I got tired of going to funerals. I keep a small inner circle because I can only stand so much loss. It also takes forever for me to open up. Some people in my life have been there for 10 years and still don't know me as well as you do. I want you to know your emotional labor is greatly appreciated. It means more to me than you'll ever be able to comprehend. I will never be able to repay you but I will try.

I have actually pulled people from the water when they were drowning, complete strangers. That's been my job since I was 15. I have saved my friends' lives countless times. I am the person people run to when thighs go wrong. I've been doing that since 4th or 5th grade. Right after thier heart breaks, when they are in trouble, when they aren't safe, when they are going through it mentally, or when they need something handled people call me. I save. I get calls in the middle of the night and I get in my car. I have gotten on countless planes for people. Who saves me though? Just two people. You and my bestfriend. I try to keep your load light. When I've messed up and I'm metaphorically covered in blood I never thought I'd show up at your door. Husband number 7 has always been the one to help me get ride of everything. I'm suppose to go to him. For this I couldn't though. He didn't understand. I want you to know I'm a  meticulous planner. I worry and plan for the worst. I have plans for everything from nuclear war, natural disasters, all the way to deaths and being a fugitive/ enemy of the state. I didn't have a plan for this. I didn't know what to do or have some else to turn to.

I am a sexual violence and rape survivor. I never thought I would be here. I have very few regrets in my 24 years of life. I think I had two before this. This is makes three. I can see myself doing a lot as I've been through a lot. I have a history of violence. I got into serious fights (like imagine tv prison fights) growing up. For all but two altercations, I would black out. I always remember asking whoever was picking on me to leave me alone. I would ask other people to tell them I'm just having a bad day and tomorrow they can pick on me all they want. I would say please don't touch me. "Not today, any day but today. Please I don't want to fight." I would usually say. I was never fighter if I was picked on or beat up I would just take it usually. But about once a year I would have a bad day and they wouldn't leave me alone. Then the next thing I remember when I got into fights is being in the principles office crying and usually bloodly, not my blood. At this point the principal had already called my mom and/or Dad. The Police were usually in the room standing in the back or outside of the door. When I came to I eventually stopped being shocked. My mom/Dad would yell at me on the phone and ask what did I do. My answer was always I don't know/ I can't remember. My parents or the principal would be the first to give me a one or two sentence synopsis of what I did. From kindergarten to 8th grade I was bullied/tormented mercilessly. I got the one by the year except for  when I was in 7th grade. For 7 years  ones that stand out the most in those 7 years are when I beat a kid with a chair, broke a girl's leg and dislocated that same knee cap, beat up/ sent to the hospital three brothers on the playground all older than me, and I left a permanent scar of my initials on the back of one girl's neck . I don't remember any of this but I was told by the principal, my parents, the police and everyone at school. If everyone had the same story of time that I don't remember then its the truth or I live in a black mirror episode. I remember one plan my childhood best friend and I planned that was violent. I remember that same bestfriend and I getting into a fight before I went to a different highschool. I remember those two things better than yesterday. Its like a DVD in my brain that I can play anytime. This is being added to the collection of trauma.

This was never something I thought I could do.  Its destroying me. I didn't make it to pick you up from work because I spent three hours picking. My foot is bloody. I couldn't walk because it hurt and my leg cramped from the way I had it positioned. I ate which is a victory but I still wake up in the middle of the night crying. I reached out to you and you where either hot (I hope you were just hot), or you secretly hate me/don't trust me/ don't feel the same way about me any more. Which is fine. I would/will understand considering. Know that no matter what you decide to do from this point on, I'm glad we are/were friends. Thank you for always being there.
Love,

J-Skittles

I will never send this to them. I don't want them to worry. This very much sounds like a suicide goodbye letter and its not. I also don't want them to know I'm self mutilating. I just want them to know that I wouldn't have asked this of them if I had anyone else. I'm trying not to die. Its really hard. I already wanted to die. When I was with V I was happy and still wanted to die. I just didn't want to want to die when I was with V.  Now I really want to die. I don't have anything in me that doesn't want to want to die. My brain keeps telling me I deserve to die. It also says this is the perfect time. Everyone will understand how I end up dead becuase of what's going on. I have no reason to fight, but I am. I keep telling myself:
1) Death is the easy way out. You can't learn and do better if you're dead. V wants me to learn and do better.

2) I don't deserve to die over this.

3 ) My brain says I'm a monster. My brain is sick and this is making it worse. I am nothing like the people who hurt me. I didn't mean to and I didn't know. I know that if it had been diffrent I wouldn't be here because I'm not a moster. Live and remind yourself you're not a monster.