I use to end almost every birthday in tears. Bring new meaning to "its my birthday, I'll cry if I want to." I would try every year to not end in tears. Despite all my preparation and hard work from 7-18 all ended in tears. Disappointment or just exasperated with still being alive I would cry. Every year I'm met with the same overwhelming existential dread. Why am I still here? I never thought I would make it this far. What am I supposed to do now? I didn't plan for this. Where do I go from her? My suicidal ideation doesn't really allow for long term planning. The farthest out I ever plan is 6 months, that's only for conference season. My 5 year plan would include my death so I don't plan. Every year I'm forced to reconcile my extreme dismay about my continued existence. I don't cry any more. At 19 I started to celebrate the fact that I made it this far despite all odds and very much not wanting to be here. I've been getting high since 21 and it helps with the suicide feelings. I also review the past year. I've been putting that off this year. 23 sucked. I broke up with Amoriartii and that consumed most of my year. I also started my relationship with Vendetta. That is all that happened this past year. My mental health kicked my butt from December to now. Life has been a struggle. I basically spent the year realizing there are a lot of skills I need. Out of all of then the skills I would like to work on at 24 are as follows: walking away, knowing when to quit then actually quiting, being less emotionally attached, and being honest about my feelings with people I know I can trust. I get a lot of praise for not being a quitter. Yet no one seems to recognize the adverse effects that has most of the time. It means not being able to walk away from toxic situations becuase you think it will get better or think that you can fix it. It means living with abuse becuase you won't let the abuser beat you.
I spent a lot of time thinking about how I'm like a fire. I'm a fire sign, fire is my element, my aora, and also dominates my zodiac. I am wild and often uncontrollable, extremely powerful, and can easily get out of hand. I often feel like I'm to much for people and my loved onse. I don't want to burn them or consume them. How do you cuddle or be friends with something so dangerous? On the other hand how do I keep people from controlling me to the point of suffocating? I don't want to smoother and put out. Balance is a hard thing to come by in my life.
The other part of me spent a lot of time thinking about water. Similarly powerful, life giving, easily abused, and goes with the flow. I hate/love the water. Its so calming to me. It goes on for what seems like forevere. It is similarly dangerous and consuming. I think a lot about drowning in it. Not just in a suicidal way, but in a peaceful way. I think about becoming one with the water. Letting the world shape me, while slowly shaping it back.
My goal for this year of my life is to maintain and grow the healthy relationships I have. I've been putting a lot of work into have healthy relationships with lots of communication and expressing feelings in positive way. I want to pursue that. Here's to 24. Wish me luck?
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