Daily struggle

My brain is really sick today

Skit: I'm suicidal but I'm okay

National suicide prevention hotline
1 800-273-8255
Chat online

Trans Lifeline ( for trans, gender creative,  non binary,  gender queer, gender fluid,  two spirit, agender, anything but binary cisgender people)
18775658860

Trevor Project ( for LGBTQ identified people)
866-488-7386
To text: Text "Trevor" to 1-202-304-1200 
3pm-10pm eastern standard time
Chat online 3pm-10pm eastern standard time

Sorry that these are all American numbers. I'm sure if you Google hotlines in your country you should be able to find atleast a suicide prevention number

When ever we think of someone being suicidal we think they have this uncontrollable urge to kill themselves that they will or are acting on.  Sometimes that's the case, but that's usually in its most extreme form. In my exsperice that extreme form of continuous suicidal ideology is really rare. It often takes time and planning to kill yourself. So for someone to be so opportunistic and just looking for every out, I think, is a negligible percent of people living with suicidal tendencies. 

For me it's waking up every day wishing I hadn't. Wishing I would just fall into a coma. Hoping at one of my protest the police make me a martyr. I don't look before I cross the street.  I live my life a little more recklessly that someone in there twenties does. I live for  experiences in the moment.  I don't plan for the future, not even the immediate future, becuase I don't want to get to the future. I live my life one day at a time.  Maybe one month at a time if my depression is in an up swing. 

This is all to say that despite my strong desire to be dead, I am safe.  I don't currently self harm.  I don't cut my wrist, thighs,  or anywhere near blood vessels. When I do cut I give myself paper cuts on my palm and finger tips. I don't cut to draw blood.  I just want to feel pain and have the ability to care for a wound. I pick at my cuticles on all my fingers and toes but I'm trying not to. Often that does end up in a little blood.  I don't do it because I want to hurt myself. I do it for hygiene and just go to far.  I don't have a plan to kill myself. Though I do day dream about my funeral and repass. I have that all planned out.  I've never tried to kill myself. I've always reached out when the feelings of wanting to be dead got to strong.  I usually talk to my best friend, husband #7. He talks me down almost every time.  The one time he couldn't I  checked myself into an inpatient facility for a month. ( I actually did so much better there.  If I could just live there for like 6 months I'm sure I would come out much better, but I don't have money for a long term stay or the time.)

I don't think that my family doesn't love me.  I think my mother doesn't like me but that's differnt and has nothing to do with this.  I don't think they understand but I they want to and they try. My siblings get me better than my parents.  They have always been there for me so I'm still here for them. My little brother is a freshman in college and it would be really messed up if I killed myself while he was away at school. So I promised myself I would hold out until he was done.  But he's my reason to live right now. I know my friends love me.  Even the ones I don't get to see. I get an out pouring of love from them on the regular.

My brain is sick.  I am sick. When the feelings get really strong my body actually begins to shut down.  All of my ER visit for physical health problems correspond with when I feeling most suicidal. For me it's more than just a feeling it's often a physical manifestation like really bad pneumonia or one of my organs beings to shut down. It's really hard to fight a physical illness knowing your body is just responding to your lack of will to live.

I'm not what the media ( tv and movies) portray as crazy.  I am not a danger to myself or others.  I'm not just sad. I can't just snap out of it.  My earliest memories of feeling this way was when I was seven.   I've been like this ever since. I don't think this is a product of my trauma. I think my trauma has exasperated it but I don't think it caused it. Most people don't know I'm suicidal.  My family didn't know till last year and they still don't know I've felt like this for 16 years. Only two of my friends know and they don't know how long this has been going on either. My therapist and psychaiatrist don't know either. 

Why don't I talk about it? People would treat me differnt, or over react everytime I get over emotional. I should tell my doctors but I don't want to be on suicide watch.  You tell them then first they place you on watch for at least 48 hours. Then they being to try to treat it.  I don't have time to be monitored for 2 days, I have things to do. My parents would worry too much and blame themselves for not noticing sooner. When I told them I was suicidal a year ago they went berserk and cut a lot of my privileges that it's taken all year to earn back.  I'm not going through that again.  I would like the support but I need everyone to calm down. 

There is a lot of stigma around mental illness. I think if we could talk about without all the judgement or negative ramifications people would talk about it more.  Instead of doing what they think is best for me they should ask me what I need.  If anyone shares that they have a mental illness it's okay to be concerned.  But that's your feelings they might not need your concern. They might just need your love and support. When I told husband #7 I wanted to die he just talk to me. Like it was normal to feel this way. Like it something we talked about all the time.  He didn't tell my patents. He didn't call the police or an ambulance.  He did ask me if I wanted to die right now or later and if I had tried to kill myself before calling him.  Which is fair.  You need to know if someone has taken action or if they just feel like crap.  I'm sure if I had tried he would have gotten me help. But he didn't over react just becuase I said I wanted to die.  It's hard not to over react but you have to stay calm becuase someone is trusting you when they are in thier darkest moments and how you react is going to determine if they can trust you in the future.  If he had reacted by calling the cops on me I would never reach out to him again. He's stopped me from making plans or acting on plans becuase I trust him and know he's not going to send me to the hospital unless I need it. I'm not saying never take your friends to the hospital or call for an ambulance (they might hate you in the moment for not letting them die but atleast they'll be alive to hate you).  But don't call for police. Ambulance personnel are more capable of handling suicidal people if they have taken pills or cut themselves.  But if they are only making plans try talking to them first.  Be there for them if you can.  If you can't, find someone who can go to them or video chat with them all day to watch them.  Have people send them love so they know they are not alone.  Don't tell people that your friend is suicidal, that's none of there business. Try to divulge as little information as possible to get the person the help they need.  Call the suicide prevention hotline with them. Distract them if that's what they need.  Most of the time I just need to talk about my feelings with someone to feel better. React calmly and try to ask then how you can help.  You can call the prevention line yourself and ask for what you should do. Be there friend becuase that's what they called you for.   

Daily struggles

I've only dated bisexuals.  Like what!?

Skittles: follow up to Amoriartii Withdrawl

I didn't get to go to Amoriartii's birthday dinner.  Not becuase I chose not to go, but becuase instead I had to spend my day in the ER and missed my flight.  But I think it's best this way.  I need to ask them why they felt the need to lie to me so obviously. Or lie to me at all.   I need to know where thier head is at.  I'm not over it.  I don't know if I miss them or miss being a power couple. We could have run a small country together.  We could have accomplished more than we could ever imagine.  I am a builder and a driver.  They have vision and influence.  They could decide were they wanted to go and I could get us there then grow beyond their wildest dreams. I know how to make theoretical reality.  I'm just to lazy  and indecisive to have the fore sight to create my own projects.  So part of me wonders do I miss them or what we could have been.  It's not often I find someone who's ideas I believe in enough to create with them.  They have to bring something I've never seen before to the table.  I don't deal with dime a dozen type people. So I worry that I'm also ruined. I've raised my standards of what I exspect. Are they too high?  I crave the unforgettable. I desire to stand behind, fiercely support, drive, and work with the trail blazers. The ones who are unstoppable but need help with the steps to blaze the new way. I need more one in a million people in my life. Jonesing for a fix.  I'm addicted to bad ass revolutionaries.

Daily struggle

Shout out to all my verse and bottom queers, or really anyone who takes it in the butt.  Quick gross and too much information back story. I went to the doctor on Sunday becuase I was bleeding. They did 3 rectal exams and found tearing in my lining that went up pretty far.  They had to cauterize them to stop the bleeding. Which really hurt. Bleeding wierd but painless.  Treatment extremely painful, but I guess good for me. They suck this device that was about the average size of a penis in my butt using lots of lube. Between that and having the tears cauterized I still haven't recovered like a day later. How do y'all do this? My butt is not made to bottom.

Skittles: Amoriartii withdrawl

This weekend is Amoriartii's birthday and I have been cordially invited to thier birthday dinner.  At first I didn't want to go.  I really couldn't be bothered with the fact that they still love me. I had even already called them and told them I couldn't go.  But then I was sitting on the bus listening to music when Mirrors started playing.  I've always loved this song for Amoriartii and I. We were the epitome of the lyrics and the meaning of the song.  The chourse of the song by Justin Timberlake goes:

'Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm looking right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
Coming back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me

We have spent three years together and planned for forever together.  When we look at each other we just see a reflection of the best of ourselves. We occupy a space in each other's world that no one else can fill. A spot we didn't know was missing until it was filled and we were suddenly whole. It's a space I thought they would always hold. If I can make this friendship work, it's a space I know I will always hold in thier world.  We bring out the best in each other always. We work to be our best for each other.  We made each other stronger by forcing the other to want to face thier fears. Standing by the other's side through the good and bad.  Cheering the other on when they are winning and encouraging the other when they are losing.  We always come back to each other.  When it gets ugly, when one person tries to leave,  when one of us gets scared and runs, we always end up back together. We have been right in front of each other this whole time and the love has always been there.

I want to give it more time and get more space from Amoriartii before I do anything rash. But I don't think this love will die.  I don't think the intensity will lessen over time. I think this will be the first time I go back to someone. I think this will the last time I try and leave them if I do go back.  But I want to try to get over them.

I want it to be over so bad.  I've hurt so much.  But if I let go of the pain all I have is the everlasting joy they bring to my life. The small moments that have ment so much more to me. The times we've danced, the times we've been silly,  all the times we've brought a smile to the other's face.  Sometimes I would look at them, even when I was livid with them or so hurt, and think to myself  they are the love of life. 

Looks like this chapters not quite over yet

Daily struggles

Today's aniexty: first date mixed with surprise period in white pants, with a touch of bad gas through an important meeting.

Skittles: Californian crush

I love sluts. The more promiscuous the better.  California eyes, is this boy who is roommate's with my lesbians in San Fran. He's so gorgeous. 2 problems though.  1) he's gay (has drunken bisexual tendencies but like never sober.  And that's not my MO.) 2) we're both doms (I sub for no one). He's slept with like half of San Fran that is over 21 and under 35. Which has me all like choke me zaddy. I think he's into me but, just like me, he gets bored easy so I'll hit him up when I'm closer to going back. That way we don't tire of each other.  I really want to jump his bones. Why do I always fall for this type.  The one that sleeps around with everyone but me. The one that gets me but is never ready for the real thing.  The one that is physically there but emotionally absent. I'm bad at love.