It's dark in New York city. There are no stars to be seen in Brooklyn. It's just black and empty. The sky feels like I do on the inside. Empty. The sky is meant to have a moon have stars. Be complete in community and with others. My codependent self does not want to change. I don't want be self reliant completely. I'm an "extrovert" ( not really but enough), I need people to recharge. I need community and to be with others to be complete. I'm not meant to stand alone. It's cruel to leave me alone. Humans die with out companionship. We are meant to be social. So why can't I? I go to parties and I freeze. I feel out of place and I need someone to stick to. I operate in this world not caring what others think. But wanting to be liked. But wanting to connect. But wanting to be seen, I mean truely seen. But wanting to hide. But being afraid. But not trusting others from bad pass experiences. But wanting to be wanted. But wanting to be missed. But wanting to be loved. All at the same time so I freeze and get nothing. I'm still afriad. I'm still wary, and I got nothing. I went to a party with a friend and I froze. But they flirted. They cruised. They socialized. They got numbers. They met people. They made out with people. I want that. I want to flirt. I want to kiss. I want to be desirable. I have a lot of problems with this. I wonder is it me, If I was anyone else, but still me on the inside, would I still be lonely? Is it because I'm black? Is it because I'm queer? Is it because I look female? What's wrong with me? Why does no one, not even me, want me? I'm a sky with no stars. Yes I'll be fine on my own but I'll always be empty.
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