I have been reading a lot about intimacy. A lot of people equate intimacy to just physical vulnerability. Taking your close of and having sex. If sex is how you reach extreme levels of intimacy keep doing what works. This post is not to shame one form of intamcy while giving preference to another. Rather I am discoving that there are many types of intimacy that are all vaild. There's the kind I have with my best friend, Husband #7. The ability for me to come as I am with out fear of judgment, knowing that I will always be accepted. He always validates my feelings. He corrects and challenges me when he believes I am wrong. He helps me grow. Always there when I need him. For that he knows he can ask me anything and I will always answer truthfully. He also respects my boundaries and knows all the subjects I'd rather avoid and doesn't bring them up unless absolutely necessary. We cuddle, snuggle, hold hands, pick off each other's plates, drink each other's drinks, share clothes, and are there for each other emotionally. This is completely platonic. We are very close but not in a romantic way at all. Then there is my rather complex relationship with Lovely. It is only complicated by the fact that I am sexually attracted to them. The level closeness that we have is similar to the one I have with my best friend but I can't tell if Lovely feels the same in terms of how close I would say we are. There are times when I think there is no way we could be closer and other times I feel like they are keeping me at arm's length. This is also a very structured relationship with rules and boundaries. As opposed to my relationship with my best friend where we see we are approaching a line and we just run through it and deal with the consequences later. Lovely and I also invest more in little gestures that are deeply meaningful than the grand large ones. I have to be careful with Lovely becuase I do want to jump there bones and I have to reel myself in and do my best to act as their friend. This means while I often crave closeness with them I need to step back becuase my motives are sexual and we aren't there. It sucks but part of intimacy isn't only vulnerability but respect for the other person. So I feel like my relationship with Lovely is my most intimate becuase there is a deep connection, honestly, vulnerability, and the utmost respect for one another. I've also had my romantic and sexual intimate relationships. The one coming to mind is with one of my last girlfriends to date Noche or Day. I can't remember exactly how I referred to her. My romantic and sexual relationships I feel have been my least intimate relationships. I loved Noche one day and then woke up the next and was like no I don't. It takes me much longer to let my walls down when I'm in romantic relationships. I'm a lot more guarded and keep my past to myself. For the most part I avoid it all together. But I am more emotionally communicative. I'm not jealous or possessive inside these relationships. I think that the reason why these relationships lack high levels of intamcy outside of sex is because I am naturally extremely affectionate. It is easy for me to be all over the person(s) I am involved with becuase I do it to people I'm not and most of the time it means nothing. So I have to work harder to establish deep connections with these people and I take my time doing that. I want to know a person inside and out before I open myself up. That way I know if it is even worth me opening up. I'm very cautious. So I know them in a very intimate way but they don't know me. But all those are valid forms of intimacy. To me it's little things, time spent together even if we aren't doing anything, and the sense that the person gets me that defines this connection for me. That connection can form in any type of relationship. You have to find out what makes you feel like someone sees the whole you and work towards establishing meaningful connections inside of whatever type of relationship you think will best foster and nurture that connection.
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