It started in my stomach. A gut wrenching pain. As I read the email I began to feel it. I kept replaying the words in my head long after I deleted the message. The words just stayed on repeat in my head. This went on for a few days. As I kept thinking about it the pain moved to my head. Over thinking and crying gave me splitting headaches that nothing could seem to ease. I couldn't eat, all I could do was work and sleep. Those two things kept me numb. I started abusing ibuprofen. Anything to make me numb on the inside I would've tried. I couldn't drink, my body just couldn't stomach it without any food. I couldn't do other drugs because they would mess with my anti depressant and only make things worse. This went on for a few weeks. I started to pass out from not eating and in the hospital for my liver because of the pain meds. Though I was hurting and slowly falling apart nothing seemed real. I felt as if this would all soon be over and I would have gone through all of this for nothing. Amoriartii would take me back and everything would be fine. I can't wrap my head around being discarded the way I was. I have been there for everything through everything. How could I be so replaceable? The fact that I just can't remove them from my life means their presence still lingers and won't let me heal the way I need to. Like stab wounds in my back it just festers. The pain moved into my bones causing my body to ache. Like when the bitter cold sets in for the winter and you can never seem to be warm enough. It plays the vertebrae of my spine like a torturous piano. My back feels like it's trying to close wounds, willing them to forcefully heal. The tension it carries around feels like 50 pounds on my back. Still I can't take the steps to move on yet. I need closure and am at lost of where to find it. It's true I've been hurting for some reason or another the whole time we were together. It felt like we were never together and I was actually always alone for the 3 years. They were never really with me. But even knowing all that I hurt. I will never get the time back and I can't go back and undo what's been done. After all this the pain moved to my chest not quite my heart but my lungs. With every breath I struggled against a rib cage crushing pain. This pain that came up everytime I herd or saw their name. It subsided for about a month as I had work to do and did not have the time to think about them but it came back with a vengeance with the slight mention of them. I find myself reeling like it just happened yesterday. The wounds are fresh as ever. The pain intensifies as the day grows ever closer that I will have to face them in person. I am no where near ready and the thought brings me great anxiety. What will I say? What will they say? Will we pretend like nothing has happened? Or will we talk? The not knowing is almost as bad as the hurt itself. All my friends are like a dodged bullet and that we we're never right for each other. If we where never right I'd rather be wrong. I feel like I just lost one of the great loves of my life and with feelings that strong how could they be wrong? I keep listening to the same songs on repeat that resonate with my pain. It is like my pain in an auditory form that is pleasant to the ear. With every breath that I fight to take I sing these songs sobbing in the shower. I scream a lot because cathartic and releases a lot of what's pent up. I wish I could bring my self to say their name and not break down. But between the screams and the tears I'll be here calling their name out in the darkness until they come back to me. I once thought that I had nothing associated with them but my conference are empty and emotionally unfulfilling with out them as I found it this year at Creating Change. I'm not crashing the way I normally do because Amoriartii wasn't there. Part of me is happy that they weren't there because I had other emotional things to deal with. But my emotional needs weren't met. I don't think I will ever feel the same about conferences as I have in the pass because my feelings are so tied to them. I will never be able to look at them the same way and I guess that's what I want and need. Right now I look at them with so much romantic love but I need to move to a place where my feelings for them are platonic. This will effect how much I get emotionally out of conferences. I get that people change and stay the same at the same time but I wasn't ready for how Amoriartii's change would heavily directly impact my life. All I can do is try to breath through it but it feels like there are a ton of bricks on my chest. So each breath os a fight. A struggle to resist breakdown.
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