Since I found out I am not the one Amoriartii wishes to wed I've been stuck. I'm in between excited joy and utter despair. The love that they have for Felix and I is inspiring. It's so bright it's consuming. So even when I am hurting the love makes me want to stay. But this time I think I've fallen too deep into the pain to ever come back. I don't know how many times I'm going to say this but I have anxiety and depression. I have feelings so strong they defy my very logical brain. A side of you which you all have yet to see. This blog has actually been a snapshot of my mental health through the years. But I digress. When they said to me that they were going to marry Felix in two years my first thought was I have to be there to document it. I was very drunk. As I sobered up I had a minor panic attack, followed by an uncontrollable crash. I sobbed for an hour unable to move, unable to stop, unable to seek help. The only reason I stopped was because I was interrupted by Amoriartii. I don't know why this hurts me to my core but it does. I'm want to feel happiness for my love's love and I do on some levels. But for the most part I see this as our end. I know that in polyamory the progression of one relationship has nothing to do with another or whether or not it continues. With how I feel now and where I'm at right now I can not continue to love them. The thought alone hurts too much. However, I don't remember what it's like not to be in love with them and I think I will feel empty with out it. I do remember what the pain of love lost feels like though, and I'm not at a place where I'm strong enough to deal with that. I have time. Precious time to learn to be stronger, to love their love, to fill empty spaces in my heart with self love. I want that to be what happens because those are the only livable options. Everything else has a deathly finality to it. I knew from the start that one way or another this love would take my life, but I had hoped in other ways. No matter, our love story would make one hell of a blockbusters with a awesome soundtrack. We are one for the ages. A love that grew in the darkness to overcome it. A love that keeps bringing us back to one another. A love that I could pick out of crowed. Timeless though finite. A love that is unexplainable from the outside the intelligible from inside. Simply XO
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