Skittles: I'm too afraid to hope

This week me and Cyborg entered into a conditionally polyamorous relationship. This came about becuase of my need to be romantic with  Amoriartii. Cyborg is actually the best person becuase rather than give up on our relationship like I expected him to he wants to try. He is very monogamous so giving up on the relationship isn't the right wording of the situation. I don't and would not want Cyborg to comprises himself for me.  I feel like that is partially what is happening though he assures me it's not. I  know that if we try this and it doesn't work Cyborg is out. As heartbroken as I would be, I would rather us end it then one of us compromise ourselves for the other.  However, that leaves me with Amoriartii, and I don’t know if that is a good thing.  I already say I love them and sometimes they say it back. Rarely Amoriartii will say I love you first and I always say it back. I know it's a silly thing to worry about. But to me it shows consistency and let me know how they feel. I feel like I'm in the dark about their feelings. I want to know exactly how they feel about me and how I would fit into thier life before I go any further. I know we can't tell what the future holds but it makes me uncomfortable not knowing and being so close to a romantic relationship. I'm too afraid to hope for a relationship with Amoriartii becuase it could end me.  I'm so in love that it last forever or it hurts forever. I want to be in  Amoriartii's life for the rest of our lives but if we end poorly I can't say I could even handle being acquaintances. I'm scared of what the rest of the year will bring for both Cyborg and I, Amoriartii and I, Cyborg and Amoriartii, and Félix (Amoriartii's boyfriend) and I.

Daily struggles

I don't want to fight. Can we just say we did and skip straight to the make up part? I'm so nonconfrontational.

Skit: 2016 spring break

I decided to spend my only free days during spring break in DC with Amoriartii and thier boyfriend. Before I get into the drama with Amoriartii. I will tell you I learned a thing or two about the Library of Congress. Since I was here during the week and normal people work during the week I was on my own to explore DC. Feel free to listen to All by myself while you read this.  I choose to go LOC  becuase I wanted to get in to the famous restricted book section. What I did not anticipateis that you need a library card just to get in to the actually library part. They have exhibits plus viewing areas for the general public to see in the main building.  That's right just the main building; bet you didn't know LOC  was actually three buildings. So you can get a library card which will give you access to all three buildings. To get a library card you do not need to be a US resident you just need a valid form of identification like a US driver's license, US state ID, or an international passport. Getting your library card takes about 15 minuets and then you're off. I decided to use my all powerful library card not to read congressional documents, nor military records of war. I didn't even use it to read about the civil rigts movement or the defamation of the Native Americans. No, I read children's books. Specifically, the Lost Island of Dinosaurs circa 1932. It was a really good read. Because there are three different buildings it is very difficult to find the restricted book section you see in movies. I was also under a time constraint so I didn't have much time to find the restricted section. But as I am now doing mutiple visit to DC. I might have a chance to repeat thing. So stay tuned to see if I make it in to the restricted section of the reading room.

Okay now back to my romantic comedy of a love life.  Every time Amoriartii and I get togther we talk about us becuase we so badly want there to be an us. Right now we don't have words for what we are or what we want to be and I am fine with that.  My biggest problem isn't Amoriartii's boyfriend as I thought it would be,  but my boyfriend Cyborg. Cyborg see relationship inside a set of lines while Amoriartii and I decibe we see it as: everyone is coloring inside the lines of a coloring book and we are making master pieces out of blank canvases.(coloring books are for children)  This is to say that everyone else is starting with rules but we are making them up as needed as we go along.  So I really need to get Cyborg to see relationships as blank canvases and not coloring book templates. Amoriartii is being nothing but patient and loving with me.  They say that they will always be in my life no matter what the capacity. They just love me and want to be in my life however they can. This does not mean they will help me cheat on Cyborg that's not Amoriartii's style. They respect people's relationships and boundaries. They do not flirt with the line they will not cross the line. Honestly neither would I if Amoriartii was having the same problems with his boyfriend. I would be supportive and I would respect the relationship. I do respect thier relationship. My fear is that this will turn into a long term waiting game that neither of us has the patience for. Then one of us will decide it's time to let go. That would end me honestly. I would be more than heart broken, becuase I feel at home in thier arms. I love kissing them goodnight, good morning, good bye, thank you,  and whatever other reason I can think of to kiss them.  Point being I need to figure out what I'm going to do and soon, because not having the freedom to love,  and express that love how I want is killing me. 

Skitt: not today

I was going to write about the election but I just lost a lot of my favorite personal items. So I'm not feeling it today

Daily struggles

When you are a total wreck of a hot mess heat breaker who's hell bound, but your boyfriend loves you anyway. 

Daily struggles

When everyone thinks you and your boyfriend of four months are engaged to be married.

Skit: meds on meds on meds

Not so long ago I was diagnosed with anxiety. I mean it makes sense, the panic attacks, the racing thoughts, over thinking, and so much more. My anxiety manifest itself as me picking at myself both physically, verbally, and emotionally. I pull the hairs out of my knees and elbow. I tear myself down when I'm alone.  I get really insecure about things I'm normally very confident in. Anexiety is an ugly monster that is in cahoots with my depression. They work togther in the worse ways.  I'm to tierd to do anything buy the the fear of the disappointment of not doing my work actually paralyzes me. But that's just my anxiety. People experience the same mental illness differently just like two people with the same cancer will have two very different experiences. The best thing people can do when a person confides in you and tells you they are struggling with mental illness is believe them.  Do not try to fix them.  Do not offer them different homeopathic remedies unless they ask.  Ask them calmly what you can do to support them. I find that being there for them, being that ear or shoulder, is all we really want. The worst thing you can do is become part of their support network and then abandon them. If you can't be part of the support network let them know up front.  It doesn't make you a bad friend.  Sometimes it requires a lot from a person to be the support for a person with mental illness. I need someone to keep my nails and toes done so I don't pick at the cuticles around the nails. I need someone to check my knees and elbows for signs of picking so that we can keep track of my progress for my doctor so I don't lie to my doctor. I need someone who will answer the phone no matter what time it is so I can talk to someone while I go through my panic attacks. That's a lot. But I'm lucky enough to have loved ones who will do that for me.  Not everybody has that but I think everyone needs it.  I'm proud to be part of many people's support network. I love these people and I  will do anything for them.  The people in mine would do anything for me.  Knowing that I am loved is a huge part of what helps me get through each day.  That's calms me down the most, someone telling me over and over they love me and why.  So tell someone you love them today.  One four letter word makes a hell of a difference.