Daily struggles

The first snow and everyone forgets how to drive.  Plus my commute was way longer than it ought to be because wet and cold automatically means ice. Struggling so hard today

Skittles: and again

The sound of his voice sounds so good. <\3 shouldn't be missing you.

Skit: Mizzou

Just in case it wasn't apparent I stand with all people of color that have their life threatened due to racism.  I especially stand in solidarity with all students at educational  institutions based off of white supremacy. I know your struggle. I know your fear.  I've cried far too many tears. I understand your frustration. I feel your anger.  I am there with you walking the the same treacherous road.  I know your pain all too well.  But I don't know how more I can hurt for my people.  I don't know how many different ways I can say black lives matter.  I don't know what I have to do to make pepole wake up and realize that racial inequality is real. Words hurt. I've been called racial slurs and I've  said them, and there is nothing but hate and hurt behind them.  For a country so obsessed with black culture you think they would also love black people. But I rather be called the n word then actually endure systematic racism at my educational institution. If you don't know what that looks like it looks like an all white faculty in a department. It looks like your studens of color feeling underrepresented and/or afraid. It looks like not having a cultural center or not having mentors they can relate too. It looks like tokenizing. It definitely looks like drowning out a protest. It looks like a higher drop out rate and a lower graduation rate. If you read this and say wait some of these things sound like every major institution you'd be right becuase it is SYSTEMATIC. It is all over the places, one of our greatest plagues if you asked me.  I honestly get sick of writing about it, becuase it takes a huge emotional toll on me. It's my duty as a queer POC writer to cover every story I come across becuase that's how things go viral. We must force the issue and demand the attention. So I will continue to write every story, even as tears cover my keyboard. I will write even though it hurts. I will write becuase school is hard enough with out threats and acts of violence impeding on the learning process. To all that would bring harm to my peaceful Students of color know that I am watching.  I have thier back.  I will not stand for such unjustices. I will be there for them against you, that I swear.

Skittles: things I find

I found this and relate to it so much.

“Stop. You can’t love me because you’re lonely, or because I am the only one who doesn’t piss you off. I want to piss you off, I want to get on your fucking nerves. I don’t want the responsibility of always being your rock. I will try, but I’m a mess, too. I lie, I sleep too much and I don’t like children under the age of 6, really. I don’t even know if I want kids because I’m selfish, and mothers can’t be selfish once they decide to carry another life.

I’m always looking for the rain to come so I trip over my own feet. I know exactly what the air smells like before a storm.
Before you fall in love with me, I want you to know that I cry a lot because it feels good, and I masturbate at least 4 times a week, and you might fall out of love with me before either of us are ready for it.
I have no experience with this. I’m trying to be brave and smart but its almost impossible to be both at the same time.
You can’t love me like a fire escape. Sometimes I will be the match, or the smoke under the door. I don’t know what I’m doing, all I know is that we all catch fire sometimes, before we even get warm.
Before you fall in love with me, I want you to know that there’s a 50% chance that this won’t work, that one of us will wind up hating the other. I will try to keep your head above water, but sometimes I’ll need help, too.
I can’t be your savior, and I don’t expect you to be mine. Just watch me unfold and I’ll watch you unfold, too. We’ll get drunk and tell each other everything. I know that’s cheating but maybe it’ll be alright. Maybe we won’t wake up embarrassed.

I am going to fall in love with you, too, feet first. Maybe we’ll slow dance off a building together, maybe we’ll have forgotten each other’s names by this time next year. I don’t care, the sky is gray with or without you, so I’m not going to look up anymore, I’m going to look ahead .”
—Before You Fall in Love with Me, Caitlyn S.

I feel this becuase I don't know what love looks like now for me.  I do know that I talk to much.  That my anxiety eats away at my confidence. The loneliest does make me clingly. But I'm too closed off really open up.  You could say I have trust issues but I'm manipulative enough to tell you anything you want to know without telling you anything I don't want you to know.   I don't need someone who is put togther. Don't exspect me to have it all figured out either. I'm am secretly every damsel in distress Disney Princess, don't let my super woman costume fool you. I trip over more than my own feet.  I choke on words and emotions. I don't say sorry.  I don't play well with others. I color outside the lines on purpose.  I don't know how I passed kindergarten. I'm cautious and reckless at the same time.  If you move too fast I'll get scared and run but if I'm ready you better be ready for a huge next step too. I don't know what I'm doing or if I should even be doing it but we can figure it out togther if you would like