Skittles: the beast is awake

For the pass four years I have identified as asexual. With very brief short feelings of sexual desire intermently through out the 4 years.  I also identifyas demisexual because when ever I would fall for someone I would be okay with more physical love too. But I kissed a boy on Sunday and haven't been able to sit still since. I don't know if its him or me.  It's honestly to early to tell. but it's like I haven't eaten in ages and I'm famished.  Sexual things that bothered me on Friday I am completely fine with today. I don't know if I'm ready to give up the asexual identity. This might just be a super strong phase.  I feel like a new person. I'll keep you posted about my progress.

Skitt: Beautiful Now by Zed

Every summer I party and dance with my favorite homosexuales. This has been a time honored tradition that's going on 5 years.  I like it so much becuase we don't see each other all year and we come togther like no time has passed.  Its beautifully evanescente and tragically young at heart. From June until mid August, though this ran unusually long and just ended Sunday, we bask in each others happiness. Feeding one anothers soul by validating everyone's experiences. All of my favorite memories are from the summer time.  Though it has really been a hard year with a rise is trans* and POC murders  the summer gives us space to laugh, cry, find meaning,  heal, and grow. I think a if I were to put the feeling in to words I wouldn't do it justice. But I have a pop song that is just like this summer. I always choose pop songs becuase of how little time they, like us, spend in the sun. We are Beautiful Now, by Zed

Skittles: I found more Janani

Read this article on Black Girl Dangerous about how colonialism has become a buzz word for queer and POC activist a like. It's written by my favorite part of the dark matter artist duo Janani Balasubramanian!

Skit: Radical politics of interracial dating

I have said before knowing what I know and being a radical activist that it would hard for me it as a  QPOC to date a white person. I recently read an article by black girl dangerous, how to resist white supremacy in your love life. It asks us to analyze what we find attractive. To really examine our superficial attractions what they say and how they limit or discriminate against others for instance if you only find a certain sense of style attractive think about who's better able to afford that sense of style. The more money the more privileged. Saying that you're attracted to only a certain fashion sense is as bad as someone saying no fems, no blacks, no Asians, on Grindr. Its a classist statement that supports capitalism and has its roots in colonialism. I myself am attracted to status and power, and how do you achieve those? Usually with money and privilege? The people we think about when we think about status and power are white cis hetero men, which is problematic.
Understanding what your attractions and making sure that they're not discriminatory is only half of the solution, figuring out what drives attraction is also important. Are you into radical decolonialized loved or are you still rooted in our social upbringing. I, for one, have not escaped years of social conditioning, yet.  I like power because of an understanding of social hierarchy and my need to be on top of the hierarchy. If we demolish the systems of oppression  there wouldn't be a social hierarchy. I guess I could say prominence and power prove an ability to provide. But social capital that proves financial stability is only further linked to privilege and white cis hetero males.
The last part is to date what you like not what you want to be. Addressing internalized racism is hard. I struggle with it all the time, the reluctant desire to be white.  I permed my hair when I turn 21 as to conform to Western standards of beauty and subsequently whiteness. As soon after couldn't stand it and cut it all off. Hating my hair being too ethnic. Hating myself for wanting my hair to be what's it is not. Straightening my hair feels like the complete disregard and muder of my ancestors. While the kinks and curls in my hair feel like a culture I never knew and never wanted to. Loving someone should look  like loving my hair, and myself.  If someone can't truly love my curls then they can't love me. 

Skit: Lil BLK

I went to go see a performance art peice yesterday called Lil BLK, by my friend and teacher Nic Kay. Nic was my dance and movement director when I was a part of AFYT. They struggled with me becuase I am so uncoordinated. I am also uncomfortable moving my body in public spaces.  Nic says I hold a lot of tension through out my body and I need to let go.  I hear you hold a lot of pain and trauma through out your body and haven't learned how to heal it or let go.  Nic on the other hand moves like they have never felt pain.  I know that's not true but when they dance it's mesmerizing. Lil BLK is no exception to that. It's about a fairy boi and a little black girl learning how to love thier female body. It's also a biography so you get to watch them grow up, discover each other, go to church, and deal with pain. I could go see this performance again and again its so powerful.  It beautifully deals with issues that arise growing up as a queer black girl.  It ends with a letter to a little black girls that is healing and transformative.  Really a must see for all pepole of color who's body is more trauma than water.  Go see this

Skit: Gender galaxies

I went to go see Muse an art exhibit asking questions about gender. It is a reinterpretation of famous pieces of art done by male painters of female subjects. The reinterpretation  photos taken by a female photographer with a male model posed and dressed very effeminate. The most credible being man with pearl earring. What I liked about this reinterpretation is they took paintings by male artist that made the female subjects look submissive. Most of them are paintings of women in various states of undress or posed provocatively. Painted by men of women for men. Very reminiscent of porn. This  reinterpretation asks the questionwhat is female what is male? How are they represented differently through art? What does it look like when a woman depicts a man? Who has the power in that situation. What is it like for a man to take on female subjects through different lenses of re-exploring gender? I am a little disappointed though because I feel like instead of making the man submissive that in the photos he got to be very empowering. There are many different ways of interpreting that. For he is suppose to be embodying the female subjects and representing them. Taking on this effeminate character. The photos are also suppose to destroy the idea that gender the line with male and female at opposite ends. Rather gender exist in a galaxy in a four dimensional space. The axis being masculinity, femininity, time, and difference.  If you look at the photos in that sense in the empowerment is necessary.  It wouldn't question societies treatment of genderqueer people to paint them submissively. Since this installment is primarily about asking questions I've devised a couple. Throughout the process what was the power dynamic? Getting into character to pose for the photos what gender do you feel you identified with if any? What did you
learn and or learn to question about gender doing this installment? What intersexual identities came up as you worked on the different pieces?

Skittles: 9/23/15

Happy Bisexuals awareness day

Skit: I went to DC

A while back I went to DC to see my friend we lovingly call Mom.  Mom is the type of guy to make sure you have a coat,  hat, and Long Johns on in 25°. Overzealous mothering type for sure.
While I was there we talked about the different groups we felt a part of and we both feel most comfortable in the white queer movement. Mom is half Latino non Spanish speaking. I'm all Black and Spanish speaking. We discussed what it was like to not feel ethnic enough. I have never felt part of the black community and Mom feels that the language barrier creates more disparities between he and the latino community. We were both raised in primarily Caucasian neighborhoods and when examined define our ethnic backgrounds by the stereotypes. Mom sees latino men as not being able to escape the poor or working class life that is plagued by wage disparity and crime. In his lense latino men don't go to college and higher education isn't expected. Mom just doesn't identity with that.  He has always valued education, and middle class life was always the goal. Similarly I feel like the African American community lacks drive and long term goals. I have always felt like we have valued different things. This not actually being the case but it was what I grew up believing. Mom and I addressing this internalized racism that we grew up with is something we are still coming to terms with.  I feel more at home in the Latin@ community as I feel like we do value the same things, education, drive, hard work, and  family. But what makes a community is more than values and actions in the media, it's people and history. You will never know what your community values unless you talk to them. Vernacular and language really don't separate a community, mindset does. We both know so one in the community who seems drastically different from us but at the points where it matters we were brought up to value the exact same things.  Our racist perception of people based on how they dress and talk has shaped our relationship with our community in a negative way.  It has also led to self loading and a disconnect between us and our heritage. To begin to self heal would be to seek queers like us.  We might not be ready to jump right into our communities. However, we can reach out to begin to build  a ethnic queer group, as we both seem fairly comfortable in our queer identities. We can begin to deconstruct years of the wrong ideology we learned through friendship and open minds. I think relationships building and the understanding we came through that will be a helpful tool in beginning to accept ourselves our communities.

Skittles: because someone doesn't that believe that it's silly and stupid

I went to emporium, an arcade bar, tonight ( on a date) and got my butt wooped at a number of games.  But I still had a fun, all be it embarrassing, time.  It's nice to be embarrassed becuase for once I'm being honest.  You don't feel  that way without facing rejection from your honesty or being caught in a lie and being forced to be honest. The worst part is its not out right rejection as much as it is the fear of it.  We feel embarrassed because we think that others find us silly,  sad, strange, ect. They might not actually feel that way at all. We often cause ourselves to feel this way becuase of our own insecurities. So I could fret and feel awkward becuase I'm am embarrassed. Or I could acknowledge that I put myself out there.  I want pepole around me who like me for me; the only way to find out if they can hang is to let them try.  Its perfectly okay not to be everyone's cup of tea.  Wouldn't you rather know up front? You don't make friends with people you will not mesh with by being yourself from the beginning.  I'm going feel awkward becuase I'm human, I can't rise above years of social conditioning in one night.  But I'm also giving myself a hug for not trying to be something  that I'm not.  I'm going to hope that they are okay with who I am.       I also want to learn who they are, and hope I like their kind of strange.

Skittles: becuase of dark matter

Doctor I'm having trouble loving beyond the overwhelming amount of heartbreak.
Living beyond all the death of my muders
Happiness beyond the hurt and how we got here
Standing beyond and in spite of the gravity.
Is like I'm hurting but I don't know where, why,  or how I ended up this way.  There's all this blood and I might be bleeding but I don't know from where or if it's even mine.  I'm drowning, bleeding, hurting, dying, struggling and I don't understand it either doctor. We'll try living another day and support the systems of oppression. Build a couple monuments you to my self inflicted pain so I can be the victim. Also give me a xanax so that my desire to burn the patriarchy aka " anxiety" is lessened. Thanks doc I feel nothing so I guess that's better

Daily struggles

Having too queer of a weekend. Thanks mom (not my actual mother,  my friend that I call mom)

Skittles: Vives Q

I finally had time to attend my first Vives Q ever. Vives Q is a community organizing event that brings in speakers to talk about issues facing the queer brown/Latin@/ Hispanic community. Vives Q is an all ages event that brings together multiple generations in one room.  It is run by my friend, fellow activist, and lesbian and gay hall of famer Emmanuel García. It has everything you could want from a queer town hall.  It has time in the beginning for chatting and networking over free food. You can also get tested for Hiv and get condoms. Emmanuel conducted an interview with the night's speaker, Dr. Carlos T Mock. He is an author,  doctor, and an activist.  The conversation was thought provoking and you could text any questions you had for the speaker which keeps the audience involved and engaged. The performances immediately follow the interview portion. The performance space is a way for the community to take part in this event in an emotional way. People come out to support their friends and family plus get a little bit of knowledge before hand.  The acts can be anything from a short story to a drag performance. The event really supports local talent and gives a stage for people who long for the spot light. I think Vives Q  is necessary and vital to the community. It brings us together, informs us, and gives space to issues that might otherwise fall by the wayside.  Vives Queer!
#yeshomo

Live blogging: Vives Q

I will be live blogging about Vives Q! so this post will be continually updated throughout the night. I will post time stamps of each one.  You'll get at least one on the hour every hour.  Though it might not be on the blog until a few minutes pass the hour. #yeshomo

6:00pm
Messing up already, forgot to post at 6. It's starting, we're having pizza not a lot of pepole are here yet. A very chill per-performance space. 6:20pm

7:00pm
Getting started, there is a speaker. I don't know what the topic is yet.  This is the last one of the season so it feels very last hoary.  There's a couple announcement as to keep the community informed. Excited to see what is like once it gets going. 7:05pm

The speaker is a white Puerto Rican author. It's interesting to me to think of white pepole born in countries claiming the nationality. 7:45pm

The interview portion (the speaker) of the night is almost over. We are doing the audience question.  You can text in questions and I really like that.  Also the  speaker is Dr. Carlos T Mock. An author, doctor, activist, white Puerto Rican, cis man.  7:52pm

8:00pm
His HRC side is coming out I have a lot to say about HRC, but this is not the place. I wonder if he sees the privilege he had and the power he had.  I wonder if he regrets picking marriage over employment, education, bathrooms,  murder, health care, housing, funding, ect. I think from his final statemens he does regret picking marriage first 8:00pm
  
rrxing a story
8:05pm edited at 8:15pm

There are performances now. The first one was a story. It was about consumption and labor. Then there was a song, creep by radio head. Followed by  a poem called rotten apples.
8:24pm

So the performance part is like ameture hour at your local coffee shop.  It's cute sometimes but most of the time you clap becuase the people are your friends. The last preformer was really good.  Skittles likey.
8:33pm

Over - 8:40pm

Got tacos-9:00pm

I think Vives Q  is necessary and vital to the community.  There is plenty of time to talk and network atthe beginning. There is free hiv testing.  The interview talk highlights and discuss a variety of topics, that are important conversations with the community needs to be having. The performance part let's people who long for the stage get a shot that they often are not offered. Vives Queer
9:55pm