I am compelled to write today. It has been my go to coping mechanism for dealing with the feels as I don't know what I would draw so I can't do artsy things. I just did my hair so swimming is out of the question for a couple of days. I might break down by the end of the week and get some board time in. Its been a minuet since I done some diving so it would probably be good for me. I have wanted to examine queerness for a while so I might churn that out tonight. I always write about the boys the boys the boys;The people in general. But there is something there tonight. Not just my normal superficial wine. I just can't figure out what... It might be because I am home, you that's always fun. It should be easier for me to find my center and reach peace in a room I've known for 18 yrs of my life. These walls are more familiar to me than my own. The layout poorly utilizes space and creates small crawl spaces. Smaller nooks that have a more specific function. With my eyes closed I can make it to my zen garden, rake it, move to my corner (a space that fits me like a glove), climb over the dresser to the miniature library, then tumble out of my reading hammock and land in my "A Monday morning in December" cave of warming. But I a last, I think I would find more comfort in a hotel room in a strange city. Familiarity brings its own emotional baggage. I could paint, get brand new furniture, new flooring, but the walls would still stink of the pass. And I, like many people find it hard for to be at home. Its like trying to squeeze into something you've out grown. Leaving, avoiding and my personal favorite drinking don't make it any better. Sometimes, rarely is this the case, you can take your emotions and bury them, and they will stay buried. ( because you never returned to unintentionally unearth them.) It doesn't worked that way with home. You have you a proverbial elephant as a permanent resident in the living room. I am learning that coping is different from riding it out is different from starting the processes of dealing with the feels. In a strange city I could cope with my feelings by exploring. I could feel them by going for a run or swim based on what I packed. (fun fact: I hardly ever travel without a swim suit, cap, and googles. I am more likely to forget PJs or a toiletry) Or I could begin to deal with my feelings. I find that it its harder to do at home because there are so many feelings seeped in to the walls already that it is as if they are going to burst at the seems. We have two choices avoided the feelings or deal with them. My continuance to avoid feelings and try to be more like Spock has made my house an emotional death trap much like quick sand. I have finally chosen to deal with all the feelings I have put aside all these years because I need to deal with the emotional mess I am in now as well. If you have also chosen to deal with you feelings (even a small specific chunk) go you, and I have no more words for you right now. Everyone deals with feelings differently and since I am new to this I am defiantly out of my league. I don't even know where to start or how but I do know you will have successfully dealt with your emotions when you feel a since of resolve about the whole thing and arrive at some kind of peace. If you haven't chosen this option, get it together. Go out get yourself some big people pants or adult pants. Put them on. Deal with your feelings. Its hard and difficult and you probably are never really going to want to do it but you will feel better in the end. If you have ever had to carry something large and awkward all day how nice was it to finally be rid of it at the end of the day? To deal with your emotions is to never have to face that situation and feel the way you do about it again. You will have peace of mind about it so it will no longer be this dreaded experience. Nothing really goes away till you deal with it. Gordic is my example of this. Yes all this was coming back to the boys. I didn't really deal with my feelings for him, like I did with Etsy. I have learned so much about what not to do with Gordic and it is helping me with Amoriartii. I really need to actually close the book on Gordic. I know I said I did but I lied. No surprise there ( see post I'm a liar). However, at every turn my feelings for him come back to bite me on the ass. I don't want to deal because I would need to talk to him. I don't want to talk because things are weird between us. Things are weird because of my emotions. This is what happens when you don't put on your adult pants and handle your business. You find yourself at home sinking in metaphorical quick sand having to face years of feelings to get to the problem at hand because when it was just that one problem it seemed like too much and overwhelmed you. The road to being healthy doesn't always make you happy but you will be happy when your healthy. It is process to dealing with feelings and time will vary but I support you and those around you will probably support you as well ( if they are decent people). We would all be happier and the world might not be so messed up if we all dealt with our emotional baggage. I am going to deal with mine before then end of the school I want you to look at your life and see if there is something you feel like you can tackle like a laptop bag of emotions. However small or large it is a step in the right direction. And that's something right? I will share with you a quote from when I took AP physics my sophomore year in High School. " yesterday we learned how to stand up. Today we Carpe Diem and learn to fly. (after failing miserably) Later we look back on our zeal and all be it foolishness and think to our self maybe we should have learned to walk first" the moral of this story that is we learned to stand and Latin in 48 hours the sky is the limit so we could have done anything but fly. Real moral of the story is starting small works just as well.
Stay fierce
J-Skittles
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