Today for work we learned about child abuse and all the various sickening perversions. I think I wanted to leave the room 20 times with in the hour but was only able to leave once. I sat there reading my new jobs policies which talk about if we see something how we have to report it and that made me feel good. I am "saving" a kid from some demented adult. Then we went into what to look for because how are we suppose to notice something if we don't know what it even looks like. They talked about normal thing that kids do that seem strange to us but on the contrary are completely developmentally on par. However we should discourage said behavior any way because even through all kids do it doesn't mean they should. Like trying to undress each other when they play doctor. But other things are abnormal behavior. they listed off some of what is happening to the child to cause this strange behavior. I was just so uncomfortable. *Side note* for those of you who didn't know where this was going let me tell you now, I was abused as a kid. I am not ever going to talk about it more than this post today because it is just to much for me to even think about most days ** I could literally go down the list for every type of abuse except neglect and pick at least 7 of the 10 bullet points and be like yep that was happening to me. The training teaches you the effect of the abuse on the child and how their behavior tends to changes and what that changes looks like. I was so ready to be mad at all the teachers and adults in my life as a child. I wanted to go back and say you had this training and you ignored all the signs. It was happening to me. It was always happening to me and you did nothing. But I wasn't like any of the normal strange behavior. The only bullet points on this section that related to me was:
Some children will try to hid it, or lie to cover up the abuse.
Others will try to act just like everyone else and watch other kids to know what to say.
That's it. I was the one who lied, well, and took cues from other kids. No one would ever know. No one did ever know. It makes me sick to know that there are other kids out there, to smart for there own good, who are like me when I was a kid and we are failing them. I want to come up with something to reach them but I feel to sick, to far gone, to be able to face the demons in my past and help. Its 8 years later and I still don't talk about it, any of it. No one should know the pain of having been abused as a child. If I ever was to talk about it I would do it only to come up with a new program, a new way to help children, and prevent/ recognize abuse.
What could make your day harder than dealing with monsters of your past. Parents of the present who don't know you or understand you. Okay, this one is a little me fault. My parents don't know me because I don't tell them. But for good reason. If there perfect child was to mess up once and they found out there goes my freedom for all of eternity. I'd rather die than be not be free. Sometime with all the added stress from my parents I would also rather die than deal with them. I am not saying my whole life is a lie, just most of what they know is. There are carefully reworded truths and very delicate pieces of lie. I mean these are lies that are almost the some version of the truth but not quite. So normally if I keep it short I won't raise my blood pressure and I get to live another day. But sometimes they want to talk about stuff because all of a sudden they have an opinion or feelings about something, that's bad. I either have to change their mind about talking about it or become a great tap dancer and dance on a very thin wire made of ice and its getting hot in here. Both of those situations raise my blood pressure at least 10 marks. I get rashes and zits, I stress bake and if its really bad I'll have an anxiety attack. Those are barrels of fun. My latest story is about school. I quite school recently due to a number of reason but the main one is because it was making my suicidal. I didn't tell them I did this. I didn't tell them I was depressed, or have an auto immune disease, or that I was suicidal. It just slipped my mind ( wanted to make a really dark joke right here but I am going to spare you my morbid sense of humor.) Most of my friends don't know either. A side from this open book blog I am very secretive. I am so done for once any of my friends discover this blog. I don't like to go it alone, I do ask for help, but there wasn't really anywhere for me to turn to. I had people who supported me but nobody who could give me the help I needed at a price I was willing to pay. Like going to my parents means freedom, going to my sisters means pride fame glory and my image. The pride fame and glory is the only thing that keeps me equal or worth keeping around to my sisters. I am always the one they lean on when they need help. I worry that if I lean on them they will shut me out of there lives and think that they are burdening me when I have me own issues. Since I don't trust anyone else enough to talk to I walk through this storm alone. But parents ask questions as they do and sometimes I do find it necessary to tell one of them tiny bits of the truth. I have a step dad, step mom, dad, mom, and a new guy ( he about to marry my mom I don't know what to call him). So sometimes I tell one off them the whole truth, normally the step dad. He is a good listener and doesn't judge me or condemn me. Since we are talking about school mom gets a colorful version of the truth. Dad gets a delicate lie. I don't tell the step mom or new guy anything they are both too new for me to even care about them right now. If I can keep the one I talk to from talking to each other which isn't to hard, they all hate each other, then my life goes back to normal. But mom and dad both think they know what's best for their little girls education and think the other parent is wrong and want to talk about. First off neither of you know me. Mom understand my education and the education system better but dad know my personality and part my recreational life better. Dad would know some of my friends names but mom would now if I typed that letter or why I did the math that way. Neither of them know enough to decide what's best for me in a school and they can't talk to each other because one they hate each other and two they both know different parts that are almost in conflict of the same story. I say almost because if they were to compare notes both of them would think I lied, which I did kinda. However, if you really smart and evil like I am and if you really listen you would see that they actually almost tell the whole story and that with a couple of piece of information they work perfectly together. So I am trying hard to avoid being royalty screwed and they are trying very hard to get to the bottom of this matter their separate ways.
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